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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:27

Certainly not jealous, I'm happily married, I suppose being healthy is important to me

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 07/03/2011 10:27

OP - I'd notice alright and I might even judge in the privacy of my own head. I'm no saint. But I sure as hell wouldn't share it on an internet forum...

UrsulaBuffay · 07/03/2011 10:28

You sound like a right horrible bitch and while the bride is basking in the honeymoon glow of her wedding you are whining on here. What does that tell you?

Skiboo · 07/03/2011 10:28

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Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:29

A fleeting thought is very different to 'its all I could think about..' do you not think? And normally when you BOTHER to get to know that person you then think 'aww they are lovely- they love each other and are very happy'
Sour grapes maybe- is the groom an ex of yours per chance?

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:30

Being healthy is important to you- great! But to obsess over what other people look like to the extent of thinking someone doesnt deserve to be loved because of their size is just barking.

Skiboo · 07/03/2011 10:30

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fifitot · 07/03/2011 10:31

Why post this? Surely it's one of those things you keep to yourself!

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:31

I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

Goes a bit further than a fleeting 'what does he see in her?' and being concerned about someones health and crosses the border of being plain weird/bitchy

YourCallIsImportant · 07/03/2011 10:32

OP, you're probably not the only person who would have thought that in the church (or wherever the wedding was held).

The OP also said she recognises that it was 'sizeist' and that she felt guilty about it so I don't think she needs a public flogging.

Reading this thread, I'm guessing you've never had a judgy moment. Glass houses and stones anyone?

I can't walk through a supermarket without thinking 'WTF is she wearing?' or 'have you no mirrors in your house?' or having judgy thoughts about the contents of some people's trolleys.

I can understand the flaming if the OP had shouted 'oh look at the fat bride' in the church, but she didn't. She thought it, and last I heard, that wasn't actually a crime. Neither is admitting in an internet forum that you thought someone was fat.

BluddyMoFo · 07/03/2011 10:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 07/03/2011 10:33

I still don't understand why you felt so bad?

If it was because you were ashamed of your feelings towards the bride's size that consumed you so much throughout a day where they'd invited you to celebrate their marriage then I could have some sympathy.

But you just seem to feel bad that the groom had somehow got lumbered with an obese wife, which is amazing shallow and infantile.

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:35

Ursula,

What it says about me is ... "I'm not on honeymoon".

Sparkle,

We might agree to disagree, but an internet forum is anonymous. You don't know me from Adam

Maybe it was too strongly worded, I didn't spend all the time thinking about it, but equally I didn't just go "crikey, she's big" and that was it.

Gemsy, the groom's a (not particularly close) cousin (so no worries on the ex front)

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:35

Have you actually read the OP Yourcall? Saying it affected how a guest felt about the speeches/wondering if/how the groom could love her is a hell of a lot more than thinking someone is fat. It reeks of bitterness tbh and thats far more unattractive than a fat person!

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:36

Bluddy, I'm married

OP posts:
ThisFeelsWeird · 07/03/2011 10:36

YABU to question why he loves her, but YANBU to find it strange that he fancies her - don't we all look at couples from time to time and think "I wonder what he/she sees in her/him?" Letting it dominate your thoughts all day is a bit weird though.

Even weirder to post here when you know exactly what people are going to say...

plantsitter · 07/03/2011 10:38

I love the way these threads always turn into people talking about being worried about fat people's 'health'.

My (enormous, truth be told) arse.

YANBU to feel bad; I expect the bride had a teary conversation with her groom before the wedding, saying 'but everybody will be looking at me and thinking how could someone love that' and the groom will have replied 'don't be ridiculous'.

And she was right! I hope she didn't pick up on it.

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 10:38

Thisfeelsweird,

I think in a way, I quite like the idea of a public flogging. As I said, I felt pretty bad to have thought it, so really I should thank the nasty commenters!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 10:41

I don't think the OP sounds bitter at all, just thought 'out loud' on here and other people are making assumptions.

There are been far worse threads where posters have come on to report that they've verbally hurt or even destroyed people and they get an easier ride than the OP.

I can only assume that this is because OP has posted a thread about weight issues. A subject close to many womens' hearts and inflammatory because of that.

Why call the OP names? She has said that she didn't mention anything at the wedding so the couple are completely oblivious. I don't understand the vitriol here.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2011 10:41

its perfectly natural to see anyone who doesn't confrm to society's view of what is atractive and judge it (sadly). Whether she is obese because it is out of her control or because she is greedy or because she likes it is really not relevant as its none of your business and other than a quick "ooh I wonder what attracted him to her" passing thought I wouldn't expect most people to have much interest.

You feel guilty because you know it was a mean thing to think and I would question why it dominated your thoughts so much. Many people would judge but most I suspect very briefly and would get back to drinking.

Why is it on your mind so much that not only did it dominate your feelings about the wedding but it was still enough on your mind to start a thread about it two days later?

Nancy66 · 07/03/2011 10:42

OP - what dress size would you say the bride was?

Morbidly obese would indicated to me a size 26 plus.

that is an unhealthy weight to be. her health will be compromised.

...and everybody else in the room would have been thinking that too. Same as if she was 6 stone

YouLittlePiggy · 07/03/2011 10:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2011 10:42

If your childrne were to become obese would you not love them any more?

FabbyChic · 07/03/2011 10:44

I'd have been wondering how the fuck they had sex if she was that big, or how gross she must look naked.

Sorry but there is no excuse for being humungous or morbidly obese.

The old chestnut thyroid comes to mind, but mine is underactive and I'm not fat. Just a stone overweight.

DaisyDaresYOU · 07/03/2011 10:46

My dp thinks like this when big women are on tv.I kindly remind him his ex wife was no slim jim so the man must of loved something about her.I notice alot of the men are like it here and I dnt share those views.I went out with someone who was no oil painting bit on the big side but he treated me very well and made me laugh.Maybe that why the groom loves the bride.Personality shines through.