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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women are still fanciable at forty

121 replies

rozbury · 09/03/2011 12:40

DH and myself had a recent night out with a friend and her DH and the conversation got around to age gaps in relationships. We are all in our 40s.

My friend's DH then came out with the statement "all men in their forties and fifties would be with a 20 something woman if they had the opportunity". He then asked my DH if he would rather be with a 20 something woman. Luckily for him, my DH was too embarrassed to answer and changed the subject.

This comment has been on my mind abit because since having the kids I struggle to see myself as attractive anyway and now I'm looking at my DH thinking am I too old for him, even though he is 5 years older than me!!

I know loads of gorgeous women in their 40s so is this guy just a sexist pig or is there an element of truth in what he is saying?

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 09/03/2011 13:08

I'm 44 with a dh 7 years younger, and according to my dh I still have 'it' I was in Sainsbury's last week and was eyed up by a hunky 6th former, wasn't just my imagination, my dh pointed it out.
I have to confess it made me feel rather good, even if it was in a rather Mrs.Robinson kind of way.

mayorquimby · 09/03/2011 13:09

TBF I'd agree with his sentiment if not his wording.

SunRaysthruClouds · 09/03/2011 13:09

Well as a man of 47 I can categorically say that the 'all men' statement is wrong because I definitely wouldn't. In fact having separated last year I went on a dating site a few months ago and was not interested in anyone under 40. I met and am with a lovely lady of 47.
There is so much to having a relationship with someone of a similar age, and women of all ages are beautiful; it's just that the beauty changes and develops over time. But the experience and knowledge counts for so much more as well, to anyone with half a brain cell.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/03/2011 13:09

Chil1234 - yes, say what you like about the MILF / Cougar stereotype (and I'm not disputing that it is sexist) but there isn't an equivalent one for men.

"And have you ever noticed how the middle-aged men who say this kind of thing are paunchy, balding and have a face like a bag of spanners?"

Very true.

northernrock · 09/03/2011 13:10

Also, I guess in a way OP, your DH's mate is right-think about how many male Hollywood stars are married to women the same age as them?

Even the aforementioned Brad Pitts Missus is at least a decade younger than him.

In my experience of online dating the men who contact me first are always the ones about seven to twelve years older than me.

Then later on, the ones my age (thirties) get in touch, probably on their second go round after they have been dissapointed by the twenty somethings they were initially attracted by!

It pretty base.

The thing is though, I have plenty that younger women don't, and any man worth his salt will see that, so there is really no point worrying about it.
At heart most men are fantasists anyway (sad but true.)

NinkyNonker · 09/03/2011 13:10

I'm 'only' 30 but feel, and think I look better now than I did when I was 20. What a ridiculous thing to say!

CSI always makes me laugh Blondepinhead, the women seem to get younger each series whereas the men get older!

smallwhitecat · 09/03/2011 13:11

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kerstina · 09/03/2011 13:11

I feel more sorry for men who go bald. I would rather have a younger man if he has a full head of hair so I guess I am as shallow saying thatGrin
Was watching friends last night and Monica certainly was not at her peak in her teens (fat suit) I think not all teens are beauties some blossom later in life.
Luckily with us females we can fake it dewy foundation, radiant blusher and glossy hair colour. Forty has never looked so goodSmile

LeroyJethroGibbs · 09/03/2011 13:12

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TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/03/2011 13:14

I hate that 'women grow old / men mature and become distinguished' theme. What a lot of old fashioned boohickey. Sadly it does seem to dominate TV. Does anyone look at Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daley and think 'yes, they are on about a par, looks wise'

thx1138 · 09/03/2011 13:15

I couldn't careless what men find attractive now i'm over 40 and the absence of wolf whistles would be a bonus as far as I am concerned. It's all a load of shallow bollocks and my response to this guy would have been to get a life.

northernrock · 09/03/2011 13:17

I think I make builders feel uncomfortable with my leering..Grin

SardineQueen · 09/03/2011 13:19

YANBU

This bloke didn't even say that men will turn their heads more for 20yo than for 40yo, which I am sure is generally true.

