Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

[plasticspoon]

Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

Thanks for the other suggestions. I don't want to co-sleep - just don't want to go down that path. We did when she was new and that was lovely, but not now.

I feed her twice during the night - that's fine, she's a baby and I expect that. The feeds are 10 mins and she settle back to sleep with nary a whimper after that. It's just the other times when she wakes that are so difficult.

I really can't leave her to cry - I do leave her to try to self-settle, but once the grizzling turns to upset wailing, I can't leave her. A couple of times I have out of desperation, and just feel worse about it. But of course, always going into her just teaches her that if she grizzles for long enough and then wails, someone will come...

DS started sleeping through at 7 months, but he took a dummy and weaned much better than she is. I am just feeling it right now I guess, as her sleep regression has been so appalling - and as much because she just Will Not Take A Bloody Dummy!!

5dollar, co-sleeping was the only way I managed to get enough sleep. I have twins and they were both terrible sleepers (till about last week! They are 2.4). My ds1 sleeps fine but wakes early, sometimes 5am (today), so to get the sleep I needed to survive, I co-slept. It depends. If you can manage without then that's great. If you can't get through the day without losing it, and just need more sleep, then do it for a bit. They will grow out of it when they are tired, drop their daytime nap and start sleeping through all the way (though I agree this is a long time to wait!). But it did save my sanity, and I could find no other ways. My dsis always goes and comforts her dd, sits next to cot until she goes back to sleep, but it means v little sleep for her when her dd is ill/ teething/ just wakes up for whatever reason. I don't think there is a foolproof way other than CC and sticking to it. I never felt comfortable with that choice either, so the co-sleep was, for me, the only other viable option.

I think the doctor who first wrote about CC states that 12 months is the earliest to start. My friend is using it with her 13 month old.

I co-slept with my DD and at age 2 she said she wanted her own bed. And that's been that.

I never could do CC or let her cry until recently (she's 3 years) and I only do it when she's just whining with sleepiness.

I agree with Headfairy that 4 months is really trying with getting them to sleep and/or keeping them asleep. But they get over it in about 4 weeks. Then, you have the 6 month sleep problem, then the 8-10 month one, then the 12 and 18 month. Their bodies and brains are developing at a rapid rate and rest goes up and down with these growth periods.

Only one friend IRL has spoken openly about using CIO and that was with a toddler of 18 months.

Either no one else I knoew does it, or they kept v. quiet about it.

We haven't done it but have never had any major sleep probs with DD (2 years) either.

I am a dummy mummy, but as I went back to work (fulltime with out of hours) still getting up at 1am and 3am to feed DD I needed to get my sleep somewhere.

As RitaMorgan identified - mine cried for a few minutes before settling down. I had to steal myself to leave the room and then used to set the kitchen timer, 2 mins, 5 mins, etc. especially when I knew they really were over tired and needed to sleep.

A long term mothers sanity is more important then 5 minutes of baby crying. I am such a better mother with some sleep.

no I've never done it
just dont agree with it

Have you tried him in a cot at the end of your bed? If you sleep "upside down" in the bed you can touch him to comfort him without having to get up, and as others have said sometimes it's just a little grizzle that goes with a trump or wee.

I don't see how CIO is ever good for children, but doubt CC does any harm if done carefully. It's not for me, but I wouldn't be averse to DP doing CC with help from MIL or my mother if we were desperate. I can see how CC works in combination with gradual withdrawal as long as it's not hysterical escalating crying, but I do think 4m is a bit too young for CC, I would have thought 8m+ more suitable.

DD1 would only nap during the day if she had a cry first, she used to get overtired so easy and if we were at home she would sob for a few mins whilst she dropped off. She never did it at night though.

with DD2 i am astill feeding her to sleep at 2.6. we have just decided now to settle her in bed with her light up alien and then pop to the loo and come back periodically until she sleeps. She did cry a little the first few times but not heartwrenching cries.

I am really against CC and Cio and I was almost in tears as she was sobbing but with a 6 month old to feed it was all toon much and last night she didn't murmur once she went to sleep fine.

My mum always said a baby had to learn to cry itself to sleep which i thought sounded unneccesarily cruel

Oh - I never left my baby to cry. The only thing I ever did was to open curtains in the day and close at night.

That's it really - and we're late cosleepers.

BTW my take on cosleeping is that it's the norm in most of the world for a variety of reasons that the majority of us don't have in the UK. HOWEVER, the co sleepers of the world don't grow up wierd actually.

Very interesting to see everyone's replies, thank you.

Just had yet another 'discussion' with dh about sleep. I'm worried that this could become a real issue for us. After the paed yesterday saying he thought ds is old enough to be sleeping properly , dh is even more convinced we need to get tough. After all, the paed is an expert, no?

I tried to explain that I feel it is possible to be a highly qualified dr and still talk rubbish...but dh is of the opinion that I am just blind to any advice I don't want, that he is being shut out of making decisions about his own son and that we will end up doing something like CC when I am physically and mentally wrecked and he has to look after both of us.

Worst thing is he's not exactly wrong - I am being treated for pnd and the burden of ds' sleep is almost entirely on me. I'm just also incredibly stubborn and find it impossible to listen to ds cry without getting very distressed.

