To send my 13 yr old to bed for 9:00pm?

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

To settle a debate between 'but Muuuuuuuuuuuum, no one else goes to be at that time' and me being a good mummy with loving concern for his health and wellbeing

I'm able to offer an opinion because I live in the world with 13 year olds, because I remember being 13, because I've taught 13 year olds.

I'm not arguing about how much sleep children of particular ages need.

I'm saying 13 year olds are not children and that it's infantilising to give them a bedtime.

I genuinely can't get my head around that level of bossiness and control with a young person of that age.

I'm not going to become English over the next ten years.

You wouldn't let a teenager decide their own diet?

I thought mumsnet was where babies were born knowing how much and what to eat and when to sleep and how much they needed.

Is it a Platonic forgetting?

I thought babies came into the world needing guidance on everything and gradually learnt how to exist independently.

On MN you can pull all-nighters at 4 months but have to have your parents order you to bed when you're nearly ready to live on your own.

Bonkers.

Of course, it's probably not the same people who think these things.

Choosing not to do your chores is not the same kind of decision as choosing when you go to bed.

Expecting him do his fair share of household work is no more controlling than it would be if a future wife expected the same of him.

But a wife that set a bedtime would be unreasonable and bossy.

Choosing how and when you do things is part if being an adult. Refusing to do things you are responsible for is part of being a brat.

candle shoe can you keep hold of her whilst i have a nap please?

I dont think you can compare dp's as they are our peers the dc's are not and neither should they be?
Would you allow your children to choose macaroni cheese and jelly for tea every day and to only drink coke?Surely not.
I hope nobody was suggesting you couldnt have an opinion cos that is the whole point of mn,but seriously when your little ones are older you will for whatever reason find you need to encourage bedtimes,you may for example love their company-i do too,my dd8 is great company-but they still have to be up for school very early and will not function greatly if they are tired and also tend to be very grumpy too which impacts on relationships.
If you get there and they take themselves off to bed at their chosen time would you still hope that their choice is a reasonable one or would it be ok for example to choose 2 am?

just looking at my scowling dd1 who was allowed to stay up last night and imagining what kind of day i will be having

I cant remember exactly what time I went to bed in the week at that age but i went sailing in the evenings til 8-8:30pm, so would not have been home til close to 9pm. Sort out wetsuit, get some food etc, can't imagine it would have been before 9:30pm-10pm.

Too much control = rebellion.

It's my opinion so it must be right.

Or do you need more time to keep your MN habits going?

I am 'English' shineon does this make my opinion more valid? On the otherhand I only have a 3 year old and one due next week so perhaps my viewpoint is 'rubbish' as you suggest but my experience as a 13 year old that was afforded that level of autonomy contradicts the view that a bedtime for a teenager will enhance their ability at school. IMO and experience it is 'intellect' that will do this and you are kidding yourself if you think very set rules and boundaries are going to pave the way to success.

It is true that as with adults teenagers are individuals that will not all need the same length of sleep, that also changes depending on the demands on their energy levels, for instance if they have an intense week of exams. However, at 13 you know whether you're tired or not. If 'Mummy' is telling you it is time for bed, I think 'Mummy' must be a tad controlling and not wishing you to grow up!

If I needed to finish a school project, coursework at that age, I always knew whether it was best to carry on with it, especially if I was in the right mindset to complete a really good piece of work. My parents would've seen it as detrimental to my education to interupt me in that process to assert some kind of silly 9pm bedtime rule because they knew I was no longer a young child that needing telling what was best for me in every aspect of my life. My parents would've seen this approach as stifling to my ability to think and to use my imagination. Both skills in their opinion necessary to become a fully rounded adult that can contribute something to the world they live in. Ie. Not someone always looking for direction!

shineon I think your comments about needing to gear a teenager away from a 3rd packet of crisps validates the opinion of some that too much control over their lives does allow them to develop any self control or common sense, come to think of it! Even my 3 year old knows when he has had enough of the junk and seeks out some fruit.

I don't think I have all the answers to parenting, far from it.

My input on this thread is not as a parent, but as a person.

I didn't think I was a child at 13, I wasn't treated as a child at 13, I don't consider 13 year old relatives or pupils to be children.

I think young people of that age should be making their own decisions about what they eat, when they sleep and how they organise their time.

They are people in their own right, starting to make their own way in the world.

This is the first time I have ever felt that was a controversial point of view.

I'm fascinated that people think they are conferring any kind of advantage on their children by running their life for them.

I don't think I am giving her an advantage...I know I am!

I don't run her life either..see my previous post. Not all 13 year olds have a mental or emtional age of 13. When mine was 13, her brain age was about 8/9. So she was parented as if she were an 8 year old. Which has helped her enormously. 13 certainly isn't 'adult'

What you think spidookly is largely irrelevant seeing as you ain't actually parenting teenagers.

Well by that logic what anyone thinks other than the op is irrelevant, since we ain't parenting her teenager.

dd1 is 12 and goes to bed at 10/10.30 and reads until 11ish. 9pm seems to early for a 13 year old imo.

My daughter was one of the first 13 year olds to have the HPV jab - this would be just under two years ago I guess. It was important to us that she gave her own consent, and so she duly signed the form and we returned it to school. The nurse rang me up and said she would prefer that I gave parental consent. Conversation ensued about daughter's rights to have or refuse jab, given that she was 13.

Blah blah blah.

Anyway, 13 year old class mate becomes pregnant and has baby in the same year, school doesn't bat an eyelid.

I think my point is that we have a lot of inconsistencies about how we treat 13 year olds.

DD is quite well equiped for her adulthood thankyou. She cooks - very well, she can iron, just choses not to. She can use the washing machine and she is very good at organising her time well. She goes out with her mates, she manages her own money and she is kind, considerate and fits into any social occasion, with ease.

This is far more than my 42 yr old SIL can do btw, so I don't think that can be used as a reason for me stiffling her journey to living on her own!

Perhaps we should consider that at 15, she's had enough of being part of the family by 9pm anyway! We also stipulate no mobile phones, when we're sitting watching TV or chatting together!

Perhaps, she bloody thankful that she goes up to her room, so she can chat to her mates in peace!

Wow LineRunner, that's quite shocking.

So they wouldn't have given the jab to a 13 year old whose parents didn't consent but who wanted to have it?

Wow. That's horrible.

Spidookly. Yes, that's the implication, isn't it? I gather that in my daughter's school a few parents didn't consent to their daughters' having the jab, but who knows what the girls wanted? They didn't get the jab, that I do know.

I think the school thought I was being weird unusual, letting my 13 year old daughter give her own informed consent. But, hey, I'm always trying to be a trailblazer for women's and girls' rights....

Strangely though, I have actually sent my lovely daughter up to bed early - at 8.30, horror, fist in mouth - in the past month for being grumpy and growly. (Her right to a good night's sleep?!)

This is hijacking the thread really, but ... I agree that 13 year olds should not be able to consent to medical treatment without their parents consent. At 13 they are still a child and are not old enough to go through all of the medical information and make an informed decision. If those parents have decided that they don't feel the vaccination is safe (or whatever) that is their decision to make - a 13 year old should not be able to over rule that decision. 13 year olds are not old enough to be making decisions like that for themselves.

You're right, we are hijacking thread.

I'll start a new one.

Back to bedtimes!

Not read all the thread but 9pm seems very early.
DDs are year 7 and year 9 and have not set bedtimes, we all (incl adults) just go to bed/sleep when we are tired, always after 10pm. Sometimes the kids are up after the adults.
Days start at 6am here for DP, and 7am for the rest of us.