He said that a men in happy relationships with 40yo would chuck it in for the chance of being with a 20yo. Which is patent cobblers.

SardineQueen · 09/03/2011 13:20

What he is saying I guess is that physical appearnace is all there is for him, that women are just that and no more. That personality, shared history, love, those things don't exist for him. That's really sad.

Mahraih · 09/03/2011 13:21

I'm 22 and think YANBU, OP. My mother is 54 and looks better than she did in her twenties - she's just aged beautifully.

If it helps, 'older' men have hit on me and my friends at times and the kind of guy who actively targets a woman 20 years younger than himself is, in my experience: not particularly attractive, not particularly charming, and wearing clothes that were 'cool' in the eighties.

ZZZenAgain · 09/03/2011 13:23

I think this idiot fancies you OP, I think that was behind it somehow

northernrock · 09/03/2011 13:26

Oooh, Zen! You may be onto something there..

StreetWiseHotMum · 09/03/2011 13:27

What an imbecile.

blondepinhead · 09/03/2011 13:32

Totally agree with you SardineQueen. Which is why I'm still surprised his wife didn't call him on this ignorant comment. Or maybe she did and the OP just didn't mention it?

carmenelectra · 09/03/2011 13:33

I do think there is an element of truth in the fact that many men would like a younger woman if they could 'pull' one. In theory I do think that a fair number of many older men fancy and would like to be with a woman in her 20's. In practice, I don't many would actually try and date one of these women, although I do think younger women would probably be seen as the ideal.

Men can be very shallow and even when ageing themselves they don't seem to see this! Generally I think women in their 40's look after themselves better than men of the same age, yet you often hear blokes complaining that the wife has put on weight etc etc. I suspect a lot of men leer at younger women and don't care if they are embarrassing themselves.

I know this is a bit of a generalisation and who am I to talk, as I am 40 and I definitely fancy younger men rather than ones of my own age and certainly older.Grin.

I am told that i am attractive at 40(though not by men!!) and I do make a huge effort with my appearance, but I know that I don't look as good as I did ten years ago.

I do think this bloke sounds like a sexist pig and it's usually blokes like that who need to take a big look in the mirror to see actually how well are they ageing.

Of course women can be attractive at any age, but you only have to look at lads mags, page three etc and see exactly how many men really want to ogle a 40 yr old, if they have the choice. Like i say in reality though, most men would never have the bottle to date a younger women.

noodle69 · 09/03/2011 13:40

I think most young men are very attracted to older women. Most men I know do its the milf, older woman thing. (I speak as a woman in my 20s who hangs around with a lot of men)

RitaLynn · 09/03/2011 13:40

Putting aside how insensitive and stupid that man was, there probably is (putting my science cap on) some truth to the claim that young women are more attractive than older women to men.

I think there is a natural desire for men to be attracted to fertility, and women to be attracted to providers, and it's why we see so many wealthy men with young models, etc.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/03/2011 13:42

I did go out with a much older man (38!!) when I was 21 for a year or so. He was very fit, I thought, for someone of such advanced decrepitude Grin and took care of himself. But a lot of men don't.

E320 · 09/03/2011 13:56

Hmm, I met my "toy-boy" when he was 41 and I was 48. He is now 46 and I am 52 and he is "crazy" about me :-) Actually the feeling is mutual.
Men of my own age don't do it for me at all. They are either wanting someone to look after them or they have let themselves go.

fedupwithdeployment · 09/03/2011 13:57

I think he is a prat. Your Friend's DH that is. I for one look a lot better now (40 and proud) than I did at 20. Would be nice to have a bit more me time etc, and ensure nails were perfectly manicured etc...but I don't look too bad! And am a size 10 not pushing 16 as I was in those days!