:(

If someone tried to keep me from my crying baby against my will I would have to kill them probably resort to physical violence.

Not in my world OP, no.

We've never left either of ours to cry, but we do co-sleep.

It goes against my instincts to leave a baby to cry, even for a minute. It drives me crazy if DS2 is crying and there's nothing I can do about it (in the car on the motorway for example). I honestly don't think I could stand it.

However, what other people do with their babies is none of my business and I'll only tell people what I do with mine if they ask for advice.

DS1 co-slept for nearly 3 years, which would be unacceptable for a lot of people. He recently decided he wanted his own bed (he's had his own room from the beginning) and has been in there ever since. No crying, but it did take nearly 3 years to get there!

I did a watered down version with dd2 when she was 16 months. 4 months is too young

I don't, but listening to the neighbours' baby through the party wall for the past year and a half tells me that they do.

Well I've heard that parents are hardwired to find a baby's cry distressing for a reason. So perhaps that's why.

What I would say is that I coslept with my dm until I was 7 (even though we had a huge house) - but it was lead by me.

I cosleep with ds - can honestly say I don't like it much but he does (he's 4) -honestly this stuff about making them scared or dependent is entirely bullshit.

I can't wait for it stop as I'm fed up. BTW he slept through the night from 10 weeks old - independtly - the cosleeping came much later but I've not had a broken night's sleep since he was 10 weeks old and I'm grateful for that.

Do what your insticts tell you.

BTW - I really admire the people who's kids say goodnight at 18 months old and hop into their own beds alone. Great stuff. But horses for courses and I have a dh who works all evenings and weekends so there's no pressure on me for ' couple time' as the couple aren't there together.

Do what suits you.

We kind of did.

My hearings pretty dodgy, so if DD is crying loud enough for me to hear her I go get her after 2 mins and have done this since she was pretty small, less than 4 mths probably.

On the very rare occasions that she cries for more than 2 minutes and I go get her.

But she was a very convenient baby and an excellent sleeper, so that worked fine for us.

I couldn't co-sleep. It drove me bonkers and kept DD awake because it was too interesting for her to sleep iyswim. She is exactly the same now as a toddler.

I think that many people who don't come on MN do things very differently. In recent months I have seen friends and families have babies and thoughts on Breast feeding, carrying in slings, co-sleeping, BLW and not trying to establish a strict routine until past 6 months have been met with less than enthusiastic responses and I know I am considered to be some kind of airy fairy hippy Mum for having gone these routes with my own dc.

Don't get me wrong I am not going round trying to convert everyone to my way of thinking but I was pretty ill informed about all the alternatives when I had ds and I have some regrets about the choices I made with him and I really wish I had discovered MN sooner.

Shimmery - that's very honest of you. When I had ds I was in my late thirties and it was last chance saloon for us. When ds born I took on board all advice.

For me as a person with a 'd' h who works antisocial hours and who is very non hands on meant I was like a sing;e mum - for that reason i was very happy that ds slept early on (mainly luck but also a mix of my bf and bottle feeding at night) I just felt that if I have no husband/wife life and if I'm on my own with ds every evening with no 'd' h for marriage life etc- well all that influenced what I did (which was cosleep from about 1.5 years) and it's done ds and I fine. I'm still in same position but also working so cosleeping now is the most normal thing ever to OUR situation (which isn't idea- but many situations aren't).

If I had my time again I'd do exactly the same and advise others to go with their instincts.

My ds didn't sleep. Not from the very beginning. We tried the cranial osteopath, everything.
He doesn't like going to sleep. He will fight it tooth and nail. He has never really napped properly, I currently have to drive him around to get him to sleep during the day. We still have to sit with him while he goes to sleep after the bedtime routine. He wakes up most nights and just shuffles into bed with us.
I tried controlled crying - it actually worked for a little while and then he got sick/teething for a few weeks and he regressed and I was just too exhausted to try again.
DH still has the occasional "there has to be a better way" moment but I can't find one right now.

It's partly a generational thing. My Mum is very much of the "leave them to cry it out" school of thought. She used to leave me in my pram at the bottom of the garden for a good couple of hours and no one thought anything of it .

Your baby, your choice. But no, not everyone does it. I live in a small flat and see little point in lying in my bed listening to my baby cry - it would make everyone miserable. But I know for a fact that sometimes he needs 5 or 10 mins of crying to settle himself and I am happy for him to do this.

We've just started doing something like this - no idea if its CC or CIO, my HV calls it 'shushshushpat' .

Basically he's 7 months, and up until Monday was waking between 2 and 6 times a night for a breast feed. Wasn't great, but it was ok, as was at home so fairly chilled during day. Now i'm going back, was getting bit desperate, so we tried it. It involves going in when he starts crying, obv. checking nothing is wrong, giving him a kiss, telling him everything is fine, then leaving room. Then going back in every few minutes if you need to.

He took to it very well, got a bit hysterical the first time so picked him up had a cuddle (i'm weak willed), then he was fine, he woke twice more just to have a moan, then ever since then he's woken once or twice a night, just to moan, and I just go through and pat him, have a little chat, then walk out again. Seems to be getting hang of it. Not sure I could do it if he continued hysterical crying!