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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:
InPraiseOfBacchus · 07/03/2011 10:11

My sympathy in advance for all the righteous do-gooders who are poised to accuse you of a hideous crime, as society sees it.

You were concerned because you know that the bride herself is probably aware of the fact that her size will be noticeable in all of her wedding photographs. You knew that's how you'd feel in the same position.

I don't think you're guilty of thought crime, but for some reason it's considered horrible to hint that people who choose to eat more than they need and put a strain on national healthcare while much of the world is starving... might have made a bad choice in their lifestyles.

I used to be a LOT larger, and stayed that way because of social pressures. If I mentioned dieting, my friends and family would go into a blind panic, assuming I was incapable of losing weight without becoming an anorexic. Magaines and TV told me that being "curvy" was "beautiful", and hinted strongly that people who wanted to be thinner were ALWAYS image-obsessed, mentally ill or shallow twats.

I lost nearly four stone, despite all that, and while that's not a great deal, I've never felt happier, more attractive, or HEALTHIER. I really do feel like I've added to my life expectancy. I'm now a good weight for my height, and no matter what anyone says, that state IS superior to being overweight.

Stop jumping at the throat of people who suggest they don't feel comfortable with obese people. Would you act that way if someone said they were uncomfortable with a smoker? Not the same, but similar in some ways.

Lulumama · 07/03/2011 10:12

I think you need to work through your issues about weight/body image etc if the bride being a few pounds overweight ruined your day

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:13

Hully,

Of course I would never say this to the couple and any of her friends, and the wedding was fun.

(when I said she wasn't fat, what I mean by that is that would probably be better described as morbidly obese)

OP posts:
Lulumama · 07/03/2011 10:13

sorry misread what you'd put, that she's more than a few pounds overweight. but everything else stands

if you think fat people are unloveable , or less worth of love, that's your thing to deal with

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:13

Good for you Bacchus- why does that mean someone has the right to wonder why another person loves someone due to their shape/size? Please tell me?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 07/03/2011 10:15

Woah, I missed that point completely.

Yeah, the issue of love is unreasonable to bring into the equation, agreed.

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:17

Turn it on its head- would it be okay to think like this about a disabled person 'how can he love someone with no legs' or someone with a disfigurement 'how can he love someone with a glass eye' and see how unreasonable it is. WHY is it okay to think badly of people because they are overweight? It really is the last taboo. No being fat isnt healthy, but that doesnt mean fat people are worthless pieces of shit on your shoe deserving of your scorn/pity/ridicule

cantspel · 07/03/2011 10:17

He could well have had a thing for fat women as i once knew a bloke who was so good looking he was greek godlike and he married a VERY large woman and admitted it was the fat that turned him on. A couple of times she tried to lose a bit of weight but he ensured she never got below a size 26. he was a feeder. i often wonder if they are still together.

mmsmum · 07/03/2011 10:17

I like Inpraiseofbacchus' post

I don't think I would have spent my day thinking about her obesity, but yes I would have noticed it and don't believe for one minute that all these other posters would have gone to that wedding and not noticed her size! If she is really that big I would have been thinking about her fitting down the aisle etc

I guess it's just not popular to discuss it, like it might be something said behind someones back in a bitchy sort of way

nethunsreject · 07/03/2011 10:18

It's the love bit I don't get.

Not U to wonder about someone's size quietly to yourself if they are at either extereme of weight. But to question their 'lovableness'?! Wtf.

Pancakeflipper · 07/03/2011 10:18

I am confused.
I thought your initial post was that the groom couldn't love her cos she's fat. End of.

But I think I'm not reading it right so apologies.

Was it her dress that was not suitable for her
Or was it the fact she is morbidly obese?

Did you think critical thoughts of who could love that?
Or were you concerned of her future health? That she might look at her photos later with a twinge of " wish I'd been slimmer.."
I dont know one bride who hasn't slimmed a little for their dress.

