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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:
fastedwina · 07/03/2011 11:48

do people really not have these thoughts sometimes? You can't help fleeting thoughts passing through your head and you can later tell yourself your being unreasonable. I would imagine many of us at some time have had that thought when looking at couples who seem 'mismatched' someway, whether it be different sizes or big difference in attractiveness - don't know if I'd start a thread about it though.

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 12:54

Looking through some of the comments on this thread, there seems to be a consensus that childhood obesity is bad, but that adult obesity's not so bad and one shouldn't be judgmental about it

OP posts:
MilkNoSugarPlease · 07/03/2011 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TotemPole · 07/03/2011 13:09

I thought the point of this thread was the OP realised her thoughts were wrong and she felt bad because of the guilt?

OnlyOneLife · 07/03/2011 13:11

Some dishonesty here - my God you'd swear no-one posting on here about bitch this and horrible cow that had ever had a nasty thought in their lives. I've had plenty, but it's how you choose to behave that determines if you're a nasty bitch or not.

You can't always help what thoughts come into your head. The OP has achnowledged she was being sizeist and at least is being honest here. I'm not sylph-like and I frequently look at much larger women in a fairly judgmental way. This bride may one day become a mom and that should be a concern to her and her new husband, because then their life-style choices will affect not only them but their children. These sorts of things do affect one's thoughts when seeing a morbidly obese (and I'm guessing OP is talking about super morbidly obese here) woman getting married.

PepsiPopcorn · 07/03/2011 13:20

"These sorts of things do affect one's thoughts when seeing a morbidly obese woman getting married."

Really? Don't you think people are just pleased for their friend?

Presumably people are aware of the person's size but most people once they've made friends with someone don't keep mulling over what they look like or what size they are.

cornflowers · 07/03/2011 13:27

I'm frankly astonished at some of the responses here. Seems the Orwellian 'thought crime' police are out in force... OP, YANBU! You felt uncomfortable, you entertained some rather uncharitable thoughts about someone you hardly know and you chided yourself for feeling/thinking the way you did. All perfectly normal & understandable IMHO, and anyone who suggests otherwise is deluding themselves. What strikes me as particularly ironic (and sadly not for the first time on MN) is that those who are determined to tell the OP what a nasty person she is, choose to do so in an incredibly unpleasant & aggressive (and dare I say it, nasty) way Hmm

UrsulaBuffay · 07/03/2011 13:28

I'd have thought 'woah, big lass'. I might have thought 'ooh that dress doesn't suit her/is a bit tight'. I might even have thought 'odd couple Hmm'

What I wouldn't have thought is 'how can he love or fancy her'. I wouldn't have been disgusted. I wouldn't have judged her as a person and I wouldn't have bitched about her on her wedding day or on the internet afterwards.

In fact, a friend of mine got married, she lost over 6 stone and when she came through the door my jaw hit the floor. I thought pretty negative things tbh, 'she looks too thin, she lost it too quickly, she'll put it back on'. But that lasted a fraction of a second and for the rest of the day and ever since I have thought she was probably the happiest bride I have ever seen and it was one of the most emotional weddings I've ever been to for various reasons.

We might all think things fleetingly, but there is a difference in your attitude that comes across as just being mean.

Shirleywhirly · 07/03/2011 13:28

What gets me are comments about " real women" with the rider that " real " women are fat/curvy.

There are plenty of slim/skinny " real" women.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 13:35

So what did you expect to gain by airing your thoughts then? A pat on the back for being so wonderfully open with your prejudice? There you go OP, . Now you can feel better about yourself.

However, it's not that simple is it? I wonder why my friend married that black bloke? Oh I know I'm being racist but I'm admitting it so that's alright then, I'm not a wanker. Sure obesity is mostly self inflicted. Doesn't make it any easier to live with when people have attitudes like some of the ones shown on this thread. And it doesn't excuse the abuse that people get.

