I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

and will get flamed for this most women put their children first - not my experience of some fathers - they tend to put themselves first

note the 'some'

sincitylover, I'd be pretty upset if my DC walked in on their dad and his new p having sex, so think I'd rather have the door locked TBH.

Ops ex cant win whatever he does. He probably thinks the OP is a control freak who thinks she is the only one who can decide what's best for their children. That she was happy for them to get ponies but takes no responsiility for mucking them out.

Ex MIL probably thinks OP is a terrible mother because she doesnt take her DDs breakfast in bed every morning.

Lots of 12 year olds get themselves to school on their own. From secondary age I got up, dressed and to school without any help from my parents. They were in the house but didnt get up until after I left. As did my brothers and sister. No one thought my parents were neglectful.

Oh dear, I just wouldn't bother with him full stop. What an irresponsible parent, seems like his mother has created a monster.

Ponies are dangerous to quite an extent, they are not as docile as people think. Your DC should not be handling this task unsupervised

I think most people picked up on the dishwasher issue as you saying they should somehow be exempt from chores but your DC1's responsible nature seems to tell me they are not being raised that way in actuallity.

Even their general getting ready should be supervised in case any issues should arrise and a parent is needed to alleviate whatever it might be.

Your DC seem more responsible than their father which is sad to say the least. I wouldn't send them round again till he shaped up.

Maybe the ponies are just an extra stress your family does not need due to the practicalities of that situation.

didn't answer my question, ballstoit.
And you're still missing the point that this isn't a single 12yo child, it is a 12yo child having to take responsibility for her 9yo sister as well.

He sounds like a lazy selfish twat to me, and you have good reasons to resist 50-50 care, as his 'care' doesn't amount to much. I rather suspect though that the girls will make their feelings more and more plain on this issue as they get older. His chickens will come home to roost then, alright.

I'm not sure there is much you can so about it really, and I understand you feeling upset. I think you should at least thank your lucky stars every single day that you are no longer married to the irritating loafer, and your girls don't have to put up with him full-time.

'I wouldnt send them round again til he shaped up'

He's the children's FATHER not some random that the Op can stop thhem seeing.

They have a difference of opinion about how they should bring their children up. They should sit down like adults and come to an agreement about what they will do. You'll notice I didnt say they should siit down and the op should tell her children's father how she wants him to bring them up.

OK back for a minute, then off home to meet up with ex.

To answer the points, yes I may not muck the ponies out first thing in the mornings, but I give up loads of spare time to take the DD's to events and to stand in the field when DD's are riding. And fwiw if i'm there in the evenings doing that I do the evening muck out/feed. The DD's don't ride unsupervised - either I supervise them, or they're at an event, or they have a riding instructor.

I do pay my fair share to the ponies upkeep and do my bit - I do feel it's a bit unfair to presume I don't. The ponies are the kids main hobby, we both made a decision that they would stay when I left, in fact one has been bought since I left, I just assumed it was like it was when I was there in the mornings and he was getting up like I used to to help with the mucking out.

Ballstoit - I am not trying to control what he does with the kids - see my other thread which I linked to for evidence of this!

If he pays his mother for washing/ironing and providing the meals she sends I'll eat my hat! I'd bet my life that he doesn't (20 years of being married to him tells me that!)

I have no problem with the DD's doing chores, I do think it's good to teach them responsibility but there's a big difference I think between doing them with a bit of adult input and being the one who is solely responsible??

Gotta run - wouldn't do if I was late

Ballstoit - he can do whatever he likes when they're with him - honestly.

Except he shouldn't be putting them in danger, that's careless, neglectful and just WRONG.

And he shouldn't be expecting a 12 year old to get a 9 year old up and ready - that's unfair. He does take DD2 to school, but that's only because there's not a bus.

And he works for himself. From home, most of the time although he is in the office maybe 1 day a week on average

Really really gtg now or I will be late lol

Thumbwitch, personally I would be happy for my 12 year old to get themselves up and dressed and to school. As I said, I did at that age and think it was good for me. I would be happy for my 9 year old to get themselves up, fed and dressed. I would be unhappy for them to muck out horses, but dont think children should have pets til they're able to do the majority of caring for them so that's pretty irrelevant.

I wouldnt be happy for my children to grow up believing that fathers are second class parents and that they, as females, should make all the decisions.

Ballstoit - did you miss my other thread where I pointed out that he makes decisions about the kids and how he wants them looked after??

He can do whatever he likes...except this or this

Fair enough about the dangerous bit.

