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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

180 replies

plasticspoon · 03/03/2011 21:01

Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

OP posts:
bubbleymummy · 04/03/2011 21:27

I know someone who used CIO at 5 weeks in real life :( Her husband felt they had to 'show who was boss' from the start. If DH had even suggested such a thing I would have been wondering what kind of man I'd married! Thankfully he did not :) He has been happy to cosleep since we discovered it when ds1 was a few weeks old. Neither of us would be happy leaving our boys to cry themselves to sleep and we haven't 'sleep trained' either of them. There have been difficult spells but cosleeping definitely made it easier!

2rebecca · 04/03/2011 21:36

I did controlled crying (the going in every 10 min and calming them briefly without picking them up thing). Worked in about 3 days with both and neither are neurotic and both sleep really well now.
We are good sleepers though and I wonder if parents who sleep poorly themselves don't expect or value a full night's sleep in a child.
Teaching your child to sleep is part of being a parent. Why would a parent want to leave their kid waking intermittently during the night when they could be having a full night's sleep?
I don't see why teaching your children to stay asleep all night is considered cruel.

bubbleymummy · 04/03/2011 21:51

I wonder how my children 'learned to sleep' without us teaching them then. Hmm Aren't babies born knowing how to do it? Or was it just mine? They knew how to fall asleep from day 1 - in fact I'm pretty sure they were sleeping at times in utero too! Does that make them geniuses? Grin

bubbleymummy · 04/03/2011 21:54

Rebecca - not sure how old yours were when you did cc but 10 mins is quite a long time for a baby to be left to cry. I thought it was supposed to gradually increase from a couple of minutes. Both DH and I love our sleep btw which is why we cosleep! Happy sleeping parents with a happy sleeping baby that has never had to cry by itself :)

kalo12 · 04/03/2011 21:57

loads of people eat mcdonalds, read the sun, smoke fags, etc. just because the masses do it doesn't mean its good.

what do you want to do?
personally i would not ever do this.

IHeartKingThistle · 04/03/2011 21:58

I agree 2rebecca, it's a few nights of crying and then everyone is so much happier. And surely it's way better to do that earlier rather than try to sleep train a toddler when you decide you're sick of co-sleeping? I'm not talking about doing it at days old, but honestly I think it's more cruel to suddenly try to make a toddler sleep on their own.

I know some babies must just do it themselves, but for those that don't, some carefully-managed cc can result in happier parents and babies. It did for us.

chandellina · 04/03/2011 22:00

i think 4 months is too young and that it's unlikely to work at that age anyway.

i do think it has its role at a later stage though. the idea is not to teach the baby to sleep but to teach him or her to soothe themselves, a handy skill so that they don't rely on parents to get them back to sleep at every random waking.

frankly i don't think crying a bit is that serious. my 2.5 year old starts wailing if i flick the switch on the light or throw something in the bin instead of letting him do it but i don't worry that he's going to be traumatised by it.

bubbleymummy · 04/03/2011 22:11

The point is that as they get older they understand better that you are in the next room/ just popping downstairs for a cup of tea etc etc. A small baby does not understand that so its a bit unfair to just ignore their needs. what's the big deal about cuddling a baby to sleep anyway? If they want a cuddle - give them one! They won't need one forever. My eldest moved out of our bed and into his own without any problems at all before his younger brother came along and we started all over again. I think people worry too much about what MAY happen in the future if they don't do something about it now and then convince themselves that they've done the right thing because their child is a good sleeper. Well guess what - mine are good sleepers too and we didn't DO anything.

IHeartKingThistle · 04/03/2011 22:18

I did give them a cuddle! I just put them down again afterwards!

It's all about what works for you and your baby, isn't it? If it works, great. It took me a while to realise that DS was not going to be the same as DD, and he took a lot longer to sleep through. We didn't just leave him to scream for an extra 6 months though, we just slowed the process down.

I do think I did the right thing. They go to sleep happily. I am happy.

SmethwickBelle · 04/03/2011 22:23

I think there comes a point with many babies when mamas and papas KNOW the babies are OK and the noise is indicating that they are merely awake and playful and at that point you think, no, I am not popping in with food to shut you up. So you leave them. For a bit. Some nights it is 30 seconds, other less indulgent nights it is an hour. Sometimes they settle down by themselves and other times we think it right to intervene. It is a moving landscape, no real rules in most cases.

petisa · 04/03/2011 22:25

4 months is such a hard time, with growth spurts and all. When my first was born I thought everyone in rl did cc but now I've found out that about 90% of the parents I know cuddled, rocked, took baby into bed with them etc. They just didn't broadcast it! As for me, I don't do cc, a bit of moaning yes, but not proper crying.

2rebecca · 05/03/2011 08:14

I think my sprogs were 6-8 months when I did the cc thing, and it was obvious then they weren't really thirsty during the night, they just used my nipple as a dummy, a couple of sucks and then drop off again. I wouldn't have stopped whilst they were still having proper night feeds.
By 8 months a baby should be capable of sleeping all night though and I don't see the point of depriving them of a full night's sleep.