Noticing her size is one thing. Being so critical that it dominates how you feel about the wedding for you is odd. News alert, it's none of your damn business. As for the why is he marrying her/does he love her...I'm lost for words.

Pancakeflipper · 07/03/2011 13:40

I get the part about you think "blimey that's a big bride". I get you might think "Dress doesn't suit.". I get you might think "Hate this colour scheme and what is that thing Aunt Madge has on her head? etc...

But I don't get the thinking about it all through ceremony and speeches and then wondering how he could love her because of her weight.

BettyCash · 07/03/2011 13:40

Well Gwendoline a lot of obesity is self-inflicted, and part of the reason I'm not attracted to fat men is because obesity signifies lack of self-respect and an inability to eat healthily.

Would you want to marry someone who might hate themselves and make your kids fat? Doubt it!

Pancakeflipper · 07/03/2011 13:44

In many cultures being fat is a sign of health and wealth.

BettyCash · 07/03/2011 13:46

Not mine

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 13:47

I hate myself and my husband loves me to bits, so that's disproved that theory Hmm.

What the hell kind of person sits and watches a wedding ceremony and thinks "ooh, how could he possibly love her?"

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 13:50

Perhaps the love part, perhaps because I'm not attracted to obese man, but that was just a sample of one of the worst thoughts I had. Perhaps the major thought was how he could be attracted to her physically

(I know this is none of my business, it was something I thought)

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 13:55

But you want us to tell you it's ok to think like that. Trust me, it isn't.

treas · 07/03/2011 14:09

Op - no-one is saying that obesity at any age is good, it is the fact that you were so excessively critical about the bride that it was all you thought about the whole day. That is just shallow.

My sister was born with only one hand, does that mean that she cannot be physically attractive to someone? Or could someone look past that and admire her for the fact that she is extremely pretty and intelligent, kind and capable of speaking 7 languages.

Some people or attracted by the cerebral or by how a person treats others not just on shallow physicality - which know one can guarantee will last.

prettyfly1 · 07/03/2011 14:13

Um I think you are being reasonable in one sense and entirely unreasonable in another.

  1. Reasonable - to wonder about her weight, notice how she looked etc - we all do it.
  1. Unreasonable - to question her personality in relation to her weight (she seemed nice) and why her husband was marrying her. We get married to people who love us know matter what if we are lucky and I think suggesting someone isnt worthy of love or attraction if they are big is shallow and cruel frankly. Nice people smoke, drink, take drugs and get fat. It isnt great behaviour and in an ideal world it wouldnt happen but it does and most of us have a weakness in one way or another. Apart from me who is perfectly perfect in every perfect way Grin
BulletWithAName · 07/03/2011 14:16

I wouldn't be thinking that the groom didn't love her, I'd probably be thinking that she'd cringe when she gets the wedding photos back and see how big she looks, because I know I would.

I used to be overweight in my early teens, I thought I looked fine, had some pictures taken and was actually shocked about how bad I looked! I had been in denial, and I made a pointed effort from then on to lose weight and keep it off, and I've never been overweight again.

Shirleywhirly · 07/03/2011 14:17

In many cultures being fat is a sign of health and wealth.

Yet in ours it is quite the reverse, no?

BulletWithAName · 07/03/2011 14:19

In the cultures where being fat=wealth and health, they are usually developing countries.

MissyKLo · 07/03/2011 14:24

I so agree with cornflowers and as always, lyingwitch talks a lot of sense
Whilst I think the op has had some harsh thoughts, it does seem that there are certain vultures who wait to find such a thread and swoop in to unleash their bitchy comments...

And totally agree about the irony of them doing so...

TyraG · 07/03/2011 14:28

Wait, so you came on here saying how bad you felt, but now you're defending why you said it? That doesn't quite make sense. Clearly you don't feel bad. I also don't understand the point of posting it on here.

TyraG · 07/03/2011 14:28

sorry, why you thought it, not said it.