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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:
timedothwasteme · 07/03/2011 23:33

Morloth said quite a few pages ago can we have a picture of the OP so we can all pick holes in her appearance, see how she likes it - has that been organised yet cos if so I'm up for it Grin

LDNmummy · 07/03/2011 23:34

My first ever Biscuit

I'm not completely sure of the significance of the Biscuit but I somehow get the idea that it is quite apt for this post Grin

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 23:41

The significance is so we can throw the Biscuit's at the fattys, then laugh at them and obsess whether anyone could possibly love them or worse still SHAG them Shock

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2011 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merryberry · 07/03/2011 23:45

ah Biscuit is a good pic of brain death
ta

iscream · 08/03/2011 00:29

Ever seen Shallow Hal?

glitteryturd · 08/03/2011 02:52

I am morbidly obese but I am also gorgeous.

How do I know I am gorgeous? I am told every single day and not just by my husband but a string of admirers too.

I have always been big and never short of partners. I have also been a plus size model and worked in porn.

Because when I smile you don't see my size, you see my smile.

It took me a long time to accept myself because there is always someone like you desperate to point out flaws. Well lady, I am over people like you because I know without question, I am far more beautiful than you will ever be!

And before people get judgy, my weight is caused by medication. If I can deal with it, so can you so jog on!

YunoYurbubson · 08/03/2011 04:20

OP you might be like my mum. She genuinely believes that fat people are worth less than thin people. She is overweight herself :( I remember her getting very cross / upset once when watching the Vicar of Dibley because "That lovely chap would never want to be with Dawn French, she's so fat". I pointed out that she was also gorgeous and the Gerry character was funny, witty, sharp, intellegent, great fun, sexy etc etc etc. My mother looked at me blankly - she simply could not see anything but fat.

My MiL is a bit different - she is one of those weight obsessed thin women who sneer at fat people.

YunoYurbubson · 08/03/2011 04:23

"Every woman wants to look gorgeous on her wedding day"

I didn't :)

I wore an old pair of cords and had my hair in a ponytail.

MadamDeathstare · 08/03/2011 04:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 08/03/2011 04:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welshbyrd · 08/03/2011 07:27

I was a large bride, last year, yes my husband loves me, and I have to say, I looked bloody gorgeous on the day Blush

Longtalljosie · 08/03/2011 07:40

Boris - no they won't. You'll be surrounded by people who love you.

Florence - no-one's trying to stop you from thinking ugly things but they're not inside your head any more, they're all over the internet.

You can't help thinking what you're thinking but you can help whether you publish them or not. Look at Boris's post - your thread has affected a real person.

What, seriously, has bride's weight got to do with any of us? People can bleat about the NHS and extra cash but I can't imagine anyone suggesting someone is unworthy of love because they smoke.

LIZS · 08/03/2011 07:45

You weren't marrying her so why does it matter ? tbh I'm wondering why you accepted the invitation if you have issues over the couple Confused

JaneS · 08/03/2011 07:46

I have to say, when I read the OP I did immediately think 'oh yes, me too'. Not because I think fat people are any less loveable. But there's some serious head-in-sand responses here. Yes, fat doesn't make someone a different person, or less deserving of love, or less likely to be attractive. But it does matter. My auntie is morbidly obese and honestly, it's not as if we all enjoy knowing that she's living on borrowed time. There's a point at which I'd liken it to seeing an alcoholic drink him/herself to death or a smoker getting through packets - yes, it's their choice, but yes, you know they are killing themselves.

It's trivializing this to pretend being fat is just pleasant choice some of us make because we're sexy broadminded ladies.

So, I hope and believe I wouldn't be wondering why the groom loved someone morbidly obese, but I would be wondering about their marriage. My uncle just announced he is separating from his wife after 30-plus years - she will now need a carer because she can barely walk, btw. It is not a cosmetic issue.

Gemsy83 · 08/03/2011 07:50

But the OP knows zero about the bride in order to judge- she may have already lost several stones, she may be on the list for a gastric band op, she may shockingly be fat and happy and not give a hoot about the health implications, just as millions in the world who smoke/drink and indulge in risky sports/activities do yet dont get such ire levelled at them. Its weird.

