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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my 13 yr old to bed for 9:00pm?

293 replies

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 03/03/2011 21:36

To settle a debate between 'but Muuuuuuuuuuuum, no one else goes to be at that time' and me being a good mummy with loving concern for his health and wellbeing Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 05/03/2011 09:48

I agree totally Asinine, but he just doesn't wake up. I wish he did. His self motivation with just about anything is non existant.

My Mum and Dad didn't wake me, By 17 I was in a job that I had to get up at 5.00 to get to but I am very different to DS, Who is like my brother...

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 05/03/2011 14:13

My dd has a very good social life, goingmad. And because of this, she has to be going up to her bedroom at 9pm on all school nights, except Wednesday, when she does Explorers. She spends the entire weekend having fun, because she has put the work in during the week. Most Fridays and Saturdays she's at the pictures or shopping or restaurant. She spends a lot of time camping with Explorers or raising funds for her trip to Sweden for the World Scout Jamboree in the summer. She scubadives and she helps out in a shop sometimes.

All these things add up to her being knackered by the end of the weekend, so it's home from school, homework done and chill time with family and bedroom at 9pm.

Horses for courses I think, but she's a PITA if she's tired and no one likes their parents to say 'told you so', when I suggest she's a pain when she's tired the next day! Grin

Goldenbear · 05/03/2011 14:47

YABU if most of your motivation for sending her to bed at 9pm is to get her out of the way?

My 3 year old wasn't asleep until 9pm last night. He doesn't nap and wake up today at 8am. He doesn't need more sleep than that but I would rather he went to sleep at 8pm and woke up at 7. Is there a huge correlation between intelligence and sleep? Obviously, if a child is so tired that they can't concentrate then it is not going to help their ability to learn but I really can't imagine 10hrs as opposed to 8hrs having a really significant impact on a 13 year old's intelligence.

Goldenbear · 05/03/2011 14:49

Also, what is the advantage in terms of 'health and wellbeing', genuinely asking?

Original poster
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 05/03/2011 15:08

Well, as far as DS is concerned, being tired impacts very quickly on his coping and functioning abilities. (he admits this) A couple of bad nights sleep and he is moody and uncooperative (school have noted this), and he is very much like me from that point of view. I function very badly when I am tired.

When he is tired he will spend any available cash on pop and sugar rich junk, which in turn fuels the problem. We have had to 'manage' this since he was small.

The difference between him and his sister is notable where this is concerned.

No I don't want to 'get him out of the way', but our relationship does benefit from each having some space. DS is hard work. Assessed repeatedly for ADHD and twice for ASS. It is like living with an attention vaccum. He talks constantly in voices off the television; is like a hyperactive overly cheerful cartoon character one minute and a moody crashing emotional yo yo the next. That's OK, I accept him for who he is but it can be wearing and magnified when he is tired.

We have made a deal, 9.30 to bed and can text and read (but no game system) till 10 30 and we are still negotiating mornings.

OP posts:
singersgirl · 05/03/2011 15:58

Goingmad, if you have three teenagers, unless you have twins or triplets (and you may have.only one of them can be 13, which means the other 2 are older - presumably the ones doing GCSE coursework, Duke of Edinburgh and having driving lessons. Of course my 12 year old does neither of these things. The OP's child is 13, not 15 or 17.

DS1 does scouts midweek, 5 a side on a Friday night and drama at the weekend. He also plays school sport and is in choirs and orchestras and plays, but for him, at the moment, apart from concerts, plays and away matches/Saturday matches, all of that's in the school day.

I'm sure when he's 16 he'll be out later and have a different sort of social life!

crazypanda · 05/03/2011 16:07

well,unless its a weekend my 14yyr old twins go to bed at 9pm 10pm on a weekend,if they don't go at 9pm,they can't concentrate at school the next day.

Original poster
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 05/03/2011 16:13

DS doesn't do a committed weekly club. He has tried loads of things but rarely, or rather never, sticks at them. He has tried Ballet, a Gardening club, Karate, Kickboxing, Climbing, A Youth Club, A sort of Outward Bound club, The Clarinet....

