Is it just me or do most people in rl let their babies cry to teach them to sleep?

[plasticspoon]

Really, tell me. I just have no clue anymore. Mn would have me believe that CIO or even cc would be damaging to my ds, who is only 4 months old. And yet everyone, just everyone in rl is telling me to get tough - from midwives to health visitor to dh to my mum, and today the paediatrician who said he would only "cry for a few hours the first few days".

I'm just so tired that it's starting to feel tempting (well almost) and the message I'm getting loud and clear is that everyone does it! Less an AIBU than an AIBD (am I being dense)?!

I don't know anyone who used CC (I couldn't have done it). My HV did however tell me that I was "allowed" to let dd cry so that I could go to the loo / get a glass of water etc etc, that a couple of minutes was not going to cause any trouble. Looking back, I know she was right - my dd hated being put down when she was awake and it was hard to use a sling for the first few weeks post c-section. I struggled letting her cry for a couple of minutes, never mind letting her cry it out to go to sleep at that age.

However, now at 16 months, I find that I know when she is crying because she is trying to sleep (sounds like her batteries are wearing out!), in which case I leave her for 5 mins or so, or crying because she needs me.

My HV suggested cc when DD was 6 months old, but stressed it's a personal decision. She also said there was not much point in trying it before 6 months as it wouldn't work on a younger baby. They haven't worked out that you haven't actually left them so just carry right on howling to the point of hysteria. Which as she pointed out, didn't do either mum or baby any favours.

As it happened cc didn't work on DD at 6 months and didn't have a positive effect on either of us until she was aleast 12 months. I think it was done to us knowing eachother better by then- I knew when she really needed something as opposed to just crying/grumbling for the sake of it or being overtired, and she trusted me enough to be there for her and knew I was never far away.

I did the sneak out the room technique. First night I sat in her room near her cot, not talking to her at all. Next night sat a little further away, still not engaging with her. Each night got further and further away until I was on the landing with my Ok! magazine book and sneaked down really quietly while DD yammered away, thinking I was still on the landing. This worked really well for us and I don't think it takes any longer than cc does.

A few minutes for time to shower/ go to the toilet when DS1 was little (he cried a LOT in the 1st few months), but never left him to "cry it out". (Would almost throw him (Social services, please note I never did actually throw my baby, but there were moments when I surely felt like it) at DH when DH got in from work, as I was at screaming point myself.
I belong to the "whatever works for you" camp. If co-sleeping is fine with everyone, then fine. If CC works for you, then fine. 4m is (pace GF) a bit young for CC, I think. Try Baby whisperer (but rather annoying and patronising) or "No cry sleep solution".
I spent a reasonable amount of time (seemed interminable at the time) lying next to DS1's cot with a hand through the bars, patting his tummy to comfort him. Seems a distant memory now and I have 2 happy, attached, independent DC.
But if you're tired everything is sooo much worse. Try and give yourself some space. (and crying is never as bad if you get out of the house....)

No-one said this to me at such an early time-point, and I personally wouldn't do this before they are weaned and eating three nice meals a day plus a lovely lot of milk before bed (so 7/8/9 months). But, yes, in RL most people I know did eventually stop laying on their beds/breastfeeding to sleep, usually when they were ill with exhaustion and just unable to cope anymore. I do know a couple that didn't, myself whose dd2 just slept through by herself no cc, and my friend who was still up in the night age 3/4 years.

My own experience is that a couple of nights of crying when they are under a year is far less crying overall than trying to settle howling toddlers who can actually shout words if you don't sleep next to them for years. You have to do what you can live with, and what you think causes the least damage in the long run!

Interesting hardhat - I'm the other way around. Can't stand those who act superior as they have trained their baby - as if it was a battle of wills and baby is to be beaten into submission. Over the last 17 months, the one thing I've realised with DS is that he changes - one minute he'll self settle, another minute he'll not. Sometimes he'll need mento leave him to grumble and other times he wants a cuddle.

DS1 had colic early days and so I think by the time he fell asleep upright on us (1am ish), he was so exhausted, that we just gradually put him down more and more awake from 11 weeks, when his colic disappeared.

BUT, DS2 another matter. He was still waking 3 (a good night!) - 5 times a night at 9 months old.

