I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

Does anyone else wonder if Ballstoit is in fact the OP's ex? [smile}

They don't particularly.

The only thing they are positive about up at his is the ponies .

And Ballstoit - you said that men should pay an equal role in parenting.

Can you tell me how my XH is actively parenting please? Because I can't see it

I think that, while it's generally a good thing for DC to do chores, it's not a good thing for them to do lots of chores while their dad has a lie in (esp if granny does everything that they don't). Not healthy to show your DDs that all housework is women's work.

Would you accept having to muck out ponies, get yourself and a child ready to go out (complete with lunches) etc while your DH lazed around in bed? No? Then why is it acceptable for a man to do this if he happens to be "father" instead of "husband"?

aw, itisnotgoingwell - I don't know why you're getting pasted here either, but then I don't really know why you got a bit of a bashing on the last thread as well!

Seems to me that all you want is for your DDs to have a nice life and a father who actually gives enough of a shit about them to
a) get his arse out of bed
b) not expose them to unnecessary risk
c) remember stuff that is to do with his arrangements for them without having to ring you to check
d) act like a responsible father and take some interest in his poor DDs!

What the bloody hell is wrong with that, exactly?
Nothing, IMO.

(How in hell did you manage to stay married to him for 20 years??!!)

Thumbwitch - that's a whole other thread lol

Mind you, I did ask AIBU so the overall consenus is IANBU with one exception

Sorry - pressed post too soon.

What can I do about it though?

I feel really a bit shafted, in the interests of doing this shared parenting thing I feel like I am getting the rough end of the stick and I have no choice, just like when I was married IYSWIM?

I really don't know. But I really don't think 50/50 residency is an option at the moment - it would be so unfair to your DDs. Do consult with them though - they are at, or nearly at, an age where their wishes would be taken into account by a court anyway, aren't they? So ask them what THEY would prefer - because in the end, they are the ones who matter.

I suppose you could say to your elder DD - just get yourself ready, let your Dad get your sister ready or she can do it herself - I know it's technically a bit mean but if the 9yo has to bug her Dad to get out of bed, then that's a good thing.

I fear that the only reason he wants them around for longer is so that they can do more of the housework/pony care, so he can do even less. It certainly doesn't appear that he wants to spend more time with them! So perhaps stop thinking about that.

thumbwitch has summed it up nicely:

Seems to me that all you want is for your DDs to have a nice life and a father who actually gives enough of a shit about them to
a) get his arse out of bed
b) not expose them to unnecessary risk
c) remember stuff that is to do with his arrangements for them without having to ring you to check
d) act like a responsible father and take some interest in his poor DDs!

Oh this is a corker.

He texted me yesterday to say he'd be here at 3.15 to collect the stuff.

It's now almost 3.40.

So I texted him to say "Will you be much longer"

He "forgot" that DD2 was in after school club WHICH HE PAYS FOR AND FILLS IN THE FORMS FOR when he sent that text last night.

He will be here after he gets her from school.

I think I'll just give up. [sigh]

He is a feckless idiot, isn't he. Does he have any redeeming features, apart from paying for stuff?

yeah Thumbwitch the £2 a day for after school club.

Big money that is.

heh, I thought he paid for half the pony upkeep as well? Doesn't he contribute anything else?

Yeah he does pay half that, he pays the insurance on the jeep, I pay the tax and fuel. I buy the riding kit, including tack and pay pony insurance and for the classes the kids do with them. We do try to split the pony costs as near to 50/50 as we can

Luckily I have a reasonable job, and at least he keeps the kids some of the time.

sorry to hijack but to ballstoit re locking of adjoining door overnight - sorry but it was completely out of order to do that whether he wanted to have sex with her or not.

Surely they should have done what every other parent has to do and do it when dcs are asleep - I think it's highly abnormal to lock dcs out of room on holiday esp at their age - teenagers yes young children no.

You can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't be locking doors on holiday with their own dcs.

My ds2 (six at the time) was prone to nightmares and also in a strange hotel room in a strange place.

Completely unacceptable - children come first in this situation.

If I'd have been in this situaion new partner would have just had to lump it.

So not a lot overall then really.

Talk to your DDs, see what they say. Just in general terms.

Gotta go to bed now - tis silly o'clock where I am. Hope someone has a sensible idea for you. :)

He seems completely irresponsible, and it sounds like his mum encouraged him to be that way "no, no, you're my special boy, let me do that for you..."

