Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

[plasticspoon]

Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

The only people who talk about "babies being beaten into submission" are people who want to make a point about how cruel it is to try cc

Beating your baby into submission would be abuse. Do you really think that people who are trying to teach a non-sleeping baby to sleep ate abusers?

Remember that sleep is very important for a baby's health.

DD2 is a great sleeper, but when she is overtired she becomes inconsolable. The only thing that comforts her is leaving her the fuck alone to go to sleep. This I have learnt from bitter experience.

Biggest lesson I learned as a new mum was not to leap into action at every squeak but let some noises fizzle out of their own accord.... which they often do if you give it a minute. I don't think I've ever let full-on crying continue for long.

i will probably be flamed but it is interesting that it is generally considered that CC doesn't work on babies under 6 months. i didn't do cc with a baby under 6 months but i did sit in the darkness while my baby whimpered and cried in the night, patting her gently but not talking to her and not feeding her for one night only at about 13 weeks when i figured that her 4am waking for a feed was not out of hunger (as she then totally refused a feed until 11am if fed at 4am)...

i did it for 1 night. the next day she 'found' her thumb and never woke in the night for a feed after that.

however i do know NOT to ignore a baby / toddler who cries in the night. DD cried on and off one night - for a few seconds at a time, and then stopped. i was on the point of going into her about 4 times, but did't. in the morning i discovered the reason. a huge poo and a red raw bum.

so i always get up and check if there is any crying in the night.

I learnt the hard way. What shakirasma says.

I could never ever leave a baby to cry for longer than a couple of minutes and I have never had a problem sleeper among dc or dgc

I left DD1 to cry in her cot once when she was 8 months. When I checked on her after 5 mins she'd thrown up all over herself and I can still see her sad little eyes looking up at me, and that was 14 years ago. I never left her to cry again and DDs 2&3 have never been left either. None of them were good sleepers BUT I got through it!

I did.

I couldn't bear any crying or leaving with DS1, plus he had awful reflux and would just vom if you didn't get there super quick anyway. I did leave him to settle of sorts but he would still get up between 2-5 times a night. By 18mo (and reflex finally gone) I just couldn't cope with the sleep deprivation. CC/CIO felt ompletely against every fibre of my being as it were but I was crying all the time, just not able to cope, DH and I were just on our knees and something had to change (and we'd tried other things). It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Life transforming. Never regretted it at all. Hard week but every morning same chirpy little face greeting me, no ill effects done that I can see either then or now.

DS2 completely different kettle of fish. Fab sleeper from very early - STTN at 9 weeks. I did give him the opportunity to self soothe from very early - but not letting him cry, just letting him grumble for a minute and then he'd fall asleep.

The vast majority of my friends have done some form of sleep training to greater or lesser extents.

Co-slept with DD till 10 months then began the transition of moving her to her crib. Last night feed, plopped in crib, cried and cried and cried... tried the Ferber method, leave for 5 minutes, console, leave for 6 minutes, console and so on until they fall asleep. DD just became increasingly hysterical. I did that for about 6 weeks and just couldn't take it anymore, all the crying and instinct told me it wasn't going to work with this one, no matter what people kept telling me. I began just going in and singing and patting her on the back and SHH-ing, never picking her up, until she settled and although my back ached, I wasn't having to listen to the crazy crying which wears you down in so many ways. 2am feed, she was brought back to bed and slept the rest of the night. After a month of that, plopped back in crib after 2 am feed, brought back to bed at 6am feed and so on until one night, she dropped her 2 am feed and kept on sleeping. It was so amazing. I got a full nights sleep and didn't wake once. At two she still occasionally wakes from dreaming, or blankets have fallen off or she's hot, but a quick fluff and kiss and she rolls over and is back to sleep. Once in a blue moon, she is completely spooked out about something, so I'll let her come back to bed, but those nights are very definite that she is scared about something. After all this, I did come across a newspaper article that said and new study suggested that the leave them to cry method was damaging to infants physically and mentally. I'm thinking we wouldn't have survived as a species if our Cro-Magnon ancestors used this method.

GotArt,

One recommendation for children who kick off blankets: Baby sleeping bags. They come in all thicknesses to single sheet thickness for warm nights and are a lifesaver.

Every child is different. TBH I felt exactly like you did, with every one of my three children. Unfortunately my children ALL needed me to go to sleep, either breastfeeding or rocking etc. My middle child had a dummy so wasn't so clingy, but at 6.5 months she wouldn't be swaddled any more and so would knock her dummy out, so I did have to let her cry most nights until about 8 mths when she could put it back in again!

Four months is too young IMO. I've never let them cry themselves to sleep before six months, and usually 8 or 9 mths I've just had enough of the rocking and no-napping and no-evenings, the constant feeding and interrupted nights... it is horrible but after the first couple of nights it really does get so much better that you feel like you have a new baby!

Try reading 'No Cry Sleep solution' - it will give you some great advice to use NOW before your baby picks up too many 'bad' habits that will make life more difficult later. IE, try to put him/her down awake but sleepy so that they settle themselves to sleep without you there. You can also learn their sleep cues - the Baby Whisperer says put them down for a sleep if you see two yawns!

Hopefully you won't have to leave your baby to cry, but I don't actually believe it scars them for life and a well-rested baby is SO much happier than one that wakes every hour because his mummy isn't there right next to him!

I've never done it. Well, OK we tried for about 10 mins when DS1 was small. I hated it.

We co-sleep and just let the little mites learn to sleep through when they're ready. I like to think that the lack of any sort of sleep "issue" with DS1 was due to us meeting his needs as a small child. We never had any of that going up and down the stairs to a three year old scared of the dark/looking for monsters/thirsty etc etc.

