To send my 13 yr old to bed for 9:00pm?

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

To settle a debate between 'but Muuuuuuuuuuuum, no one else goes to be at that time' and me being a good mummy with loving concern for his health and wellbeing

I agree that 13 is still a child albeit a maturing one.

In this house such things relate generally to how much personal responsibility it is balanced out with.

Yes he might get to make more choice about his bedtime when he chooses to get himself up, wash up the pots and stuff he uses up for late snacks, makes contribution to purchase of said snacks that his voracious appetite demands,

I am not 'retarding his development' in the slightest.

He would choose to stay up till midnight, flicking between the computer and game systems, texting and sitting on the loo reading for ages.

What he might choose is not yet sufficiently mature to have all the privileges of an adult.

And I rarely if ever tell him what to do.

If I said I was sending him on a train down to london on his own having never experienced it before all hell would break loose and their would be cries of 'but he's just a child' and that it was neglect or abuse

I respect that he is developing and maturing, but as much as I consider him a lovely companion I am still his 'Mum' and have to make parental decisions that are in his best interests even if he doesn't like them.

How allowing a 13 year old the self determination to decide when to go to bed is "abdicating responsibility"?

Another thing I can clearly remember about being 13 is a girl in my class who had the worst helicopter parent ever. The term wasn't invented then but the breed existed. I had stayed at boyfriend's house (in spare room naturally) and we were picking this girl up in order to all go to orchestra practice together. Her mother came out and proudly told bf's mum that she had got herself showered, dressed, sorted out her own breakfast and packed up her sheet music herself that morning. (Before anyone asks, this girl did not have SN of any variety - in fact we all attended a selective grammar school).

Letting your 13 year old be that useless is abdicating responsibility IMHO.

You think a parent's job is to control their offspring?

Well then yes, I guess in your world I abdicate parental control.

In my world I'm a hard-ass for sending my 2 year old to bed at 7.

Pmsl @ deciding when to go to bed being an "adult privilege" :o

I think its too early theres not much evening left by tge time they have tea and do homework they need some chill time

I have a nearly 15 yo DD2. Her 'room time' is 9.30 on weekdays, 9.45 on weekends. When she was 13 it was always 9.00. When DD1 was 13, hers was slightly later (9.15)

I have always enforced a time they must be in their own rooms at night. I can't make them go to sleep, but I can make them stay in their room. They can read or text their friends if they like, but they don't come out of the room

So yes, they are organising their own time. Bur in their bedroom after a certain point. DD2 has an ensuite, a bowl full of fruit and other little snacks, all her school books, a lot of reading books, her phone... all in her room. She can choose to do what she likes with them and she can set her own sleeptime. Only rules are...no coming out of your room unless in emergency, and no making a racket loud enough to wake DS up.

It isn't anything to do with 'they must do as they are told, and i am the boss' It is about giving them structure. Children develop best and feel safest when they have structure (mine definitely would go off the wall in behavior terms if they could do what they liked when they liked). This includes younger teens. Far from retarding their development, it helps them develop. Their are other things you can do that will give them the freedom and responsibility they need to develop in other ways e.g. You get given all your holiday money at the start of holiday and you can spend it when you like on what you like. No more money will be forthcoming though!

Certainly, my DD2 (who has complex PTSD) would feel very insecure and unsafe if she could do anything she liked at night. When I go to bed, the burglar alarm for downstairs goes on, the alarm on DD2's bedroom door gets set. If she goes walkabout at night, the alarm will trip and wake me up. She likes that..she tests it about once every 2 months to make sure I still come to check on her if she opens the door

If you are asking me spidookly then No I don't think it is for me to 'control' my children.

There's a lot of love and laughter in this family.

And a huge amount of negotiating, debate, discussion and 'dealing' (for want of a better word) about the way things are in their lives. They get to make choices, just like me and benefit or suffer from the consequences, learning from their own mistakes.

As is generally befitting to their age.

Now yours and my definition of what is appropriate at different stages may well be very different and that's fine, I asked for advice, and got what I needed, a balanced set of views from which I have reassessed the current arrangement for a trial, DS is happy with that.

