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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:

ChorltonChick · 07/03/2011 14:29

I think rubyrubyruby has hit the nail on the head.

Original poster

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 14:31

Tyra,

It's a combination of, on one hand, feeling bad that I did think uncharitable thoughts, and on the other hand, understanding that these thoughts are to me (and I suspect quite a lot of other people) fairly natural

OP posts:

Gissabreak · 07/03/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BorisTheBold · 07/03/2011 14:34

Crap - now I know what the guests at my wedding in 11 weeks will be thinking .

Personally, I would hope (since they are friends and family) that they will be thinking "it's about bloody time" especially since dp and I have been together for fourteen years and have three kids (none of which I've managed to "turn fat" (as yet...).

Debs75 · 07/03/2011 14:35

Fat people are never taken seriouly are they.

So what if she was overweight, morbidly or not. They love each other and are showing their commitment and getting married.

What would you of said if he was the obese one or if she was dangerously underweight?

controlpantsandgladrags · 07/03/2011 14:37

Don't want to read the rest of the thread. Just wanted to say YANBU......fat people are not allowed to be loved and should never be happy.

Original poster

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 14:38

If he were morbidly obese, I'd probably have thought something similar. If she were anorexic, I'd have thought there were problems

OP posts:

Original poster

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 14:38

Controlpants, we might just have to disagree then

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 14:52

It's nothing to do with vultures and bitchy comments. Comments and attitudes like this hurt people, they really do. They're the reason I hate leaving the house so much. They're the reason that I shook all the way to work on the train today (I usually drive). They're the reason I hate walking, not because I can't but because I think people will be watching and making comments about the fat cow walking past. Yes, I could lose weight, (damn, why didn't I think of that, it's so simple) but that wouldn't cure the way I feel inside. I've lost weight in the past, got down to a size 10 from a 20 and I didn't feel any better. I had already decided I was worthless.

Now for someone to admit that they thought that you couldn't possibly love a fat person and to seem to be getting some supporters proves that I'm right. Fat = worthless.

microserf · 07/03/2011 14:54

hmm, OP, your post brought back a very bad memory.

i was a bridesmaid for a close friend. she is lovely, but her mum can be appalling.

friend's mum and i were at a wedding dress shop watching all the brides trying on the dresses and there was a very large girl trying on her dress. pretty girl, and the dress looked as if it would suit her.

friend's mum announces to me in very audible stage whisper her view that the girl is far too fat for that dress or indeed any wedding dress. this insight brings conversation in the shop to a standstill. oblivious to the chill entering the room, she then turns around, slaps a big fake smile on her face and tells the bride's mother she must be so proud of her beautiful daughter. they looked mortified, and said nothing.

i am so ashamed to this day i didn't tell her to shut the hell up. i was so embarrassed and couldn't think what could possibly be said to make it right. yes, i still feel bad about it to this day, and quite some time has passed.

just to add then, that some people don't just think these things, they say them. and that is much worse.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 15:12

GwendolineMaryLacey... Now for someone to admit that they thought that you couldn't possibly love a fat person and to seem to be getting some supporters proves that I'm right. Fat = worthless.

I don't think anybody's saying that or supporting it either, least of all the OP. She pondered it and has said that it's her own failing. She's not laughing about it or heckling.

Anything about weight issues is painful for some people. It doesn't mean that you have to take the views on board yourself and if YOU think that fat=worthless then perhaps YOU need to work on that so you stop thinking it. Nevermind what anybody else says or thinks. Only your opinion matters about yourself and don't let anybody else's opinion attach itself to you.

I haven't actually seen anybody here say that fat=worthless... they haven't. The only people in RL who seem to say it are the ones who say it against themselves, not other people.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 16:07

Oh don't get me wrong, I know that the issues are with me and I know who is responsible for my weight gain. I'm not trying to pass the buck on that, I and I alone control what goes in my fat gob mouth. But it's hard to convince yourself that other people's opinions don't matter and that people aren't thinking badly of you when you read what some people really do think and that they feel quite justified in holding those opinions.

It also makes me very sad that someone would question whether a person is lovable and at their wedding of all places.

bupcakesandcunting · 07/03/2011 16:13

YANBU to think about her size i.e "she's big", "I bet she can shit" etc etc, you know? All of the lovely stuff that people think about fat people.

YABU to wonder why the groom loves/married her. Maybe groom was looking at you wondering what your DP sees in you?

Lonnie · 07/03/2011 17:58

Ive read up to page 3 and I just want to throw in a comment here..