DS2 is nearly 2 and not sleeping through. I bring him into bed with me and he nurses and goes back to sleep (most of the time!). What could be nicer than snuggling up to a sleeping toddler? They're just so beautiful.

Letting my DS cry kept me sane especially when I discovered that he only really cried for up to 8 mins ( which I discovered after putting him in his cot to give myself space before sobbing in the shower). It's very individual but he would wake the minute I put him down and I couldn't cope any more. Good luck, do think about what's good for you as a sane mum is a good one x

I think some people are lucky to have babies that sleep. Mine ( I have 3 children)didn't sleep through the night until they were around 18 months. I was a zombie for most of the time but didn't have the heart to for the CIO method.

I figured if this poor little baby who relied solely on me for everything, food, warmth, cuddles, cleanliness,
etc, needed something then I should give it to him. Babies should be able to feel 100% security that their Mom will be there if they need something, even if they don't know what it is.

There's plenty of time to teach him independence once he's learnt to walk, talk and least put his own socks on!

I have never and would never. I put them down when they were awake, so they learned to drop off on their own.

Maybe I was just lucky as they all slept well.

I think babies should know their DMs are there for them.

I did- when DS was 3 years old. Now co-sleeping with DD, who is 5 months. If she wakes up and wants to play, I just ignore her. Eventually when she has had enough, she breastfeeds to sleep. I get enough sleep this way.

I wouldn't stay up and cradle hold him to just stop him crying.

If you are snuggled up in bed and the boob is available, then if he wants to cry then that is a bit different I reckon.

It isn't as though you are withholding any comfort from him, he isn't being left alone and hungry, he just isn't getting things exactly the way he wants them.

I let them cry if I am doing something like having a shower or need get something done. I try not to take too long, but the kids/babies are part of the family not the centre of it and sometimes it is their turn to wait.

Never could get my head around leaving them in a cot to cry themselves to sleep though, way too soft for that. The time goes too fast to waste any of it fighting tiny babies I reckon.

BadaBingBang at 3 it isn't really cry it out though is it? More of a 'Good to Bed OR ELSE' sort of situation. You can reason with a 3 year old, reassure them that you love them and they are safe but they have to go to bed Right Now.

OP - YOU know your baby best.

I am sure that lots of people have babies who "have a little cry before sleep", or "just do a little moany cry" or "need to burn off that last bit of energy before sleep" and those people are doing the right thing for themselves and their children by letting them cry to sleep.

When my children cried it was because they needed me to come. If I was delayed in getting to them they would escalate into sobbing hysteria. I KNEW that the right thing for me and for my children was not to leave them to cry.

I had years of increasingly doubting myself as everyone and her dog told me to "get tougher" and leave them to it. I thankfully stuck to my guns. After many years, I finally did hear my son do a lazy, not really needing me cry and I understood what everyone had been talking about. I am so glad I trusted my instincts.

You need to decide what the best thing for you and your baby is.

I tried it once for 5 minutes and my husband came in and went in the kitchen and covered his ears on the floor as it was too upsetting! That was when she was about 7 months and I never tried again. Otherwise we co sleep and I have got rid of my cot now, as I wont be using it for subsequent babies.

Before I had children I said I would never co sleep now I dont think I could have a baby and not do it.

No I never did it and he sleeps just fine now, I don't think it is necessary to "train" a child how to sleep. It's only a few months they are like that, babies cry! Its normal and to be expected, well for me anyway.

No, I didn't either and DS is a good sleeper now at 2yo. In fact I bf to sleep until he was over a year old. He learnt to self-settle in his own time.

Give yourself a break and enjoy your DS at this stage - he'll grow so fast, make the most of the cuddles and rocking/feeding to sleep. You'll miss it when he's older.

Hi,when my eldest was 7 to eight months,was tired because baby still up in night for 2 hours every night between 12 and four,and spending 40 minutes in room every evening trying to get her off to sleep.Started leaving her to cry for 2 to 3 minutes and then would go back into room,and do this continually to reasure her I was still there,until she fell asleep.After 4 or 5 days of doing this every evening about 7 to 8 o clock,she then got herself to sleep more or less straight away,and stopped waking us in the night.After a fortnight she did then wake up for a bit in night for another 2 weeks,but then went back to sleeping through.
Sorry can't remember which book I read this sleep training in,but I know they didn't suggest it being done before about 7 months.

I actually learnt the hard way that my Dd2 didn't want comforting, cuddling, rocking, feeding, singing too, all this was mightily pissing her off, when I stopped fussing and just let her be she fell asleep much better with much less crying. Trying to sooth her = a good 2 hours of crying, letting her be = 10 minutes of crying.

*singing to

dd2 is 4mo. i did PUPD with her at 3mo months as i was in a very bad place. i didn't leave her to cry, or push her to sleep through the night, but did this to end her waking every 45mins.

she has always needed to cry to drop off - even in the sling, or when cuddled. i now put her in the cot, and she has a bit of a cry. sometimes she drops off after a minute, sometimes after 5. sometimes i need go back in and give her a cuddle and settle her down after 5mins or so. i have an active, non-napping 4yo at home with me for a good portion of the week, so cannot spent hours trying (and often failing) to settle dd2 in the same way i did with dd1, whom we ended up sleeping training at 6mo anyway.

I think if you like co-sleeping and can handle the night wakings, then that's fine and working for you. but if you are exhausted, and your mental health is suffering, and your baby is grumpy and overtired, then it might be worth trying to change something. only you know when you've reached that point.