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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have felt so bad at a wedding

228 replies

FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 09:57

Ok, I was at a wedding this weekend, and the setting and everything was lovely. However, throughout the wedding, I couldn't help thinking about the size of the bride and it affected every speech, how I felt about the ceremony.

The bride is fair to say, not just a few pounds overweight, but massively obese, possibly morbidly so, and it was all I could think about. She seemed a nice person (I don't know her that well), but I couldn't help think "why is her marrying her?", "does he really love her?"

I know we're all different shapes and sizes, and I'm not Angelina Jolie. I know this is terribly sizeist, and I felt so guilty that her size so dominated my thoughts.

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:48

People are generally allowed to have nasty judgemental thoughts and opinions about overweight people that they aren't about other people in society. For instance if I posted a thread saying I know someone who married an asian and I wondered how they could love them I would quite rightly be branded a bigot. But size is fair game, because people are greedy and slovenly and its their fault. Judgements galore, all okay because someone is fat.

TattyDevine · 07/03/2011 10:50

I think an averaged height woman goes from being Obese to Morbidly obese around the 16/17 stone mark, if I recall. So probably Size 20 rather than above a Size 26.

Many Size 16's are obese or borderline obese.

JenniPenni · 07/03/2011 10:50

'Sorry but there is no excuse for being humungous or morbidly obese.'

Sorry Fabby, have to disagree... read my earlier post. I can assure you reality is different to what you think.

JenniPenni · 07/03/2011 10:51

Tatty, that is more correct (re size). I am size 22 and am morbidly obese.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2011 10:52

"Sorry but there is no excuse for being humungous or morbidly obese" - she wasn't making any excuses, she was getting married. None of the OP's business whether she is thin or fat or healthy or unhealthy.

Until you are prepared to staple a list of all yoru failings to your forehead and have them publically discussed then I don't see that its reasonable to discuss others. I accept however that it is accepted in our society to do that - doesn;t mean I find it a pleasant way to behave.

And there are plenty of medical reasons for puting on weight - if low thyroid doesn't do it for you try taking a very high dose steroid for months on end and remove the ability to exercise. That does the trick nicely.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 10:53

Why shouldn't the OP have posted here? Go read the haunted baked beans thread if you prefer... stop tellng people what they can and can't post. Hmm

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:54

There may in your eyes be no excuse, but she is what she is, its not illegal, its not harming anybody elses health so why does someone deserve to be thought of as a lesser human being? Because they do not conform to your ideal? I really don't get it.

Gemsy83 · 07/03/2011 10:54

She can Lying- as people can tell her what they think of her 'thoughts' Hmm

Morloth · 07/03/2011 10:58

How about you post a photo of yourself and we can all comment on your faults and try to figure out how anyone could possibly love and have wanted to marry you?

All anonmynous of course, wouldn't want anyone's feelings getting hurt.

lilyberry · 07/03/2011 10:59

Well, thanks for making me feel like shit. I was going to eat some fucking toast, but if I want my DP to love me I'd better fucking not, eh?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 11:03

Bonkers comments... and I've just put my effervescent tablet in my tea instead of my water. Confused

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 11:03

"Until you are prepared to staple a list of all yoru failings to your forehead and have them publically discussed then I don't see that its reasonable to discuss others"

Isn't this thread quite clearly about my own failings rather than those of the obese bride?

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 07/03/2011 11:08

It may surprise you, but quite alot of men actually fancy fat women. Clearly her now DH not only fancies her but loves her too.

I could understand you worrying about the state of her health, but worrying about how your distant cousin could possible fancy/marry herHmm

CoffeeGoneColdAgain · 07/03/2011 11:09

Seriously? Oh my days. What a horrid nasty piece of work you are! Surprised you have any rl friends with a shitty attitude like that OP! Biscuit

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 11:13

Coffee, I can't believe you would be so nasty, you must struggle for friends Grin

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 07/03/2011 11:17

OP, are you one of those desperately dull people that is forever watching what they eat, never drinks and bores other people talking about their health choices? Yaaaaaaaawn.

Original poster
FlorencesMachine · 07/03/2011 11:18

Hammy, far from it, are you?

OP posts:
ThisFeelsWeird · 07/03/2011 11:19

Remember OP, you are not allowed to have opinions on weight issues on MN. You can slag off gypsies, call names starting with a "K" chavvy and working mothers heartless, but mention that being fat is less than a good thing and you will be slaughtered.

I do wonder if everyone is reading the OP correctly, or scanning it and gleaning "I hate fatties, no-one could love a fatty, fatties must die". She is actually more troubled by her own prejudice than by the bride's appearance in a strapless gown.

Hammy02 · 07/03/2011 11:23

Nope. Used to work with someone like that though and she had real issues with fat people. I didn't mean to be as offensive as I may have come across. Apologies for that. I just think its a shame that you focused on a bride's weight during their wedding day. If her husband married her, her weight mustn't be an issue for him.

rubyrubyruby · 07/03/2011 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PepsiPopcorn · 07/03/2011 11:27
Biscuit
charitygirl · 07/03/2011 11:28

If you really feel guilty abouit it, perhaps do a little bit of reading about fat acceptance/size acceptance online. It has really helped me to see - health matters aside - how conditioned we are to see fat as a moral issue which somehow says something about a person's intelligence, personality, or worth.

When it really doesn't. The archives of
kateharding.net/category/fat/
are a great place to look.

BlessedAssurance · 07/03/2011 11:38

OP, i am not going to judge your thoughts because at some point i have thought'is she wearing that? but i can say one thing, i am an African and African men love big women, i mean huge women because to them that is a real woman, i couldn't find a man to marry me back home with my size 6 figure because to them i just looked ill,but as soon as i set my feet in europe, i was swimming in menpool, love, contrary to what others might believe goes where it wants, and being skinny or obese has nothing to do with it, we all like different things,not all obese adults were obese babies, this man might have known her from before when she was a skinny girl and fell in love with her,should he then not marry her because she is overweight? we don't know.Thats why there is something called unconditional love i guess,

BlessedAssurance · 07/03/2011 11:43

i have also had many arguments with my brothers regarding size, it meant i was not a real women because i was skinny and they just keep saying shite. I wonder also OP what would have been said if you said she was way way skinny or anorexic.

Ormirian · 07/03/2011 11:47

You can't help random thoughts whilst sitting through the gentle tedium of a wedding ceremony. I have at times wondered about the hideous dress the bride had chosen to wear, the large mole on the side of the groom's nose, the fact the he was so much older than her, the horrible hat the bride's mother was wearing, the fact that the church was bloody freezing, and why don't they hurry up I'm hungry....

But I don;t think I have ever wondered whether they really loved each other. Why the fuck go to all the hassle and expense of a wedding if you don't love each other.