Some people (male and female) are more attracted to obese people/largere people " you know the whole BBW There is a chance that is how they got together..

I would very much hope they are getting married becausae they love each other.

victoriascrumptious · 07/03/2011 18:06

Loads of men are heavily into chubsters. Look how many zillions of pay per view sites there are out there

Kewcumber · 07/03/2011 18:08

"It's a combination of, on one hand, feeling bad that I did think uncharitable thoughts, and on the other hand, understanding that these thoughts are to me (and I suspect quite a lot of other people) fairly natural"

but they arent "natural" thoughts, they are cultural (as some people have explained. In fact it is "natural" for 10-20% of women to be "naturally" obese due to genetic reasons like polysystic ovaries. Such women tend to start ovulating during famines when teh rest of women in the community tend to stop. Its natures way of ensuring the survival of the community and presumably why there are a proportion of men who are "naturally" attracted to fatter women.

I don;t think it is healthy to be overweight whatever your age but I do think you can challenge why your reaction was so string - in your own words - "I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony".

I'm sure you can see that this preoccupation is not the norm? I don't understand why it took on such an importance to you.

new2cm · 07/03/2011 18:15

YABU.

No doubt some people would notice (and maybe think something) her size but the "why is he (not her presumably) marrying her?", "does he really love her?" parts of your post - well, what can I say? Have my second .

jenniec79 · 07/03/2011 18:24

Dress size doesn't correlate that well with BMI - I'm a 10, but have a BMI of 28 so well into Overweight on the charts. (I lost 6stone last year so I get the fat thing too - and I think that sort of thing about me in old pics these days!)

crystalglasses · 07/03/2011 18:37

I would also think something about her size but on the lines of how lovely that she is loved despite her size.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 18:48

crystalglasses... but that can sound a bit patronising when there are some truly gorgeous larger ladies. Dawn French is oft quoted; I don't know what she's done lately, maybe it's her hair but she used to be really good looking.

Size really doesn't equate to being loved or not. There are plenty of normal sized singletons as well as larger people.

Some people are good looking regardless of their size - Fern Britton is a good example - pretty then and pretty now. Others don't look so good whatever their size, example - Vanessa Feltz - average then and average now. Those are just my opinions to illustrate the point I'm making... because, say it with me everyone.... BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER!

Original poster

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 18:50

"I'm sure you can see that this preoccupation is not the norm? I don't understand why it took on such an importance to you."

I'm not sure. This will make me sound very judgey pants, but to be honest, I don't know very many very obese people, and I've not come a lot into contact someone so large before. An element of it is maybe shock.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 07/03/2011 18:51

All brides are beautiful FACT (even the morbidly obese ones ).

OP it's the "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?" comment that gets me...

foreverondiet · 07/03/2011 18:57

I discussed this with DH recently. We had a friend round for lunch. She used to be 18 stone but lost half her weight. She now has a boyfriend after being single for years and years whilst overweight.

Anyway DH thought fatness should ring alarm bells in terms of things like - would this woman not drop dead of a heart attack, does she have no self control or will power, will she be able to have children.

FWIW I see where the OP is coming from. Of course overweight people allowed to be happy and find love, and of course great that groom loves her despite her weight BUT I would think similar along the lines of "why doesn't she have the willpower to do something about her weight". I say this as someone who put on too much weight in pregnancy and has just spend the last 5 months being really really careful so I loose it.

RunAwayWife · 07/03/2011 19:10

Maybe he is marrying her because she is a lovely, smart, funny, caring person who is fun to be with and excepts people for who they are and not what size dress they wear!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 19:19

My beloved little niece is showing signs of putting on weight. She's 5, a large frame and she's going to be very tall. Her mother is already telling her that potatoes are bad yet still giving her cake to eat and whatever she (the mother) feels like eating at the time. :(

I think some parents really don't realise the impact of food issues at a young age, how important it is to give their children a healthy attitude to food yet still keep a weather eye on their physique.

I know there are several threads about this issue at the moment and I don't want to dwell on it. The point I wanted to make was that it's obviously so much easier to be aware and keep it off than put it on and have to take it off later.

Every woman wants to look gorgeous on her wedding day and she'll probably be her own worst critic. I know that there is a school of thought that you can be fat and happy but I think there's a point at which that's more difficult. I was discussing this with a GP friend of mine who has patients in all the time asking advice on weight and he said he hears the 'fat and happy' point made many times yet some patients have terrible health problems exacerbated by weight. This sounds very harsh but he said he's told some of his patients to lose weight and buy a 'fat-suit'. I know it sounds a bit odd.

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