To send my 13 yr old to bed for 9:00pm?

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

To settle a debate between 'but Muuuuuuuuuuuum, no one else goes to be at that time' and me being a good mummy with loving concern for his health and wellbeing

I don't generally have to even prompt dd, but if I do, she is quite obliging. She is extremely independent and self-sufficient- does her own laundry, travelled to Australia on her own recently etc, goes out with her friends all day Saturday...

She is mature enough to understand that I need my space too, and lets me have it without getting stroppy or feeling I am shutting her out.

I'm with you Golden.

I don't understand how someone who isn't allowed to decide their own bedtime at 13 will be ready to run their own life as an adult at 18.

To deny them such basic autonomy and run their life for them to that extent is quite controlling. Surely a young person 3 years off being able to get married should be more independent than an 8 year old?

Utterly bizarre and kind of hilarious.

Why should a teenager leave shared family space in their own home to give you privacy?

What's weird about a teenager going to bed later than their parents?

Is this a particularly English thing? I've never come across young people of this age still having a parent-imposed bedtime.

The thing is though, Spidookly, is that my 14 yr old does decide her own bedtime. I give her a nudge from time to time, but it just seems to be the way we do it for her to go to her own room before she is ready to sleep. I like to think that part of it i sensitivity to me and my needs, and part of it is so she can sit on her phone and gossip with her peers.

I completely agree with Spidookly.

Sending teenagers to their rooms at 8pm is weird.

My dd will be 13 in april and she goes to bed at 8:30 in the week and when i tell her on the weekend. Usually that is around 9pm. She is fine with this and has never protested, obviously if she said she didn't want to go to bed then we would need to discuss it.

Routine is very important in my house and all of my dc's stick to bedtime routines and times even on weekends

Citing the fact that they can get married at 16 is a bit of a red herring to be honest.

Because having given them the opportunity to make various choices, please tell me honestly how many of you would be seriously happy if your 16 year old, shortly after their 16th birthday announced that they/their girlfriend were pregnant and had decided to get married.

Apparently they are mature and adult enough, so you would accept it happily and relish preparing your precious, independent off springs wedding with as much gusto as you are so hopefully preparing them for University or the like?

I suspect my DD, who is 8, will make wiser choices than my DS, they are very different. But when my DS was assaulted, he needed me to be the adult, the parent, and that role continues into making decisions that might not be popular with him but are still very much in his best interests.

Will my DS be able to run his own life at 18? Hand on heart yes, he will. We talk about having a 'life tool kit' and I explain why and how we do things the way we do.
I can't help wondering spidookly if maybe you don't enjoy your children and are wishing for them to grow up far too soon?

I would be horrified if any child of mine wanted to get married at 16.

My point is not that teenagers should get married but that they are well on their way to being adults and need to be learning how to make decisions for themselves. Deciding when to go to bed seems a pretty basic kind of independence that should be well established by 13.

I'm not sure parenting decisions should be made based on how much you enjoy keeping your children as children. Your job is to help them learn to live independently, no matter how much you enjoy them.

My children are 2 and 1, so my perspective on this comes from my own experience as a teenager.

My 2 year old has her own bedside light, and she turns it off at night. She gets only half an hour or so leeway, but she's learning to decide for herself when it's time to sleep. I enjoy her enormously, but I still want her to grow up.

It's just you cite being able to get married at 16 as some sort of bench mark for choosing when to go to bed at 13, and yet it is really quite unthinkable that we would encourage any young adult to do so.

DS's age is sort of by the by here, I would be failing as a parent to let himn make a choice that impacted so strongly on his ability to function in one of the key areas of life that will make him rounded human being.

He doesn't self moderate. He would mostly stay up ridiculously late to the impediment of his schooling. So he obviously isn't yet able to handle that responsibility. Others he does.

He himself admits I am pretty laid back generally but I will continue to monitor and provide guidance over bedtime whilst it is needed.

As a matter of interest, he chooses NOT to help me at all around the house. NOTHING without being instructed or pushed, what do you suggest I do there? Respect that he is nearly old enough to get married and therefore not be 'controlling' in expecting him to contribute to the running of the house? Whilst letting him stay up as late as he likes?

"I don't understand how someone who isn't allowed to decide their own bedtime at 13 will be ready to run their own life as an adult at 18.

To deny them such basic autonomy and run their life for them to that extent is quite controlling. Surely a young person 3 years off being able to get married should be more independent than an 8 year old?

Utterly bizarre and kind of hilarious."

Well, my teens need an early bed time on a school night so that they are refreshed enough to travel across birmingham to their schools (on their own), manage their workloads (daughter number 1 doing gcse's so this is rather important) and have enough energy to socialise.

