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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

180 replies

plasticspoon · 03/03/2011 21:01

Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

OP posts:
IAmTheCookieMonster · 03/03/2011 21:04

I've never done any kind of sleep training, however I co-sleep which is a whole other debate!

hardhatdonned · 03/03/2011 21:06

If it's that moaning type of crying then yes self settling is the best thing to do, if it's that real "MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM HELP ME!" crying then no, a little bit of comfort to calm down then left to own devices. Self settling is a very very useful skill for a child to develop.

MarianneM · 03/03/2011 21:08

No! Not everyone does it! We never have, I just can't. I think the thought of leaving your baby to cry and cry until he/she is worn out is horrible.

FWIW my DD1 is a great sleeper, slept through from 5 months. DD2 not so good though it's still earlyish days (she's 7 months). Neither girl has ever been left to cry. I've resorted to doing all the things you are not meant to: DD1 - BF'd her to sleep. DD2 - she likes to suck my finger until she falls asleep :).

aPixieMomma · 03/03/2011 21:08

I was really lucky with my first that I could put him down awake after a feed and he'd fall asleep himself with no crying.

Ds2 I feed to sleep most of the time (5 1/2months) but started putting him down awake as well and he's getting better at getting himself to sleep. If he cries I pick him straight back up and either put him back on the boob or shhh/pat him and put him back down.

So I've never really needed to let them cry. I have 2 very close friends who never left their babies to cry either so don't actually know anyone in RL who has done (or admitted to) CC or CIO.

So I would go with No, most people don't let their babies cry to teach them to sleep.

Original poster
plasticspoon · 03/03/2011 21:09

No, it's always rapidly escalating hysteria :(

Maybe other babies cry differently?

OP posts:
Iggly · 03/03/2011 21:09

Well DS didn't self settle until 6 months ish. Didn't let him cry it out - although I have friends who did. DS had reflux so I couldn't be sure if he was in discomfort or pain so there was no way I was going to take a chance.

Gleekfreak · 03/03/2011 21:10

We did co-sleeping and have never done CC as it wasn't for me, couldn't bear listening to any of my DC's crying. They all sleep through now though (6,4,2) so happy days! Did co-sleeping as am lazy mare caring mummy who couldn't get out of bed all the time liked cuddling! :o

Minshu · 03/03/2011 21:10

People on here will tell you that 4 months is far too young and, IIRC at that age, there wasn't much difference between my DD's proper crying and the grumbling cries.

You have to do what feels right (or least wrong) for you and your family. My DD learned to self-settle without "sleep training". Not sure how - it's just the way she is, so not much help. Sorry.

TheArmadillo · 03/03/2011 21:10

I won't let dd CIO/CC but have come under pressure from just about everyone I know for not doing so - not just you who gets it. Though I did do it with ds - different baby though.

Its quite a common thing but I personally wouldn't do some of the things I have heard such as 'well if he woke up at night we knew he was fine so just left him' - no checks on the baby, nothing, just completely ignored Shock

The thing is you have to decide what you believe in and what you think is best for your child. Sod what everyone else thinks.

hardhatdonned · 03/03/2011 21:11

Other than your whats baby's other forms of comfort? Blanket? dummy? I'm so going to get flamed for this but try introducing a comforter to baby to help soothe the sleeping. I hate martyr mums tbh and if you NEED to leave your baby to cry to gather your thoughts, then do it and do it guilt free.

MerryMarigold · 03/03/2011 21:11

I think a certain generation 'got tough'. From my friends, some did it 'the hard way' (their kids are teens now) and most did it more like me. Personally I never left it more than 15 minutes of crying. I think that's enough. It was just my threshold. Sometimes they went back to sleep (rarely). In younger babies I think if they are in pain or just want to sleep with you, then that is a valid reason for them to cry and for you to respond!

splashyy · 03/03/2011 21:11

I was shocked at a mum who told me she was following GF and not responding when her 2 day old baby cried at 'non prescribed' times. Don't know how common it is though.

