I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

Ah well, grit your teeth until September.

Your X is a complete arse, btw. And ten years from now, he will wonder why his daughters aren't close to him.

Whereyouleftit - that's almost exactly what my DP said last night - but he said 15 years lol

It's just the control element of it is getting me down - but DP has been saying for a while that I should stop worrying so much about it and just start being more "normal" for want of a better word - you know, stuff like DP come with me to get the ponies, instead of me going and getting the ponies and DP meeting us down the road and then coming with us.

And if we have plans and XH doesn't turn up to collect the kids then DP will come to mine and answer the door when XH turns up

Notmyproblem Brilliant advice. You have obviously been there and lived to tell the tale. Me too

She speaks sense - minimise the ways in which you are contolled by ex h and the kids will make their own conclusions in their own good time...

Mssoul and the rest of you lol - you are so sensible.

But how do I minimise the control? I've tried as best as I can - I am struggling to see how I can make it any less?

The thing is, if XH arranges to pick the girls up at a certain time and is late (and won't answer his phone) my options are limited.

I know you are in a position where you depend on him, so you need to work it out so you don't. It seems impossible, but what would you do if he wasn't there at all? Can you speak to work (don't know what you do - are you a nurse as you need to do shifts?) or depend on other family members to help? You can't spent forever allowing him to mess you around, though. That much is obvious.

Put the ponies in livery if you can afford it? Keep one pony and livery it with the proceeds of selling the other?

Hard times call for hard decisions...

Good luck

spend

Part of minimising control is doing what Mssoul says and actually reducing the control he has over you in a practical sense. I actually think finding a place for the ponies that's not at EXH's house will take a huge wind out of his sails and give you some bargaining power with him (if he wants them to stay because he wants to use them to control you or the DDs, then you can throw it back at him that it needs to be done on your terms or else). As for the other stuff, like I said, some of it you're going to have to suck up and deal with (his showing up late, etc.) He probably has you over a barrel there, so accept it and move on. But other stuff you can just choose to stop caring about. You can do what you did when he called you about your DD refusing to go to church and say "I don't care, this is your problem, not mine, you fix it". Another one of my favourites: "your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency".

But the other half of reducing your dependency on him is psychological (and will take some time and effort on your part, but it sounds like you're already well on the way). So yeah, start listening to your DP and just get on with it and refuse to care what your EXH does or thinks! Affirmation to yourself, say it out loud if you have to, write it down, come and bitch here, but REFUSE to let him control you. Every time you feel that sense of frustration/annoyance coming on, ask yourself "is this really something I care about?" If so, then suck it up and deal with it that's he's managed to get one over on you (inevitable sometimes like you said, especially when he forgets to pick up the kids). If not, then literally LAUGH out loud and let it go.

It will get better -- first summer will come and then September and things will gradually come more into your control and less into his. Then a few years will go by and your DDs will be older and less interested in his flaky selfishness and you'll be nearly shot of him. Til then, use this opportunity to make yourself as bullet-proof to him as you can.

Btw, your DP sounds lovely and speaks a lot of sense. And no I'm not him.

Great post, notmyproblem

Sorry nmp I was on the previous page when I posted that - great post s now!

brilliant post notmyproblem - I know that some of it will be difficult to push through for itsnotgoingwelltoday, but it makes so much sense

Thanks folks for all the advice.

I know I need to stop caring - this is going to sound silly but normally if I'd texted XH (like over going to church yesterday) I'd have followed with a phone call yesterday morning when I didn't get a reply.

I didn't phone him yesterday, but he didn't turn up either so he obviously got the text iyswim?

I'm starting to realise (I'm a bit slow on the uptake lol) that DP is in this for the long haul - that makes a difference as well. Sounds stupid but it does.

I think you are right in that a lot of it is psychological(sp?). At the minute, if XH is late getting the kids and me and DP have plans, then I feel like my life is being put on hold because XH hasn't be arsed to turn up on time.

The answer is, and it's what you've all said it's just the DOING it lol, but to organise it for a while so that if XH is supposed to be getting the girls then DP just comes over here.

Then at least XH isn't ballsing up plans that we've made, if that makes sense? Also, we could go to DP's and I could text XH to say "sorry we had plans. You will have to come to DP's to get girls" which will put XH on the back foot slightly? Or is that being bitchy?

