To send my 13 yr old to bed for 9:00pm?

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

To settle a debate between 'but Muuuuuuuuuuuum, no one else goes to be at that time' and me being a good mummy with loving concern for his health and wellbeing

It is irrelevant in the same way that hearing people who are yet to have kids bang on about what they would do in x,y, z situation is irrelevant.

As an aside, one of the key factors in how kids do at school is having a regular, structured bed time. Now some 13 year olds might be mature and capable enough to make that call themselves...but others may need some guidance in making the appropriate choice.

I can't see how one can conflate ensuring that your kid gets a decent nights kip with 'controlling' them or 'infantalising' them. Maybe me not 'letting' them make choices about smoking, drinking, drugs, school attendance, homework, sex is also controlling?

BTW, my teens are doing very well at school, are nice people and I have a very good relationship with them so I don't think that my controlling school night bed time ways are doing them any harm

I can't believe this is still going

I don't think anybody is suggesting that you cosh your 13 year old over the head and force them to sleep at nine. Many girls that age want some space and privacy as much as their parents do, and have no problem going up to their rooms at a certain point in the evening. If some families want their older kids sitting up with them until yon time, that's their business, and I'm not knocking them. Equally, it often suits everybody if they get a chance to have a bit of time to wind down on their own without sticking the whole night out en famille. Teenagers don't get to rule the roost- that's not infantilising them, it's showing them that consideration of everybody's needs are important, not just theirs.

How is spending time in the living room of your home "ruling the roost"?

I don't get that.

People wanting private wind down time/privacy, sure. But why must that involve anyone being told when to retire so other family members don't have to suffer their presence?

You don't really have to tell them, to be honest. My dd wants to go on her phone/potter round/whatever from about half eight or nine, so goes up of her own volition. Now that it's a habit, I can't see her insisting on taking up my sofa space...

Spidookly, when you have teenagers and are forced to listen to shit music, watch shit TV, listen to endless conversations about who said what to whom on the bus, have your every thought, word, deed dissected, listen to two teenage DD's bickering over clothes/anything and everything then you might, just might, not want to suffer their presence beyond 9pm on a work night when you have to be up at 6 the following morning in order to facilitate the cycle of shit music, shit TV etc....

My just turned 9 yr old finds it extremely difficult before 11pm most nights of the week.

For a 13 yr old to actually be lying down to sleep by 9pm is tricky I reckon.

Well vintage, my 14 year old is out cold by 9:30 at the latest, so it's different strokes for different folks.

She and her 13 year old sister have to be out of the house by 7:15 to get buses to school. They then have busy days at school (as I said earlier the 14 year old is doing her GCSE's), have to get buses home and then do homework. They are TIRED. They have a tiring schedule and (as I said earlier) there have been times when they have taken themselves to bed earlier than 9pm.

13 year olds are very different from 9 year olds. For a start off the pace of their lives is generally faster and more stressful, secondly they have hormones racing around.

My nearly 12 year old son never used to sleep when he was little kid...but since hitting puberty I can't get him out of bed.

my DB is 12 and goes to bed at 9, but he does sports after school almost every day, and has to be up quite early.

alistron1 You got to suffer The Biggest Loser too, huh? And the perpetual hum of 'Oh my god Alisha was like so unfair and like it's so really annoying like that she looked at me like that and it's so....'

We ought to be the ones wearing the expensive headphones.

I like Magicjamas idea of simply going to bed before them.

Surely it will largely depend on what time they have to get up in the morning? Mine need to be up at 0630 for a 0730 school bus. If they were not in bed at a reasonable hour, they wouldn't be able to get up on time. And would be foul. They do after school stuff as well, three nights a week and don't get home until 1800. Which is a long day, I think, by anyone's standards.

Do those of you who think that teenagers shouldn't have a regulated bedtime think that they should be allowed to get up when they like in the morning as well, even if it means missing all or part of the school day?

My 12 year old has to be in bed with the lights out at 2130 during the week. Otherwise she doesn't get enough sleep.

My nearly 13 year old is definitely a child. Maybe some very mature 13 year olds are not children. Mine is still a little boy in lots of ways - not because I have a bedtime for him but because of where he is in his natural maturation process. I was more mature at 13 (and had started periods etc, whereas he's still prepubescent) but I was still a child too.

