Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

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Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

We've never left DD (now 20 months). She never seemed to really do the "just grizzling/moaning" crying - either she was asleep and happy, or she was awake and screaming for us!

We did try leaving her five mins once - never again, she was very distressed and vomited everywhere.

She slept through reasonably regularly from about 15 months, with a big blip between 18-19 months when all hell broke loose at night.

Nowadays she regularly sleeps through provided she is not ill. Bedtimes are easy - story, cuddle, song, in bed and I just walk out the door with no protest from her.

I think 4 months is very young still - DD was certainly stil in the cot next to my bed at that age and probably feeding twice a night. I think you may need to accept that you're going to be knackered for another 6 months or so ... sorry!

Depends on what you mean by crying. If DD is grumbling to herself, mixed with cooing and the very occasional louder yell then I leave her to sleep by herself. If it's longer than 30 mins I conclude that she's not tired enough and I bring her down.

If she's really screaming, full on, I run and get her.

If she's crying but not sceaming I give her about a minute before I go in and try to resettle her.

Depends on the baby, really. I know that with DD, crying which doesn't stop within about a minute just gets worse and results in screaming.

I know its really hard with the sleep deprivation;at 4 months everyone elses baby seemed to start sleeping through apart from mine.I always wondered whether it was something to do with being a very large baby,as she used to have about 8 or nine bottles a day,and thought she got hungrier in night,but my other 2 slept through earlier,so I think it might be that they had less attention from me,so didn't demand it whenever they woke.Sounds a bit sad,but they are happy children now.

It went against all my instincts to leave my babies to cry.
I tried it once as everyone I encountered was telling me I was making a rod for my own back. I hated it and gave up after 5 mins.

You have to do what suits you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says.

Personally, I think letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is cruel, no matter how tired/fed up you are. I could never do it. It's just not in my nature. I hate the principle upon which it is based. I could no more let a baby's cries go unattended than an adult's. Apparently it only takes three days for them to get the message that you won't come to them if they need you. What a sad lesson to learn so young.

Be aware that people who have done CC will always tell you it is a great idea - they have to justify it to themselves.

Oh - just to be clear, I think a spot of grumbling and cooing is normal and acceptable (they do this in their sleep a lot of the time) but wide-awake wailing till they are sick - which the books tell you is also normal (WTF???) is just hideous. And yes, I do find it a form of abuse.

Thisfeelswierd;when you have other toddlers to see to you have to leave them cry.Is that cruel?My girls have a really close relationship with me,and know I am always there for them.If you keep going in to reassure them you are there,why is that wrong.?

I found it hard to let DD1 cry and she never learned to get herself off to sleep on her own. DD2 was allowed to cry a little even forom a young age as long as I knew she was tired (had a better routine for her and was more confident in my assessment of the crying, even from a young age.)

I don't know if it is coincidence, but DD1 still finds it very difficult to get herself to sleep at 11 years old. I still find her crying at 11pm because she can't go to sleep, while DD2 goes out like a light.

Sorry - edited that sentence and then repeated myself!

There is a difference between leaving a baby to cry for a minute while you finish something with a toddle [I used to shout "Just coming" to my DD2, so she could hear my voice] and leaving a baby to cry deliberately.

I think CIO is just cruel. Babies depend on us for comfort and it's just mean to not give it to them. They don't understand why, when they're crying you don't come and soothe them. The reason they finally stop crying is that they just shut down.

Think about how you feel after you've been crying a while. Your nose is runny, your eyes are red and puffy, your throat starts to hurt and your head hurts. As adults we can do things to ease those feelings, babies can't.

Yes but,if your're only leaving them to cry for 2 minutes at a time anyway;thats the same as having 2 toddlers who might need you to help them with something.

bobbiytboo,my 11 year old can be demanding,and I,m convinced its because I never gave her a moment to just be by herself when she was younger.She finds it really hard to entertain herself.
I think my daughter just liked attention,and wanted to smile and play,rather than sleep,and she needed to be left alone to sleep.

Yes loads of parents do! But in my experience, less do it with their first child.

I too couldn't do it with my first child, couldn't bear to hear him cry for 1 minute. So co-slept, breast fed and rocked etc etc. I was sooooooooooo tired for the first two years.

However, when I had my second baby- it was important to me that I still had time to read a story and snuggle DC1 at bedtime.

So DC2 was left to cry for short periods, so I could put the older child to bed. Sometimes baby was already asleep and I was bathing DC1. But then baby would wake up. I would have to get DC1 out of bath, put towel around them etc. I went at a calm pace, didn't race up to baby - because what about DC1? Surely it would have been cruel to neglect older child's needs.

