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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

252 replies

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 12:30

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

OP posts:
LionRock · 10/03/2011 13:38

I can see your point.

Unless your ex has a good reason to stay in bed, it makes me wonder what his daughters think about it. Sure some would enjoy the freedom but others may feel a bit in the way, stumbling around trying to be quiet and not wake daddy. They are up and about for an hour or so before going to school and presumably they won't see him again for a few days. But daddy doesn't feel like getting out of bed and checking everything's ok or just saying bye before they leave for school. Which lets face it he could surely do and then go back to bed if he needed to. So before going to bed the previous night does he say "good night, see you next week"?

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:38

Thumbwitch - DD1 mucks out, DD2 gets haylage and nuts for them.

DD2 spreads bedding along with DD1.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 13:39

oh FFS, again? Argh!
Xposted lots again too.

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:39

LOL

Grin
OP posts:
thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 13:41

Still! I do understand your frustration with this situation, your ex sounds like the laziest chauvinistic arse who thinks all females are there to do all the menial work while he lounges in bed. I'd have thought he'd be embarrassed to be so feckless myself, but then men like this never are.

solooovely · 10/03/2011 13:42

I am suprised by some of the responses, I stand by my last post (and anyone who disagrees is a nob-brain Smile)

Original poster
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 10/03/2011 13:43

I have to go back to work but I'm not running away I promise Grin

I'll be back later !

OP posts:
hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:45

Ooh lovely the personal insults have come out Grin

ballstoit · 10/03/2011 13:45

Equally they could be injured riding the ponies, surely that's just as dangerous? I'm not saying they shouldnt ride, but dont see that it's less dangerous.

Who supervises them when they ride the horses?

Does your ex work?

KangarooCaught · 10/03/2011 13:47

Do your dds like being with their Dad? They are old enough to voice an opinion. Maybe they'd be better catered for visiting grandma instead!

Tell dh that you have made plans for Thursdays and he needs to be on time. If he's not, then you will have to take the girls with you (even if it's just to fill up on pizza and ice-cream.

lovenamechange100 · 10/03/2011 13:49

YANBU I think its ok for the girls to get themselves ready on the morning, but sad that their dad doesnt want to see them and have breakfast with them as part of his time with them.

Mind you I am not an AM person and DS gets out of bed has a wee and brushes his teeth then comes and gets me if I am not up (I am always up by 8am) he comes in my bed for cuddles and sometimes we read.

YANBU re oragnising things, I found when DH and I lived seperate it was still up to me to organise stuff - men are lazy if you let them be and v selfish I see it in my DH now whome I love v much but have to give hime a kick now and then.

If there is danger involved then this needs addressing urgently and talk to him about whole routint in am

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 13:49

ballstoit - no, I disagree that I'm being unfair. Having a nanny would be indicative of care, because SOMEONE would be there to look after the DC rather than them having to do it themselves. You could even argue that having a cleaner showed more care - because it doesn't lay the responsibility of the cleaning on two children, when there is a perfectly fit and able but fucking lazy man there who could at the very least help out with it.

hairylights · 10/03/2011 13:53

But thumbwitch these are children of 12 and 9. Not little ones. They don't need that 100% supervision and there is nothing at all wrong with them sorting themselves out of a morning, and contributing to household chores.

JessRabbit · 10/03/2011 13:56

Any parent who won't drag their lazy arse out of bed to help their children before school is a lazy tosser.

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 13:56

well, as you stated before hairylights, that's your opinion - I don't agree with it.
There IS nothing wrong with them contributing to household chores - but that's not exactly it, is it? They are doing anything that granny doesn't.
And the 9yo ISN'T sorting herself out, the 12yo is having to do the 9yo AND herself, isn't she? When there is a supposedly adequate parent on the scene who COULD get his arse out of bed and help out. But won't.

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 13:57

And they're getting 0% supervision. I agree they don't need 100% - but some would be good.

solooovely · 10/03/2011 14:01

I am seriously so surprised by the people who think what he is doing is ok! Has the world gone mad?

This man does NOTHING for his daughters AT ALL!

He makes them do something which is dangerous unsupervised.

He spends no time with them in the mornings and doesn't even get out of bed.

They clean the kitchen/tidy/do dishwasher/clear dinner/muck out horses/tidy/look after themselves/leave the house without anyone even noticing or caring/make their own packed lunches/ get themselves to school/are completely responsible for making sure they have everything for school . . .

. . . this is neglect. If not legally then emotionally or something. He should be doing more then this. He should be caring and interested in them.

Things he does do for them:

Er, nothing.

hairylights · 10/03/2011 14:02

I did say he was a nobber Grin

GlitterHo · 10/03/2011 14:07

thats not on, its pure laziness

I believe his 'going off on one' was a mixture of guilt as he had neglected his duties and a 'oh shit i'll be found out'

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 14:07

solooovely - much though I agree with 90%+ of your rant, on a point of pure pedantry, the nobber does take DD2 to school. Apparently.

Escallonia · 10/03/2011 14:08

so your DD1 doesn't see her Dad on the mornings she goes to school, at all? That's what I think speaks volumes about your ex, he is that lazy & selfish he can't be arsed to even get up and say bye, have a good day, love you .... Especially given that he won't then see her for a few days.

sincitylover · 10/03/2011 14:12

agreed he should get out of bed and be around when dds are gettting ready for school. It sets a bad example to them for one thing (he could always go back to bed once they've gone).

As others have said if I as a single parent did this I would be criticised.

Agree that it could be dangerous re mucking out horses.

Why shouldn't op cry if it's upsetting her? Think it would upset me.

I was upset when I discovered that exh and new p locked an adjoining door each night between them and my dss (then aged 10 and 6). And told them to knock or ring if they needed anything. WTF

ballstoit · 10/03/2011 14:13

Personally I think it's pretty irresponsible parenting to allow a child to never lift a finger to help and to never experience any responsibility for themselves.

You're making assumptions about what the OPs ex does and doesnt do. His mum does the washing and ironing, we dont know if he pays her, but I guess if he does Thumbwitch then this will be okay? She also sends food, we dont know if he prepares it or if he pays for it, but if he does then again I presume that would be okay.

Why do mothers assume they have the right to decide what is the best way to parent the child?

sincitylover · 10/03/2011 14:16

they don't assume but its hardly the action of a loving parent of either sex to stay in bed whilst their children go off to school (unless they've just done a night shift)

What message does that send out to the child - you're not important enough to say goodbye, love you, have a good day.

Balls are you a male - if so how would you feel if you're partner did this to you?

thumbwitch · 10/03/2011 14:16

ballstoit - THERE IS A MIDDLE GROUND.
And the OP has said that Granny makes the food - I don't know whether all the time.

You are trying to make out that what this man does is ok - do you really believe that? Is that how you would parent your children?