Meglet · 03/03/2011 21:11

I know people who have let their dc's cry for a while. Think it's one of those things you have to weigh up each time. My ds would cry before he farted when he was a couple of months old so I learnt to not rush in and pick him up at the first sign of crying as he would usually get the wind out then settle down again.

Trebuchet · 03/03/2011 21:11

Can't think of anything worse. Its their only way of communicating. have always offered comfort til stopped crying a la baby whisperer, then put down so they've settled selves to sleep once no longer upset. Took a few goes some days but worked for us. Can't understand when people say, oh I'm not going in to her she's not hungry or wet so there's nothing actually wrong Hmm

I'm usually neither of those things but sometimes just need a hug, or the adult equivalent of "there there"

Gleekfreak · 03/03/2011 21:13

Gina ford books need burning! :o

Iggly · 03/03/2011 21:13

Why do you "hate martyr mums" hardhat? Surely it's no skin off your nose if you want to let your baby cry so why do you care what they do with theirs?

hardhatdonned · 03/03/2011 21:13

Yes it's their way of communicating but when mum is exhausted what use is she? If the crying is at the point where she needs to walk away for a while, why can't she? It doesn't do the baby any harm.

nailak · 03/03/2011 21:13

i have never let my 3 kids cry it out, and wouldnt for a few hours!!! i will leave them for a few mins to see if they settle themselves but never a few hours!!!!

hardhatdonned · 03/03/2011 21:14

Ok 'hate' is the wrong word, they grate on me is perhaps the best way of saying it. Probably because they tend to ram it down my throat in RL how wonderful they are because rather than baby/child fitting into the family the family revolves around them. I can't get that mentality.

hardhatdonned · 03/03/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Shakirasma · 03/03/2011 21:16

All three of mine had a lcry before going to sleep. It's as though they needed to blow off that last bit of energy before they could nod off..

I found this out with my first when she was a few months old. I couldn't get her to settle at all. I cuddled, rocked and sang. In frustration I put her in her cot and walked out of the room to pull myself together. Within 2 minutes she was fast asleep.

She had been crying because she was tired and wanted to be left alone! I applied this new found philosophy to all my kids with great success.

There is a huge difference between leaving a distressed baby to scream for an age, and giving them a few minutes peace to settle themselves.

Meglet · 03/03/2011 21:16

FWIW I did GF to the minute, but DS cried less once we started the routine as GF knew what she was doing with babies, unlike me.

It's no bother to me whether someone babywears and co-sleeps or is a GF worshipper, Whatever gets you through IME.

headfairy · 03/03/2011 21:16

My sister let her dd's CIO, and she says now (8 years later) that she's sure her dd1 has been affected by it. She's neurotic as hell, really jumpy and insecure, terrified of everything. At the time, and not having children myself so not really knowing anything about it, I thought it was colic (that's what she said it was at the time) and there was nothing she could do about it. Now she's really sad about it, she says at the time she was trying to do GF with her, but it's really backfired:(

I've never left either dc to cry (ds wasn't such an issue, he was always a great sleeper). Dd didn't sleep through until she was 1 but if the crying was anything more than a tired whimper I would go to her. I did a lot of co sleeping and it was hard, but I feel it's my duty as a mother to comfort my baby.

OP, 4 months is a tough age for babies - sleep regression etc. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise.

Original poster
plasticspoon · 03/03/2011 21:17

Ah, we are already co-sleeping and still plagued by multiple awakenings. I had planned to co-sleep but was not expecting a baby for whom being snuggled up with mum in bed still isn't enough! I have to sit up and cradle hold him.

Did have dreams of him spending first part of the night in his hammock as well...

Thank god for iPhones!

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 03/03/2011 21:17

DS2 has a cuski comforter but he still cries to sleep sometimes, he is 10 months. Generally not for more than 10 mins. TBH I am not sure how else he'd go to sleep.