Of course choosing bedtime isn't an 'adult privilege' when compared to the majority of things, but how it impacts on his mood, attitude and ability to function at school are pretty important to me and until he can manage that choice in a way that doesn't do so negatively, then yes, I will take a stance that I will put in some structure that ensures he can importantly function at school.

Because one things for certain, I would come in for a flaming if I let him stay up till midnight every night and he was doing so badly at school that his education was severely impaired.

Sorry about your DD2 Rip van, that sounds challenging, I hope she comes through things OK..

My DS (turned 13 last week) goes to bed at 9pm on a school night. He cycles over 4 miles to school and then another 4 home, then has after school activities n clubs too so I feel 9pm is an adequate time. We are much more lenient on weekends and do not put DS1 or DS2 to bed-more often than not they fall asleep watching their tele's in bed. DS2 (who is nearly 9) goes to bed at 815 on a school nite and DD (who's nearly 6) goes to bed at 730 on a school night. On a weekend she's put to bed at 830.

I don't think 9pm for ure 13 year old is too early at all-especially if, like my kids, they are on the go all day from the minute they wake up til they go to bed!! :-)

Here, Here!

I cannot think why anyone would want to leave their 13 year old to their own devises and bugger off to their bedroom before they have gone to bed! Most odd.

Yes I agree - unless of course the 13 is paying the mortgage!

year old

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Creep.

Why is that creepy? I agree with what she says wholeheartedly.

Spidookly, you are talking a load of old bollocks I'm afraid. 13 year olds are still children and need guidance. Part of that guidance is ensuring that they are properly rested so that they can cope with their day to day life (like getting up to go to school)

I send my kids up at 9 and as I said they are out like lights, in fact some evenings my 13 year old takes herself up way earlier than 9pm. And my 14 year old has no issue with the 9pm school night bedtime.

And when I go to bed at night I like to know that my kids are all safely tucked up in bed.

Do you have teenage kids btw?

you are shineon, i have endured brought up 3 teenage boys and couldnt keep them down with me for love or money,they liked their rooms and enjoyed the privacy.I would tell them when it was time to settle down ie turn off tvs or games and lights,i also enjoyed an hour downstairs to watch what i wanted on tv or chat on the phone.

I let mine decide their own bed time within reason. And I believe because they have that autonomy they go to bed at a reasonable time.

Also before you know it they'll be off out doing their own thing so enjoy them while they are around.

I do enjoy her whilst she's around! As I said way down the thread, all of us, me, DH and DD are in from work/school by 3.30pm. 5.5 hours is quite enough thanks!

Tonight is a case in point! She came in just half an hour ago, from a night out with DH. They have a hobby which I don't share, so I didn't go. She was out late (11.30) with her mates last night. I knew she would be grumpy as hell tonight.

She'd been in 10mins before we're having a disagreement, so I told her to go to bed! Tomorrow, she will be a pleasure to be with.

Well done to you, that your lo's know what a reasonable time is for them, but DD is a 15 year old girl, who would talk inane shit on Facebook or on BBM for days, unless I gave her boundaries.

God yes, my kids would be on facebook chat all night if left to their own devices.

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of autonomy in this house. It results in her not bothering to iron her clothes, forgetting that she has homework and not emptying the dishwasher!

If I don't order suggest she does these things, she won't do them! She is no different from any other young teenage girl imho!

MaureenMlove, if you hadn't stated earlier that your DD was 15, I would've thought you were talking about a much younger child. The trouble with the level of control that you and some others are advocating is that it often results in young adults/teenagers that have limited self control and self reliance because their parents do all the thinking for them!

My brother and I never had a bedtime as teenagers and would often be doing homework still at 9pm, neither of us suffered for it- we both did very well academically and career wise. I am therefore suspicious of peoples' motivation behind ridiculous rules for people who should be preparing for the self discipline needed in adult life, if they are to be a sucess!

My 14 year old dd goes up between nine and ten, and if I ask her to, earlier than that.

IME, they like the privacy to text their boyfriend ,and by God, I do.

It is a basic for sanity, in my view, to get some adult time yourself before you wind down for bed.