to have felt so bad at a wedding

[FlorencesMachine]

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

If I see someone morbidly obese I don't wonder if they are unlovable, I just have a few fleeting thoughts 1) They are big. 2) How did they get that big? 3)Must be really awful being that big, why don't they do something about it? and, because I'm not actually that interested, I'll be thinking about the next thing / talking to my children. So I can't say I've ever even thought about whether morbidly obese people are lovelable.

I do believe that it must be pretty difficult to get massive without other people helping you or at the very least failing to intervene and I find that odd.

Spongefinger, yes my thoughts.

I would love my DH whatever but I would not fancy him if he were fat nor he me.

Just the way it is.

Like some people don't fancy hairy chests or short men.

Im overweight (not morbidly obsese) and certainly dont feel attacked. I feel tired of people being able to slate someone purely because of their size/physical appearance then use being concerned about their health as an excuse for the anger directed at them. Boswelox is it concern for their health- its become the modern day equivalent of victorian freak shows

I really think it is the opposite, Gemsy. I think being unhealthily fat has been something you're not allowed to comment on - people even complain that their doctors comment on it!

Well said Gemsy. Nail hit squarely on head.

Spongefinger, Read The Thread Before You Comment. You agree with the OP, then you don't agree with the OP. Remind me who is bandwagon-jumping

LittleRedDragon my cousin went to the GP with an ear infection. His first statement to her was "well, you are very overweight". She replied thank you, she knew that amd was attending slimming world. However, it's unlikely to have caused an ear infection so please could he look at her ear. She eventually had to see another doctor because he was fixated on her size and refused to look at issues which were totally unrelated. Is that the sort of comment from the GP that we should expect?

Eh? I have read the OP and I do agree with it! OP said bride was 'massively obese' and she couldn't stop thinking about it, I'd have been the same.

Generally when I see morbidly obese people it is in passing and I don't carry on thinking about them once they've gone, but at a wedding where the bride was centre of attention I'd think about it lots, and feel bad for doing so. OP also doesn't say that fat people aren't loveable, she implied that she found it hard to understand how someone could fancy someone who was morbidly obese. I certainly agree there!

If you are morbidly obese how do you physically do it?

you dont know her that well, your own words, then why the hell were you at her wedding?

the bride obv thought you or your dh were her/her new hubbys friends to invite you?

my friend is a very large lady, and got married a few years ago, she is prob a size 30+ and her hubby is a skinny bean pole and she towers over him

they are so in love

a few years ago i was told i was obese as bmi was 33 ( i was 15stone and 5ft 7)and a size 18, so a bit porky but def not obese imho

blondeshavemorefun

"you dont know her that well, your own words, then why the hell were you at her wedding?"

Er, typically weddings bring together two people, each with their own set of friends and family, unless you're in Alabama. I'm related to the groom

The op stated It affected how she felt about the day. How she felt about the day, mind. Then she questioned did the groom really love her and why was he marrying her. You said you agreed and then later on you said you didn't agree with the love bit. Sorry to pick holes but I think it's a bit rich of you to accuse others (who have been affected by this sort of ignorance) of bandwagon jumping when you clearly didn't think too much about your reply.

so you know the groom, surely you would know what he is like as a person (ie not a fatist) and why he married his bride, prob as love of his life

on the other hand, you have posted what some people may feel, but would never say, so guess least you are being honest

love comes in many different packages :)

Gwendoline,

Firstly, it affected how I felt about the day, well, who else can I comment on? I don't pretend that my feelings are more important than the bride's.

Secondly, I did word it badly, but I didn't think or write "that there's no way he could love her", "fat people don't deserve love", etc

blondeshavemorefun

The groom's my cousin, and I don't strictly know whether he has any sexual fetishes, and really it's none of my business, and of course, I don't know why they married. As we read on these threads, lots of people marry for lots of different reasons (think the relationships forum on here)

I don't actually believe that there is a fat/overweight/obese/morbidly obese man or woman alive who would not take a magic pill to become slim overnight, if such a thing were available. It's more than aesthetics, obesity carries massive health risks and quite honestly, I would think very carefully about starting a family with somebody for whom this would present significantly increased risks.

That's why I don't really buy in to the 'fat and happy' premise either. I think that some people kid themselves that their weight doesn't matter to them, but I think it does. The weight loss business has never been bigger or busier and threads here about weight are a real draw to posters, whatever their size.

I think the OP posted honestly and, as another poster has said, the bride is the centre of attention for the whole day. I hope she's not disappointed in her photos, nor astutely aware of the patronising exclamations that she will probably receive, from guests, friends and anybody else who views the photos.

There has never been more acceptance of fatness - the shops are full of clothes that cater to larger and larger sizes, all to cope with the demand from consumers... but rightly or wrongly, it's still a slim world in my view.

It still doesn't mean that people aren't loveable, whatever their size, there's just a heck of a stigma that goes with extremes of anything.

You don't ever read magazine articles with

'I weighed 9 stone on my wedding day and I look at the photos and cry'...

you do however read umpteen

'I was shocked when I saw the holiday/wedding pictures and I realised I just HAD to lose the weight and I've never looked back'

I don't see what that's got to do with "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

No one is blaming the OP for noticing that the bride was obese. She wasn't openly discussing it with the person next to her in the pew. It's not great but it happens. I'm a size 20 and people's weight is the first thing I notice because I'm so aware of my own. But there's a world of difference between that and quesioning their relationship.

And LyingWitch is spot on. I would take a magic pill like a shot and so would the bride. Does anyone really think that woman isn't aware of her size? And do you think she'd feel better if she knew that people at her wedding were sitting there watching and questioning her husband's motives? However you dress it up, that attitude is unforgiveable.

Why is it unforgivable to think that a morbidly obese person should lose weight? Why is it 'ignorant'?

blondeshavemorefun

BMI of over 30 is classified as obese. 25-29.9 is overweight.

spongefingers

I'm not sticking up for the OP here, but do you ever question someone else's relationship in your head, even at a wedding?

In the OP's case, obesity was the cause, but I would have thought in someone else's case, it might be knowing that the groom had a gambling addiction, or that the groom has never worked.

I think some of this debate does come down to where one stands on obesity morally. I do have a tendancy to attach negative thoughts to it. Maybe that opinion is wrong.

Rita - I agree. i often wonder why a good friend of mine married her DH because he is exceptionally dull and a bit odd, quite normal to wonder about people's relationships IMO. And I think that with regard to obesity lots of people don't find it attractive, think we just need more honesty really! Although probably not out loud!

Gwen - well, I'm not a doctor so I've no idea what they should/shouldn't comment on. I can see it is out of order if the doctor talks about weight before talking about the unrelated reason for a visit, yes. But why not comment on it? If you're a smoker or a drinker, they'll comment on that too. Few people die of earache; plenty die from being morbidly obese.

herekitty i know :( anything over 30 is - hence why doctors said i was obese, but tbh i didnt think i was, yes i was def 4stone overweight but wouldnt call myself obese :(