MaryThornbar · 05/03/2011 10:16

Yes, most people I know in RL have done it at some point - some from a few weeks old (which I think is too young but that's just my opinion), some at 15 months or so. I did it myself at about 5 months. All the babies now sleep well and seem very happy.

Personally I wouldn't do it until you and your baby know each other, and you know that the only reason they are crying is that they are tired and are finding it hard to get to sleep.

It's your choice - only you know if you want to try it. If you do decide to go down that road, don't be made to feel guilty by the scaremongers who will tell you you are damaging your baby.

dawntigga · 05/03/2011 10:21

Never did it and would never advise anyone to do it. Babies have needs not wants up until about 1 year old. I know people who have done it and advised me to. I looked at them, smiled and said I may try that in the future then quickly changed the subject.

Babies don't sleep through at night, it's a fact of life and no amount of people or books like those of SheWhoWillNotBeNamed are going to change that.

IMO it's cruel but that's for me and my family only ymmv.

HatesCCandCIOTiggaxx

2rebecca · 05/03/2011 20:34

I do think you have to learn to sleep through the night though and self settling when you wake during the night is part of that. I see plenty of adults who have never learned to sleep properly either, no bed time routine, no dark room to allow melatonin to switch on, constant noise stimulating the braine. learning to sleep is important. If people don't want to teach their kid to sleep fine, but over 5-6 months I don't believe it harms babies to teach them to sleep through and may benefit them, and definitely benefits the parents and anyone else in the household.

LeggyBlondeNE · 05/03/2011 20:38

"find it impossible to listen to ds cry without getting very distressed."

And there you have it - millions of years of evolution at work! If it's going to be bad for your mental state to do it, then don't.

And I would agree that 4mo is too young; some time after 6 months they develop 'object permanence' and understand that things -and people- exist even when out of sight. Much easier for them to understand what's going on then.

NellieForbush · 05/03/2011 20:44

I didn't OP. Not until about 14 months. Even then it took many hours of crying to start getting slow results.

Couldn't possibly have done it at 4 months old. I would have been beside myself listening to it.

I did try at about 10 months. It was totally unsuccessful and very upsetting (for us both).

Four months is incredibly early days. Several night wakenings is not unusual.

NorthernGobshite · 05/03/2011 20:48

We never left dd to cry. I rocked her to sleep every night until she was 14 months old. She sleeps through and falls asleep on her own.

PrincessScrumpy · 05/03/2011 20:50

dd cried all the time when she was a baby and would only sleep for an hour max at a time unless she was on me and upright. I hated doing it but after 4 months of no sleep - and I really mean that. When dd slept for 3 hours in one go at 3 months old we got so excited but that was the only time in four months she managed it. Just after 4 months we introduced solids and started sleep training. Was really tough but in a week she was sleeping beautifully, just waking for one feed a night.

Not ideal but we didn't know what else to do. We would only leave her for 5 mins then suddle to calm her, then 10 minutes - never had to leave her more than twice so 10 mins was the maximum we ever did.

PrincessScrumpy · 05/03/2011 20:52

Ps. I love dd and am NOT cruel!

harecare · 05/03/2011 20:59

4 months old, cry for 2 hours???!!! No way! I live in real life and am happy to let my DDs cry themselves to sleep when all else has failed, but 10 mins max.
When DDs were 4 months they would still feed to sleep, but occasionally have a cry if I got the timings wrong. If they did I had to leave the room and do something else for no less than 10 mins. They would then be asleep, if they weren't then I'd try feeding again, check nappy, temp etc and find something was up.
Advising you to let a 4 month old cry for 2 hours is just crazy!

NorthernGobshite · 06/03/2011 16:48

Princess I don't think its cruel, different strokes for different folks etc etc! Grin

princessparty · 06/03/2011 16:53

I think most mothers can tell the difference between a tired cry and a distressed cry.I think very few of us would leave a genuinely distressed baby crying.

tinierclanger · 06/03/2011 17:00

4 months was my lowest point,it was hell on earth. Ds not sleeping was ALL I thought about. But it did get better and I didn't have to leave him to cry. I have so much sympathy for anyone going through this though. I'd never want to live that bit of life again.

atrcts · 23/02/2013 20:26

If your gut says not to allow your young baby to cry then I'd obey your instinct!

I was always told you shouldn't leave them to cry it out before 6 months and so have not experienced the same pressure you're under.

I would say that babies cry for a reason and I often used to feel that I never got to the bottom of the reason my baby was crying, no matter how hard I tried!

After about a month I gave in and gave him a dummy which worked wonders and tells me he needed comfort (but I never used it without feeding/burping/nappy change etc first).

I think probably the most important thing to remember is everything is just a phase and 'this too will pass'.