JaneS · 08/03/2011 08:04

I think people who smoke/drink to dangerous levels get a far worse response! I've noticed people are far more judgmental about heaving smoking or drinking than about morbid obesity, and I don't understand why some people who're themselves overweight but not morbidly obese feel attacked. It's not the same thing.

The bride almost certainly is fat and happy, and she quite possibly doesn't give a hoot about the health implications. But if so, she is very fortunate that she hasn't yet become incapacitated. I've had people say that I shouldn't worry about my aunt now she is getting divorced because she is probably 'fat and happy'. Well, no. She's fat, and it impacts on virtually every area of her life. She can barely walk, she is on about five kinds of medication, and she can't travel on public transport because she doesn't physically fit.

It is horrible for her and I think people on this thread are mostly brushing off these kinds of serious implications in a way they wouldn't for any other kind of health issue of this gravity.

If I said I knew someone who'd been given a few years to live 20 years ago, who couldn't walk much and got out of breath at the effort of standing up, you'd be sympathetic and concerned: if I say she's fat and this is the reason, everyone rushes to ignore the problem and paint it as a happy choice.

Shirleywhirly · 08/03/2011 08:08

A couple of my friends are morbidly obese.

Their boyfriends/husbands like the way they look. In fact they find larger women more attractive than skinny women.

Do you not find anything worrying about those two statements together?

I can't imagine wanting someone you love to be " morbidly obese". Morbidly. Risk of death obese.

Yes, you love people regardless of size but you really wouldn't want them to be such a size that it endangered their health and possibly their life.

JaneS · 08/03/2011 08:12

Agree, Shirley.

I assume it's not meant to sound this way, but to me, those boyfriends (if they really say this), are actually saying they prefer their girlfriends to be at risk of dying, because they find it attractive.

I know attraction is often physical, but I'm a bit shocked at people who're so shallow they'd value physical appearance over health.

Shirleywhirly · 08/03/2011 08:17

I have also read about situations where women have lost substantial amounts of weight and their husbands don't like it as they are rather inadequate individuals who fear other men will be attracted to their wives. When they are fat this doesn't occur to them.

Feeders, no?

spongefingerssavedmylife · 08/03/2011 08:23

Hello OP - haven't read whole thread but YANBU. I would have felt the same, most people would have been thinking it but no one would mention. ANd riduculous to flame someone for thoughts! I think most flamers are just band wagon - jumpers and also deluding themselves.

Whenever I see someone really massive I always wonder how they can be like that when they must know how unhealthy it is. And whatever people say it's not a good luck.

Personally I think slightly overwheight looks better than slightly underwheight, but morbidly obese is NOT GOOD! The clue is in the word 'morbidly'. If you ar emorbidly obese and reading this thinking I am being a meany, I'm not I'm saying the truth.

TrillianAstra · 08/03/2011 08:30

Here comes the bride, all fat and wide.

Shirleywhirly · 08/03/2011 08:44

Life just must be so much more difficult if you are that huge. Simply walking would be an effort and out of breath.

I would certainly wonder about the quality of life of someone very, very big.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/03/2011 08:49

spongefingers, no-one is saying that being morbidly obese is a good thing

being morbidly obese = unlovable is the issue that OP is wrestling with, are you wrestling with this also? you say most people would agree, I find this astonishing

Onetoomanycornettos · 08/03/2011 09:04

I wouldn't assume the groom likes her weight, he may or he may be very worried about it, but love her anyway.

My husband is obese now, he wasn't when we met, and I don't personally like it for him, as he has multiple health problems associated with stroke/heart disease, as well as not looking as fit as he did. But I've also piled on a few pounds, and I'm pretty sure he still loves me.

So, YANBU to let a thought flit through your head 'gosh, she's a big girl' just as my friends probably think 'Onetoomanycornettos has been living up to her name lately, she's piled it on a bit' but once that thought had flitted through your head, it is a bit bizarre for it to become the focus of your day, just as I hope my friends are not focused on my weight gain when they see me for hours on end when we are chatting about the world and his wife.

I don't think you need make this a 'fat= happy' type debate, some very obese people may be fat and sexy, but I'm pretty sure most would rather be thinner. But love is so much more than about external appearances and those good looks do turn into wrinkles if you stick around long enough. If you haven't worked that out by now, then you have a rather limited perspective.