Parenthood is a very long game, if you can't leave them to cry - don't - maybe you might with your second or third child? Maybe not?

But honestly, don't fret over it. It's just another choice - like going back to work, or not? Breast feeding or bottle? Giving treats or not? The list goes on and on and never stops - always this battle between philosophies and ideals. Your baby is in your family - where you make the rules. And if your family gets bigger you may inadvertently have to let the baby cry.

Just do what works for you and your family.

You can still be the most wonderful, patient and loving parent and do some form of sleep training. It may work - but it might not.

DD is 7 months old - 3 months into the 4 month sleep regression and no sign of it ending. :(

Occasionally I have had to let her CIO, out of utter desperation. But the fact is, that 99% of the time, I end up going into her, which just teaches her that if she cries, someone will come.

How do I teach her to self-settle? She will NOT take a dummy, in spite of so many repeated efforts. I used to be a dummy hater, but I'd do anything for her to take one, if it would just soothe her, but she won't.

Seriously, will the anti-CCers give me some advise on this?

I EBF, she is not weaning well at all so there is no real end in sight for me, it is ALL down to me, I have no idea how to fix it, I haven't had a good night's sleep in over 7 months!!! What do I do? :(

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I work on a childrens ward, I've never left anyone elses child crying and alone at night so why would I do that to my own?

What if you're fucking desperate though, and nothing else works???

We tried with my oldest at about 18 months in desperation. It didn't work, or at least it only worked inasmuch as he fell asleep behind his bedroom door after fucking hours of screaming, consoling, laeving screaming etc... He didn't sleep through until nearer 2. Never did it with the next three as first one was too traumatic- co-slept instead, and they all started sleeping through by 2. Current 18 mo is not that brilliant but be know it's not for ever and don't mind.

Re CIO I would say there's a difference between tired grizzling and full-on distressed screaming. With DD3, who is still sharing our room, we wait a few moments if she stirs. Usually she settles again. If she gets to the stage of crying more loudly and/or standing up in her cot, we go to her, pick her up, tell her it,s sleeping time and lie her back down again. If this doesn't work after a couple of goes, experience has taught that it's instead going to escalate to three hours of full-on crying, with us becoming increasingly entrenched and wondering whether it's wise to give is now as this is how long she'll scream for next time, and we just bring her straight into bed and I feed her, after which she sleeps. At 18 months, she will have a night like this maybe once every fortnight, usually when she's ill - most of the time she settles very easily again.

Ime you have to play it by ear. If you are too inflexible you run the risk of giving the wrong messages to your tiny baby- that you are not there when they really need you.

But wonka what happens when they are all crying at the same time,which happens when you have 3 young children.
5Dollarshake,its alright for your dd to know you will come.If you go in every 2 to 3 minutes,they know you are there,but if you just be as boring as possible,so they know you will not play.
I think you might need more support from a doctor or health visitor;thats what they are there for.My friend used a special bottle from health visitor,that was similar to breast feeding.Please ask for help.All of us need help sometimes.If you don't get on with your health visitor perhaps ask doctor about someone else.

I did both - for a whiny mildly anxious cry I would make indirect soothing "I'm here, you are secure, all is OK, it's time to sleep" noises from a distance and DD learned to self settle.

If she was really anxious, wound up, upset, out of control type crying, I would get her up & cuddle/feed/burp whatever until she calmed down and then put her down again. When she was younger it was usually because she needed another good burp & so was probably physically uncomfortable. Once she'd had that release the sleep (thankfully) wasn't an issue.

I quickly learned to tell the difference between different crys. I didn't see any need to let her cry for hours, nor did I have the desire to do that.

I am fully prepared for this next baby to be different though.

I'm sorry your so tired 5dollar, my DS3 still wakes 3/4 times a night (He's almost 4). DS4 sleeps through as do the older 2. As with you it was all up to me even when getting up for DS4's feeds as well.
Mine has night terrors and has had from just over a year. He wakes terrified and takes up to an hour to settle so its not possible just to let him cry. We were advised to take him back to newborn and put his bed beside ours again.
This has made it quicker more immidiate to settle him but he stil wakes frequently.

5dollarshake can you co-sleep? This worked for DD & me - she just fed when she wanted to & I pretty much got to sleep through. I couldn't co-sleep when she was a wee baby though - I was too paranoid. Think I started about 4 months.

I agree about being flexible.I only wanted to sleep train because I was knackered getting up every night.My 8 year old comes into my bed at night now,but I like the comfort,and she doesn't keep me awake.It's all about doing what you have to to survive as a family.

I don't think anyone has a DESIRE to let their baby cry for hours, thanks.

lovelymumma - thanks for your suggestions. :) Thank God DS is such a good sleeper or I'd be beside myself.