And I think we'll stop the "keeping it quiet to the XH" attitude we've had - at the end of the day the girls have no problem being around DP so why should we creep around - not that we're creeping around really but we've been trying to be tactful and "nice" about it so as not to upset XH.

I don't think it's at all bitchy if you had planned to go to DPs anyway. I think you are quite right - the point is that you carry on with your life without letting him balls all your plans up. And yes, that includes avoiding any mention of DP.

I meant not avoiding, obviously!!!

Quick update - I've now been signed off work for at least a week and put on a 2 week course of very very strong antibiotics for a severe chest infection. Also have inhalers and nose drops and painkillers coz I've pulled muscles in my back with coughing so much

DP is on his way round to take DD1 out to her club tonight.

And he's given me a ticking off for not going to the doc when he told me to

And XH - well I am off on Thursday anyway for St Paddys day, so I'd said to XH I'd keep the kids as they are off school.

He couldn't keep them he said because he was working. He couldn't take time off like me the amount of time I got off was ridiculous etc etc

Anyway, called in today to pick up violins and stuff and said to him I was really sick and not sure how I'd manage with girls on Thursday signed off work etc.

And he said sure I'll keep them I'm not doing anything

I don't have an opinion either way but just to say I was 11 when I got my horse.( 14.2). She was VERY highly strung and was stabled at home , the yard was 100 metres from the house. I got up and mucked out fed , turned out etc on my own every day, and again in the evening after riding. My parents were up but didn't supervise me. My Dad to this day I don't think has stepped foot on my yard. I was VERY competent around horses and knew exactly what I was doing but still had a few near misses. I must admit until now I have never really thought about it as I loved my horse and happily cared for her on my own. I am sure there are many many children doing this and although I guess it is fairly dangerous, life is full of risks and I always felt in control of the situation.

I will just add I still had said horse until 3 years ago and when she was very old I was rugging her up with my 2 year old in the stable with me. Horse was very old and had trouble with her legs . Something spooked her and she double barrelled just above my dd'd head. I think thta when you are very familiar with horses you do sometimes forget how dangerous and powerful they are. Obviously I didn't let dd in again :(

Bish - that would be scary for you with the wee one in the stable

A quick update on me :

DP took DD2 to her wee club last night, and brought her home.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Waited on me hand and foot.

And .....

Stayed over last night with the kids here and he's taking them to school this morning

(That is the first time he's stayed over with them here)

That´s lovely, OP.

Glad someone is helping out & looking after you.

How were your daughters about it?

Girls thought it was great fun - he's much easier going than me.

Not that I'm that bad, but I just stress about stuff more than DP does. I dunno, it just felt more relaxed than I thought it would.

I don't know how to explain it.

DP has no kids - he was married a long time, but him and his wife couldn't have kids.

He treats my kids like they are the most important thing in his life, he would move mountains for them.

He's always saying he is so lucky that I came as a package with the kids, he thinks it's great.

Which I know isn't always the attitude that new partners have. And I'm very lucky.

:) he sounds like a keeper!

Oh I think so EveryonesJealousOfGingers

I can't put it in a way that makes sense - he's just so GOOD with the kids.

It honestly went so well last night I was amazed. I thought the kids might kick off when they realised he was staying but they weren't fizzed at all.

He's even braving a sleepover tonight - DD1 is having a friend to stay over and I said I would cancel coz I wasn't well but he said no let them come on ahead and he'll deal with it.

Dunno how he's going to feel at 3am when they still aren't sleeping .

I don't know I know it sounds soppy but it just felt so normal last night

Awwwww that's so so lovely, good for you for just going for it :)

And I hope you feel better very quickly...

I think me being so sick kind of pushed us into it - I think we would've carried on for months and months if I'd not been sick iyswim?

He got totally STUNG by them at the supermarket

Does he not get up in the mornings to go to work????

You need to tell him to buck his ideas up or no contact, do not give him 50 50 as he is not looking after then when he has them

Love it! Fantastic. Must have helped that you had already decided not to let XP influence your daily life too. I reckon you will find it MUCH easier not to care now!!!