I think most people (whether they are kids or adults) who are getting up at 6am and have very busy days need to be tucked up in bed at a reasonable hour in order to function.

Ha ha ha spidookly - 2 and 1 ! Bet you feel differently when they are 13 and 14!

My ds is newly 12. His 'bedtime' is to be upstairs by 8.00, into bed by 8.30 for reading and lights out by 9. In reality I don't go and insist the lights go out unless it's coming on for 10. HIs alarm goes off at 7.15.
He needs his sleep and is miserable and grumpy if he doesn't get enough. I have let him stay up later on a school night, he simply can't get up when he needs too.

He protested his bed time in Yr 6 as all the dc in his class stayed up much later. During SATS tests we had a letter from his teacher suggesting all dc went to bed early for a week before and during the week of the SATS.

I asked his teacher about this as I felt his bed time was fine and couldn't believe that children were going to bed as late as 10 or 11pm at that age. She confirmed that most did and it was clear to her which they were as they were tired and didn't cope so well in class as a result.

He was doing scouts which finished at 9pm. It was a struggle for him but he refused to leave early 9didn't want to loose face). However since starting secondary he simply can't handle the lateness of it as he's getting up more than an hour earlier now so has chosen to drop it.

Given the chance he would be on his laptop all night long. Many a time I have insisted he heads upstairs while he tells me he's not tired. When I pop upstairs to check something not 10 mins later he complains he's too tired to talk and please let him sleep...

So OP I think you as a parent need to look at your situation, what you and your child need and not worry about what anyone else is doing.

I also believe that 'grownup' time for me downstairs is important. We have a small house and there is only 1 space downstairs which we share. The tv, computer, phone, music, homework etc is all in this space. I work and pick ds up from school so am with him from 3.30 pm till he goes upstairs in the evening.
While I am on my computer (like now) I am also having to endure the tv, him chatting away, the radio is on (for me). His choice of tv is also largely cbbc which bores me to tears frankly.
I don't think it's too much to ask for an hour's peace to myself simply to relax. It is the only me time I get and quite often I need the space and peace to get on with chores like the ironing.

So while we have plenty of time together I also need time to chill out myself, otherwise I'm a horrible grump too.
I see nothing wrong with insisting I get some space to get on with the things I need too of an evening.

If posters can only give their opinion in AIBU if they have exactly experienced that situation AIBU would be a far better and more lightly posted place.

Oh I should add. I discussed with ds recently his bedtime and suggested he could stay up later if he liked, but he would have to help me with the chores I did after he had gone upstairs (ironing, washing up, tidying up). He chose to go upstairs and play/read instead.

It's AIBU I thought everyone ignored opinions different to their own and just posted to validate their own choices.

But that is my opinion (so it must be right)

i lurked on here as baby was playing up but my tea came down my nose i snorted so much when spidookly said her kids were 1 and 3.
IMO it depends on th individual child as to how much guidance you give them re bedtime,ds1 would have sat up all night and yet ds 2 and 3 were sensible and knew when it was time to sleep without too much prompting but i still reminded them.Inccidently ds1 didnt do well at school the others did.
As for giving each other space you cannot possibly know how much you crave a bit of evening time when your dcs are little and go to bed early,teenagers will hog the tv/conversation/phone etc and also adults sometimes need to discuss things without them listening. Thats why their rooms are nomally more like little bed sits with tvs pcs or whatever in them.They need to learn abour privacy and boundaries,and they need you to put in those boundaries to feel safe and cared about.
After all you wouldnt allow them to decide their own diet or would you?

btw-5wk old even goes up to bed at 8 so she's got no chance hahaha

Some people just never self-regulate.

I didn't sort out self-discipline with respect to my sleeping patterns until I was about 23 and had started teaching. Then it was do or die and sleep = survival.

My parents gave me autonomy as a teenager. It didn't work - I was a disaster and missed far too much school as I'd been up until 3am. When I had the chance I would sleep in until 1pm, but then couldn't sleep until 4am. Horrible vicious cycle.

Some people need boundaries set for them until a much later stage than others. As was said very early on - this issue depends totally on the individual, but I think all children (as they still are at 13) need support.

Youtalkingtome

If a teenager isn't mature or responsible enough to self-regulate, and it sounds like you weren't, then boundaries should be set.

Well, of course experience informs our opinions and I was surprised that spidookly had children so young, but her posts have still given me food for thought. Even on the basis that she/you may well be a lot younger than me and have a clearer memory of being a teenager!

I don't have to agree with someone to listen to their opinions.

But then I am never a great success usually on AIBU and have been surprised at this ones longevity as they usually die after 20 posts!