Skiboo · 07/03/2011 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sparkle12mar08 · 07/03/2011 10:19

Do you really not have the wits or the intelligence to keep such disgraceful thoughts to yourself? Honestly? In which case by sharing here you've shown yourself to be not just bigotted but dumb to boot. Go crawl back under the rock love...

Lulumama · 07/03/2011 10:19

I think that there is an issue with the OP that she felt it dominated her day and that was what she takes away as her abiding memory of the wedding.

being morbidly obese is not healthy and not idea. however the lady in question was getting married, clearly soemoen loves her, even if the OP can't get her head around that

Shirleywhirly · 07/03/2011 10:19

The love comment was clearly ill thought out but I do KWYM about observing other people's size.

I would think it a bit of a shame she was so big a because of the health and lifestyle implications. I think that being a healthy size and weight is enormously important for many reasons but I also accept other people don't place such a priority on that.

From a personal perspective, I have never and would never find a very fat man attractive and DH feels the same about very fat women. But everyone is different.

I hope they have a long and happy marriage and , who knows, his love and support might help her make the lifestyle changes .

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:20

Gemsy, I can't speak for others here, and I don't know whether the bride had a medical condition, but the distinction usually introduced between being disabled and one's weight is that one is seen as being completely out of one's control

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 07/03/2011 10:21

Why is he marrying her? Seriously? 1) maybe he loves her 2) maybe he fancies her 3) maybe fat people are not as disgusting to everyone as they seem to be to you 4) maybe being fat doesn't make you unlovable or unfanciable 5) maybe you are a complete cow?

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:21

Well I never used to be fat. I always wondered how the hell people got fat. Then it happened to me. And I realised I actually have the same heart (although covered in cholesterol) and feelings as though I used to sneer at and find revolting.

Lizzylou · 07/03/2011 10:24

So why did you feel so bad?
Because of your feelings towards the Bride's size?
Or because the groom was marrying an obese woman?

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:24

So because being fat is someones own fault its okay to think they dont deserve to be loved? They deserve to have nasty thoughts directed at them? They deserve scorn off others because after all people are only thinking of them Hmm

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:24

Sparkle,

Let's face it, I'm anonymous here - I did keep these thoughts to myself in RL, I'm no saint, but I suppose you wouldn't notice if someone is morbidly obese.

I accept the love comment was unfair, and I agree, we're all attracted to different things.

OP posts:
JenniPenni · 07/03/2011 10:24

I am shocked and saddened to think that people still think like this :(

SO what id the bride is fat/thin/has pink hair or a hairy mole on her chin!!!??? She's getting married... this is an important day for her and her groom. Be happy for her!

I am clinically obese, had wls surgery last year actually... which has literally been a lifesaver. My weight literally doubled due to steroid use (severe respiratory probs I've had for years). I have suffered MUCH judgement since living in England, from total strangers even :(

I am happily married to a man who (thankfully!) just loves me for me. And those that I hold dear to me - friends and family - know how I have struggled medically and with my weight and are a huge support.

Having said this, even if she has an eating problem (due to depression/grief over losing a child/no will power etc.), this is HER problem, and I can tell you she is definitely aware of it.. and attitudes like yours only makes things worse for those who live like this. Being obese in today's judgemental society ain't fun!

I would even go on to say, having seen your obsession with her weight on the day, that this is YOUR problem, about your own insecurities about your own size/body shape in some way perhaps?

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:25

You sound a bit jealous tbh- are you cross because she isnt your ideal of perfect looking yet she has someone who loves and wants to marry her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 10:26

I actually think that some people seeing any couple together who are slim/fat, able bodied/disabled, very short/very tall, might wonder what one sees in the other. It's possibly a fleeting thought and the sensible keep it to themselves.

It's human nature to find fault with others... you only have to look at the posts on MN as an example to see that. People are judgemental. Shrugs...

Shirleywhirly · 07/03/2011 10:26

Let's be honest.

Who hasn't sometimes looked at a couple and thought, " What's he/she doing with him/her?"

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