I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

He ain't behavin much like a Christian of any variety

Maybe you could ask for the vicar/priest to mediate between you. Perhaps he would behave a little differently then.

Ballstoit - not sure what you mean? As kids get older it's different, you don't treat a 2 year old the way you treat a 12 year old or indeed the way you treat a 20 year old.

Why should I not be allowed line in the sand issues when he is though? Surely it should work both ways? Give and take and all that??

Hobnobsaremyfave - nope that he ain't

Ballstoit - the pastor from the church would be of the opinion that I should repent my sins and beg his forgiveness for my past behaviour and go back to him.

XH has suggest this before and actually has sent representatives from his church to ask me to do this before.

sigh, I think you need a bit of sympathy but you might not get it from MN as a lot of us will be thinking "2 ponies - so not short of money then". It is tough being a lone parent on both sides.

I'm a daughter of a single parent mum and spent many hours waiting for a dad who didn't show up and when he did was forever critical of me which robbed me of my self esteem for a long time. Its good that he wants to be part of their life and it sounds as though his input has been positive up to now. I' d suggest you both look into parenting courses or look at mediation. He might over react but just suggesting it will make him think about the messages he is sending to the children. To bring up well balanced children when two parents are not a couple is tough but I'm told it is possible and you both should be praised for trying so hard to parent well.

2 ponies, fair enough not short of money but in our defence both were bought unbroken and DD and me broke them, so they didn't cost much, the stables are at his house anyway and the feed isn't a fortune really.

And I don't really see how he's being a positive influence on their lives at the minute

OP I think you are getting bashed on this thread because of the fact that your children have ponies and you seem to be able to have had a house in the country etc... I think its just a touch of bitterness so ignore it.

ballstoit are you seriously saying that the OP should let her children stay in a house where they are neglected and not question it because that is how her ex wishes to parent? So should she ignore it then because while they are with him she somehow relinquishes all rights as a parent to worry about her children?

I am questioning your ability to rationalize TBH, or your ability to actually understand the difference between good and bad parenting.

Should the OP wait until one day the children are mucking out the stables and a pony kicks back or something and hurts her child before saying that they should be supervised?

If they were 15 or 16 I probably wouldn't think of this in he same way, but they are 12 and 9. Why should a 12 year old be getting her 9 year old sibling ready for school when there is a perfectly capable parent around? It is laziness and somewhat neglectful.

My mother used to work long nights so there was a reason there, not just laziness.

YANBU.
It's fine for them to do the dishwasher stuff but he really should get out of bed before school. It's only two mornings a week. Besides, doesn't he want to see them before school since he only has them two days per week.

Lazy and selfish springs to mind.

Plus, I didn't used to "do" getting up several times in the middle of the night, but I do it now...

One pony cost £400 the other was £500 both were not broken in, couldn't be ridden.

Tack was bought second hand off ebay - except for the bits, they were new but are only really around a tenner each.

DD1 has a job in the summer at a stables and that pays for some of the stuff as well.

The stables are at the ex's house, they were there when we originally bought the house.

So having the ponies is something that DD1 in particular WORKS HARD for

I don't really see why it's relevant, other than they are having to muck them out on their own.

Hang on, isn't it illegal to be working at 12?

I looked at the child employment

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002945

section of DirectGov, and it said 13 is the legal minimum apart from child actors and models.

If you are encouraging this, then maybe your ex will use it as another stick to beat you with. Perhaps have a look at the website and see whether this should stop.

Why be ashamed of being able to afford to keep ponies, too? No need to make excuses about how cheap they were/how cheaply you can keep them.

She helps out at the stables leading ponies in lessons and stuff - gets bits a pieces for it, and gets her own lessons for free which saves us a fortune.

The ponies are an effort to keep - but how many MNetters have kids who do an activity that takes time and energy? Swimming, hockey, football, rugby?

She's been helping at the stables for years and years and years

I didn't realise it was breaking the law She's paid mostly in horse stuff not actual cash though

id be off to a solicitor and get everything down in writing and then if he can't do it - id go back to solicitor.

id more than likely use your op as an excuse only if i felt like i wanted to fuck him over cos he's a cunt

at 12 and 9 kids should be able to get themselves ready for school

my kids were ironing their uniforms at 10

itisnotgoingwelltoday

I am sorry you feel like you have to defend yourself. I suppose it's inevitable that people make assumptions and fill the gaps however much backstory you attempt to give. You've asked for constructive advice for your situation. Hopefully you'll get more of this as more people are coming online this evening.