Not fair enough about the getting up, that's a difference of opinion.

ballstoit appears to have his own axe to grind here.
And he is STILL missing the point that the 12yo is taking effectively parental responsibility for the 9yo when there is a supposed parent in the house who cannot be bothered to get out of bed. Ballstoit, IS THIS the way you would choose to parent your children who you only saw part of the week?

ballstoit, I am not saying they should not see their father, I actually am a supporter of Fathers 4 Justice as I think society leans towards favouring mothers almost automatically.

But, I do not think the OP should send her children to a house where they are left unsupervised while working with large animals and generally seem to be ignored for the most part.

Its not about a difference of opinion, its about general rubbish parenting IMO. If he actually gave a crap he would get out of bed to see his kids of to school and be part of their mornings as he wont see them again for a while.

I used to get myself and siblings ready for school because my mum used to work nights, but this seems to be a general "I cannot give a shit" attitude to his children.

I feel pretty sorry for your DDs, having a dad who doesn't seem to want to spend time with them despite blethering on about having 50/50 custody. He's also showing them that he thinks men are there to be waited on by women, not exactly a healthy attitude.

I do think that it's healthy for children to be given responsibilities , but it's a question of balance, isn't it? Fine to get them to make breakfast and do chores etc, but for goodness sake show them that you want to spend time with them too. Otherwise they won't feel loved, just used.

Do your DD's have any relatives in their lives that could fill the 'good male role model' slot that your ex is patently failing in? It would be a shame if they grow up thinking this is the way all men are, as so many are decent guys and good fathers.

Yes, I read the other thread in which you slagged him off for checking that your daughter was at after school club.

I also noticed that you said they spent every other weekend with him in that thread although you've not mentioned that in this one. I wonder why

Thumbwitch, I'm not a man . Is it only men that think that they have an equal role to play in parenting?

Ops ex has them every other weekend, not that she's mentioned that on this thread.

yep. definite axe-grinding.

LDN and blonde, may be worth you reading that other thread as well before assuming he doesnt want to spend time with them.

Ballstoit - the only issue I really have a gripe with is that he won't get out of bed in the morning to see a 12 year old off to school and expects that 12 yeare old to get a nine year old ready , and that he makes them see to two ponies by themselves, without adult supervision and input.

The rest I pointed out to show that he is doing NO care for them, he's not washing their clothes, he's not cooking, he's not cleaning.

Where have I said that I expect to make all the decisions?

IF I DID then they wouldn't be going near his mother at all, since they don't like going there, IF I DID then he'd be pulling his weight with the trailing to events with the kids, IF I DID then they'd be getting more care at his house, DD2 wouldn't be dumped on anyone who would look after her when it didn't suit him - but you know I really do believe that when he has the kids it's up to him. If I was making all the decisions he would see them one evening a week and every other weekend like most NRP's get - but believe it or not (and you obviously won't) we are trying to move to 50/50 shared care and work it on an equitable basis. With as much give and take as possible.

Am I not allowed to have an issue which is set for me? Something that's my line in the sand, step too far? Am I supposed to be totally subservient to his wishes? If that's the case, I should've just stayed married to him then

But if I was the one not getting up in the morning and they were leaving here without me having seen them, or if I wasn't washing their clothes, or if I was putting them in danger, I think you'd have a different opinion

Ballstoit - He decides to send DD2 to after school club, I think given that he sends the money in, it should be up to him to remember that she's going! (which is your point about me "slagging him off")

Oh and FWIW I didn't mention the "he has them every other weekend" on this thread because I deliberately linked to the other thread for backstory.

And to say he has them every other weekend is even being charitable. On the Friday nights they are with him I pick them up at 6-ish and we get the ponies ready and go to a showjumping event which starts at 7 and ends about 9 or 10. And on a Saturday it's hunting or working hunter, again I do that. And almost every Sunday there's a showjumping event in the afternoon, after church, starts at 3.

And he doesn't come to those events - he's done one Friday night since September, no Sat and no Sun.

And with regard to the ponies, DD1 and DD2 are doing the majority of the care for ponies, and were even before I left the family home, so I don't understand your implication ballstoit that they shouldn't have the ponies?

ballstoit Whether he has them every other weekend or not is neither here nor there! What does that prove? That he has 2 weekends a month to lay in bed while they look after themselves and do all the household chores?

Oh and I take them to horse events, he goes to his mother.

Before Ballstoit jumps on that one.

I don't think you should be moving towards 50-50 care though- why would you? It would be 50% care, and 50% couldn't care less.

Axe indeed.

I don't understand why I am getting pasted?

I'm honestly trying to do my best to co-parent with him, and not make all the decisions.

And the only reason I didn't say he had them every other weekend is because I said it on the other thread, which I linked to to give the backstory??

I agree with BoF there. Why make them put up with even less care than they are already getting? Unless they want to of course.