We did a couple of weeks of cutting out night feeds, cuddling back to sleep / dh sitting next to cot patting his back / picking up if getting distressed / putting him back in before asleep etc. He was crying, but DH was sat with him, he wasn't alone.

When he was still waking 3 or 4 weeks later, we did cc. Took 10 minutes, 2 'checks' and he was asleep. Personally, I had to do something, everything else was being neglected, we were shouting at each other, not playing with ds1 as much as we should have been etc. It was a drawn out process, but at 10 months old, by the time we were doing 'proper' cc, I was ready.

I probably know more 'cc' mums (or at least leave to resettle / check everything ok and then leave to fall asleep) than not.

It really is horses for courses though Iggly. We're all in it together so rather than berating people for their choices leave them be and support them.

I've noticed how common it is for people to need 'permission' to put their child down or allow them to cry for a period of time while they go to the loo, or gather their thoughts, and find it quite sad that people are so scared by research and 'expert opinion' they won't follow their gut.

I used CC with ds. i must stress though that you know your own baby and when they NEED to be settled.
He sleeps like a dream. Takes his comforter teddy to bed with him and no problems.
Also got out of the habit of giving too much attention when he fell. Half the time the tears are there for effect only. you KNOW when they are hurt and need to be comforted. It seems to have given him more confidence in himself.
He's a lovely cuddly baby with lots of energy and confidence and i know i did the right thing.

i did

Dc1 never learnt to self settle and i spent 7 years with a child who was difficult to get to bed and most of my evenings up and down the stairs and a child who was tired in the mornings.

My sister did cc, as did a number of my friends It took on average 4-6 days and all the children now go to bed no problem and resettle at night easily.

Decided i wanted to give it a go with dc2 took 4 nights and he's been a dream ever since. We started with 2 mins and never left him for more than 5 mins to cry ( he cried for longer than this in the car when he didn't want to be!). The longest night to settle was the first and it took approx an hour second night 45 mins then 30 & 20 mins. After that he just laid down and went to sleep.

It wasn't easy listening to him cry but think it's one of the most important skills i've taught him so far. Some children learn this by themselves but some don't.

Personally having some evening time to ourselves and a child who has slept well for 11hrs a night makes us all happier.

By the way we did it at about 5 months some friends who tried it later found it took longer to work.

If you are considering it read up on it & make sure your dh is in agreement.

So my opinion is not everyone does it but some do it does work and i can't say any of the children i know whose parents did cc show signs of any damage

My friend, who had a two year old followed by twins, said that was one of the first things she had to come to terms with, that basically one child would be crying and she wouldn't be able to comfort them immediately. She was on her own with the three of them, and whilst feeding one, the other would start and so on and so on. She just had to get over it and realise she wasn't irreparably damaging her children if she didn't get to them in 5 micro-seconds of them starting to cry or whatever.

Patting and shushing and gradual withdrawal was what worked for us.
We did try controlled crying but it only lead to trauma all around.
A friend of mine was a controlled crying/Gina devotee, and it worked (sort of, with a heck of a lot of crying - way more than a few nights) eventually for her first two, but not for her third: he just screamed in a panicked fashion for literally hours. After some months of this she had to get a baby sleep expert in, who recommended pat/shush and GW.

Everyone thinks their own way is best, as with all aspects of parenting :o

Not at 4 months, they are way too little to be able to tell the difference between, the needing you cry and the being a little sod cry.

DS2 is now 11 months and I can tell the difference, so I do sometimes leave him to it if he is having a yell, but it is pretty clear that is what he is up to.

His favourite way of waking me up is to peg his sippy cup at me from across the room, and then yell MUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUM so yeah, that gets ignored.

He only just started sleeping through properly a couple of weeks ago, so I know where you are, it is bloody exhausting and I feel so much better now, but it gets better on its own.

Oh, I would have let them cry for a few minutes here and there while I had a shower or something.

I don't let DD cry, she's nearly 7 months and more or less co-sleeps all the time.

We will be a tiny bit tougher when she is a few months older, but the crying approach isn't for us.

Not everyone does it. I didn't despite my DH thinking I should - when they're small (and 4 months is small) they just need to feel safe. My DD wouldn't settle without me holding her - I was knackered. But she got over it.

Honestly I'm at a loss. What's worse, not giving your child the comfort they need or the decent sleep that's also vital to healthy development? .