I have to go and get ready - I'm out at a work related thing tonight - but I will be back later, not running off the thread

Lionrock - thanks. I suppose it just feels like I'm being made out to be a bad mother because I don't agree with everything my ex is doing.

But on the other hand, if I agreed with his view of the world, for a start 99% of MN would be shouting at me to leave him, and second we would still be married, not separated

And DD1 is very keen to keep the ponies, which is why I suspect she didn't tell me that XH wasn't getting up to supervise/be around when they were doing them in the mornings - I think she knew I wouldn't be too pleased.

Now I really really have to go and ready!

Yes, if you do, in your heart of hearts, feel the children are neglected or unsafe at your XH's house, you could probably do with some legal support.

But if/as your oldest girl has been working with horses at the stables for years, with your permission, I think you might have a bit of trouble using the 'mucking out alone' thing as leverage. She's a professional equine handler by the sounds of things

Maybe concentrate on the damaging effects of his unreliability in collecting the children, if this is damaging for them.

They probably love their Dad, for all his obvious faults, and don't mind putting up with him.

You made the right choice in getting out, but don't allow him to rule your life. Start being more mysterious when revealing details of your own timetable, and try switching off your own mobile a bit more often. He'll soon get the message!

I am [shocked] that the op has felt she had to explain herself re. the cost of ponies, that is ridiculous! What the hell has that got to do with anything?! If people have been negative toward the op because her DD's have ponies I am disgusted

oops not shocked

He does sound quite lazy. It is very irritating that he forgets things in relation to the kids. And if the 9 year old needs help getting ready, he should be the one doing it rather than the older daughter.

But, it sounds like he is teaching them responsibility. (the kind maybe he lacks himself in some ways)
Dishwasher duties, clearing up the kitchen after a meal (which would not be difficult at all if the meals are pre cooked)

The Ponies: If they want ponies they should do their fair share of mucking out. Its a good thing to learn that Ponies are not just there for the fun parts.
These girls have had ponies for a long time. They should be more than capable of cleaning their stalls. leading a pony you know well out of a stable before cleaning it is not very dangerous. There is a difference between this and something like loading one on to a truck, or riding at a young age.

I grew up on a farm and did loads of out door things without my parents supervising my every move. Its part of growing up. I really think many children these days are wrapped in cotton wool, and it means they miss out on a lot of things.

Speak to him about his reliability, tell him your younger daughter needs more help in the mornings and that the older one doesnt want the pressure of getting her sister ready.
But leave him to his other parenting decisions unless they ACTUALLY cause the children serious danger. Who cares if his mum cooks his dinner. I bet she is a better cook than he so the girls get nicer food.

Who mucks them out on the other 5 days can I ask??

My sister and I, aged 9 and 12 respectively in the early 80s used to get up and sort out our horses on our own. Same village, riding bikes up a hill, all weathers, breaking the ice with a hammer.

Only when the weather was really bad did we get a lift.

BUT, either one, or other, often both of our parents WAS up and available to get our breakfasts etc.

I don't know where your animals are in relation to the house, but there ought to be no reason for them to be in any immediate danger, get them to wear their hats at all times if you are concerned.

I agree this child care of his is really sub-standard, but sounds like that is him all over.

I agree with those that say pick your battles, the lateness, the lack of reliability, but ultimately there is little you can do really.

The DC will see him for what he is soon enough.

My dd had her own pony from the age of 7.At first we used a livery yard but from 13 she used to get herself up at 6.30 every morning-go through the fence to the pony's field and in Winter muck out,feed and groom before coming home to showere and get ready for school.The rest of the year she would turn her pony out after his feed and leave the stable till after school.
Admittedly there was no youger sibling and I was at home with her breakfast ready before school but to be honest I never thought of the morning chores as dangerous.Pony was a 14.3hh Pony Club eventer.I think yab a little bit u but your ex is being very very unreasonable.

You don't need to make excuses about your DDs having the ponies.

It is insane to expect then to look after themselves and 2 ponies in the morning before school.

I have a horse and struggle with doing her stable in the mornings along with packed lunches and getting children ready but it is my job to do all those things, it is not your 12 yr old DDs job, this is absolutely what your exH should be doing. While I do think a 12 yr old is capable of doing stables by herself, it is so unfair to put her in a position where she feels she has to along with all the other things she is doing that your ex should be doing.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but you need to discuss this with him. He can't just stay in bed and leave them to it. Does he work?