Lion, I think his mum still encourages him to be that way!

LionRock - I used to say that to him, that he was no more special than I was and that I had a right to be heard and have my opinions count.

He believes that women should be subservient to their husbands and should obey their husbands as head of the house blah blah blah

He's very good at passive aggressive and at manoevering (sp?) so that I'm stuck with whatever he wants - like asking me to get the girls, saying he'll pick up at a certain time and then being really really late. I'm stuck, there's nothing I can do, I have my kids, they're here, I can't even take them out as I am depending on him to keep them in the morning as I have such an early start some days.

I'm sure you've considered this already, but is there an early-morning breakfast-type club anywhere locally that the girls could go to?

Sorry I'm just trying to think of something helpful. It doesn't seem like you've much chance of getting him to change his behaviour.

As an aside (and with my amateur psychologist hat on), do you think he may have some narcissistic personality traits? Something about the mother/son relationship got me thinking of the Golden Child syndrome... If so, being aware of what messages he is sending your daughters may be useful. Lots of children report that they are drawn into narc relationships as adults as a parent groomed them so they think it's normal to cater for their partner's every whim.

From wiki
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2.Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3.Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.Requires excessive admiration
5.Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6.Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7.Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8.Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9.Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Terrible to feel powerless. Sounds like you are feeling very pressurised because, even though you and he have separated, he is still controlling your life?

If he is not responding to reasonable requests about your daughters' safety, it may be time to seek some legal backup, for their sake.

He may blackmail you by threatening to get rid of the ponies, but personally I think it unlikely that he would, especially if he had to explain himself to the girls. Also he probably couldn't sell them without your permission, could he?

What about swapping homes for a few years while the girls are so young? It'd be better if you were nearer the ponies, and could supervise the girls looking after them.

The point I am trying to make (despite being a female, a female whose ex has his children precisely never and pays £3 a week towards them as the CSA decided), is that there can be differences of opinion and it doesnt mean that the mother is always right.

From the information given in your other thread it appeared that he has them more or less half the time and, in my opinion, that means he should have the right to make decisions about what happens in his care. The op doesnt agree with them, I dont agree with all of them, his mother probably agrees with every whim and fancy. However, he has the right to parent the children as he sees fit when they are in his care (and yes, making arrangements for children to have clean clothes and food is still parenting, even if he personally doesnt do the work)unless what he is doing puts the childrens safety at risk.

Op, if you believe mucking out the ponies is a risk then, as I said, you need to speak to him about it and, if necessary, take steps to prevent it happening. However, as far as I'm concerned, leaving children of 9 & 12 to get themselves ready in the morning, with the parent in the house, is not putting their safety at risk. It's perhaps not ideal, but the main objection that posters have is that he is being lazy. Well, maybe he is, but that's how he chooses to parent. I think that feeding children processed food is lazy, but it's not dangerous and I couldnt stop my ex doing it when he used to have our DC.

I'm sorry if you thought I was pasting you. You may well be justified in thinking your ex is a lazy, self centred twat. But he is your children's father (and I'm sure that you, as I do with mine, wish he wasnt). It's not your decision what he does with them, and it's never going to be. For your own sanity it's wise to pick your battles, and if you think the mucking out is one of them, go for it. Dont get dragged into other stuff, and wherever possible dont rise to it.

Your daughters will work out for themselves, as my ex's oldest daughter has done.

The narc stuff fits him to to T - and it's why I left or a large part of it.

He is also a born again Christian (which I mentioned on another thread) so that adds another whole dimention.

Ballstoit - we are doing the 50/50 or as near as possible at his behest, not mine.

I would be much happier to have them with me and him see them very occasionally, but he used the vulnerable state I was in when I finally got the balls to leave him to pressure me into 50/50 or damn near it.

I still think I'm entitled as a parent to have particular issues that to me are line in the sand ones, and for me getting up and seeing them before they go out the door is one of those. For him, it's going to church - they must go every week, even on my weekends.

FWIW I do much more of the care during school holidays as my job is such that I can do this.

'Ideally it's nice to have line in the sand issues, but the less you have the easier your life will be. Would you object to your DD1 getting up alone? At what age do you think it would be okay? Do you plan to stay up every night with her when she hits the teen years and goes nocturnal?

You're good to do the church thing. And it's good that you have changes you can make if you cant reach agreement.