Sure, he's growing up, and as part of that he has more responsibility and more time with us in the evenings when his little brother has gone to bed.

linerunner if 'are you hotter than your mother' was on earlier bed time would be at 7pm in my house.

Biggest Loser, Fat Families, Glee, Snog Marry Avoid, Americas Next Top Model, Teen Mom....and (oh jesus) MTV in general...

In fact, I am going to subject spidookly to the above, non stop, for a month in order to break her. And that's without the 'and, like, she looked at him and he said "so what" and it was like so unfair' stream of consciousness and the constant issues with mobile phones freezing, ipod touches not turning on, homework dramas and the bloody phone ringing every five minutes.

I'm bloody generous in demanding peace and quiet after 9pm. I'm sure if I went to the court of human rights they would impose a much earlier lockdown.

But BitofFun - that's different. It's not weird that she goes off to her room to do her own thing, listen to her own music etc.

But I think it would be weird if the rule was that she could only come out in an emergency, as was mentioned earlier.

Being downstairs doesn't mean inflicting your music or TV on others. You can learn to be considerate without making yourself scarce.

"Being downstairs doesn't mean inflicting your music or TV on others."

I hereby invite you round to my gaff of an evening. The teens don't just sit considerately mute whist I watch re runs of The Good Life. They 'have' to watch a load of shite every night.

And we (being all traditional) only have the one TV.

You try explaining to teenagers why they can't watch Waterloo Road. The UN would struggle.

Wow, we never got to dictate the programmes on the TV.

Our presence was suffered, but not our televisual preferences.

In those days you had to go out to the hall to take a phonecall. That's still the rule in my parents' house.

I am a very slack parent and my teens teenage stuff engulfs the whole house. Hence why on a school night they are shut away by 9pm.

And the tiredness thing. Teenagers are tricky enough, but tired teenagers are a whole other issue.

Sorry for saying your opinion was irrelevant earlier, I was feeling a bit cross.

I don't know why you're addressing yourself to me when my opinion is irrelevant.

I'm not going to offer suggestions on how to parent teenagers, I've no experience of that.

Having a rule about peace and quiet in the evening is not at all the same as a bedtime, and I stand by my assertion that 13 is too old to have a bedtime. If you can't work out for yourself at that age when to go to bed you'll be fucked when a tricky decision presents itself.

And whatever the UN might have to say about Waterloo Road, I'm sure the convention on the rights of the parent had a thing or two to say about Hotter Than My Mother.

I've just asked my kids about bedtimes, 2 of them (7 and nearly 12) said 9pm ... the other 2 (13 and 14) said 10pm...............because all the 'good' TV is on after 9pm.

DD2 told me that one of her friends is allowed to go to bed whenever she wants. She goes to bed at about 2am and catches up on her sleep on the bus to school.

Not read past the first page so bare with me. Dr Marc Weissbluth Who wrote Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child puts an average bedtime for 13 year old's at 21.30. 90% of 13 year olds will be in bed by 10pm.
Hope that helps.

Oh, and spidookly...I was addressing myself to you because despite finding you annoying I also find myself liking you - hence the apology.

It might be AIBU, but we should be civilised FFS.

Sorry x-posted :)

I now apologise for the 'FFS'

'if you can't work out for yourself at that age when to go to bed you'll be fucked when a tricky decision presents itself.'

On that I completely disagree Spidookly, my DS is lousy at self monitoring at bedtime, but after being assaulted last year made some very clear and adult decisions about how he wanted to proceed, re court, statements and whether to get involved with his assailants progress following the sentence.

He can travel independently and many other things but brush his teeth and have a bath? Only when there is blue snow if it was left to him to make the choice.

He is and will be a fine young man, but would be a tired, smelly one with bad teeth if he got to make all his choices.
I'd probably be labelled abusive if I let him leave the house smelling like the crumbs in a wotsit packet and a mouthful of fillings.

Yes alistron1, I can see why one example of a friend of your child's bedtime would draw an end to this discussion??

The OP asked if a 9pm bedtime for a 13 year old is appropriate. No IMO it is ridiculous to have a bedtime at this age let alone a 9pm one. Every friend I had that had these rigid routines at this age rebelled and failed to achieve their potential as a result!