DD does Gardening club, Dance/Music, Art Club and a sports club, and stays the full terms they are on (through school) but DS is...... well he is DS.
This is unrelated to my OP but he has had some severe emotional problems and how we are with life for him generally has been to rebuild his

I couldn't afford a massive amount of clubs that had larger financial outlay. His Dad tried to encourage him to join the cadets but he just doesn't feel that way inclined.

Amongst others the high volume of his mates that are here is part of having dealt with a long term bullying problem, so he could mix with friends and be at ease.. now we are a bit of a youth drop in centre Smile.
Whilst I want him to reach his potential, I am not going to push him to be something he is uncomfortable with, it is hugely counter productive with DS.
I don't think he is any less of a well rounded person for it..very much larger than life Smile

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RumourOfAHurricane · 05/03/2011 16:26

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Youllskimmer · 05/03/2011 16:34

I've never heard of anyone sending a nearly 13 year old to their room at 8pm.

Could be one hell of a rebellion on its way. Did you rebel?

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/03/2011 16:56

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Original poster
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 05/03/2011 17:00

What's to hate Shiney Wink?

No, for all that DS seems to go to bed on the early side of many his age, he doesn't hate me either and we have a close, warm, loving relationship the majority of the time.

In as much as he is aware I am doing this thread and we are talking about what is best and manageable, I am listening to him whilst making a parental judgement.

Rebellion? Is not a given and comes in all forms against all sorts of issues.

My DSS's for instance appear to have rebelled against their parents liberalism, drug taking, alcohol fuelled, promiscuous lifestyle choices by becoming two of the mast balanced, pleasant, hard working young men I have had the pleasure to meet.

OP posts:
viewfromawindow · 05/03/2011 17:02

My 10yo goes to bed at 8pm. Usually fast asleep by 8.15pm. Works for us.....

spidookly · 05/03/2011 17:10

I'm amazed that 13 year olds have bedtimes. It's so babyish.

When I was 13 I would have been doing homework until around 9.30 on a school night. Then I would have gone back downstairs to hang out with my family before bed. The idea of my parents imposing a bedtime would have been laughable. I was expected to organise my own time.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/03/2011 17:23

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natalie1987 · 05/03/2011 17:24

thats the age when the rebelious nature is kicking in talk to your son/daughter see if you can both agree on a time compromise. if you dont you will just fuel a fire lol i remember how i was at that age
xxxx

mrsgetonwithit · 05/03/2011 17:26

13 year olds are not adults, they are kids and will do as they are told.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/03/2011 17:27

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mrsgetonwithit · 05/03/2011 17:39

shineon.............Smile

Youllskimmer · 05/03/2011 17:42

They should be seen and not heard.

Or in this case heard and not seen.

candleshoe · 05/03/2011 18:00

mrsgetonwithit - hear hear - 13 is still a child! Children need bedtimes.....in fact even adults don't manage to go to bed when they should. How often have you been on the sofa, watching TV, and been too tired to be bothered getting up to go to bed? Illogical but it does happen!

spidookly · 05/03/2011 18:04

13 year olds are young people learning to take their place in the world. Deciding for them when they must go to bed is retarding their development.

But then I don't think the defintion of child is "someone who does what they are told".

Why shouldn't teenagers stay up as long as they choose in their own home?

Adults who want to be alone can always retire to their room.

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 18:04

I don't have teenagers. But I can remember being 13. I was the youngest of three and always benefited from going to bed at the same time as my older brothers, even though at whatever age I was then they would have been sent to bed earlier. So at 13 I was going to bed pretty much when I felt like it, although if I was still up and dressed at 10pm my mum would have said "don't you think it's about time you went to bed?" I am an early riser though and always have been so I had enough sleep.

I still go to bed when I am tired rather than at a set time, so my bedtime varies between 8pm and 12am.

candleshoe · 05/03/2011 18:05

Do you abdicate responsibility on all parental control issues?

mrsgetonwithit · 05/03/2011 18:14

13 year olds are young people learning to take their place in the world. Deciding for them when they must go to bed is retarding their development.

What a load of crap.