I never did cc. I am a big softie an attachment parent and it just felt wrong.

My DD1 was a dream - slept 10 pm till 7 am from 10 weeks, all this whilst fully BF. Then, when she was 2, she developed separation anxiety and started waking up at 2am-ish and not going back down. I was very pg at the time and thought sod it, I'm having rubbish sleep anyway so I parked a mattress in her room and just spoke to her and reassured her I was there. It took 6 weeks but then she was sleeping through again.

DD2 was a nightmare, took monster feeds twice a night until about a year old. It was clearly not comfort or habit as she would drain both sides in 10 mins flat so was genuinely hungry. When she was a year, she started dropping off as soon as let-down kicked in (so not fun!) so I did pick up/put down and within 4 days she was going 8 hours too, so the time was right.

I just couldn't have listened to either of them cry and looking back I absolutely did the right thing for both of them, different as they were.

I wouldn't have even dreamt of it at 4 months, my God babies are so new to the world and often very unsettled naturally at this age.

My ds self-settled naturally until 12 weeks (we would put him down and head to brush our teeth and he would be asleep when we came back and sleep through.. ah, those were the days!). He didn't sleep through OR go to sleep without a major battle from the day he turned 12 weeks until a day after he turned 8 months. 5 long months. And then it was erratic. I could just about cope with the night waking but the protracted bedtime routine was just too much for me.

At about 13 months, one night I just couldn't take it (dh was away) and I just came downstairs and let him cry himself to sleep. It nearly killed me. I did this for about three nights (30 mins first night, decreasing to 10 and then 5) but I felt he sounded far too anguished and I just couldn't cope with sticking with it as he was so distressed even going up the stairs. So we changed it so that instead of leaving him I or dh would lie on the bed beside him until he drifted off. For the first few nights we had to pick him up, kiss his head and lie him down again a good few times but he soon got the hand of it. Now he goes into the bed and lies straight down. Bedtime takes about 10 minutes now. I am much happier that we don't leave him when he is distressed and we have a result. In time, we will move away from the bed I think.. that thing you do where you move a little bit further away each night, but not yet.

Last night, as I lay beside him he put his hand out for me to hold. I held his little hand in mine and he said: "mama". I responded "baba" and he just beamed at me, relaxed and nodded off >.

So, we did a bit of cc and cio and I think it made it easier as it was a relief when we "relaxed" the rules but it did help us get a bit "tougher" and take back our evenings. But this was at 13 months, not 4!!

Dd is a terrible sleeper. Everyone told me their stories of how they'd let their dc cry a bit and they'd soon settle down. It never worked for us and I just couldn't bear the escalating cries. But I felt like I was doing something wrong. There was never any moany low-level crying, it would just start very loud and angry and only get worse from there.

The most useful thing someone told me is that some babies cry to release tension but others will accumulate it. That helped me understand why other people's experience was so different from mine. Now I've got a ds who is more able to stop crying on his own and I sort of see how cc might work and not be as traumatic as I'd thought - but only if you've that kind of baby.

Plus he already gets way more than his rda of crying despite my best efforts...in the carseat, the pram, the sling, on waking if a boob not immediately available. He is a sensitive little soul.

Oh yes, and I have only met one person who has. She decided that at 4 months her daughter was too old to be waking up and stopped feeding her between 7pm and 7am. Reinforced by putting her in her cot at 7pm and shutting the door, not to be seen again.

Apparently she sleeps through now. I couldn't and wouldn't advocate that approach though, even though I can hear DD giving DH hell at the moment!

Also at 4 months, sleeping tends to get a bit crap anyway.

Do what you want/need to do, but I only know one person who used GF, and she did it from birth.

Some babies cry down for a few minutes before sleep, some panic and escalate - you can only "sleep train" the latter kind if you let them scream themselves into exhaustion.

My ds was an escalator, until about 6 months, so I didn't attempt to sleep train. Now he often grizzles a bit before sleep, but I could never let him cry.

Some of my real life friends have babies who cry down, but no-one I know has or would ever leave their baby to cry for hours.

Did CIO for initial settle at 2 months when he moved into his own room. The first night he wailed for 20 minutes, the next night for 10 and on the third night and ever since he's fallen straight to sleep as soon as he goes down. Never knew this was a bad thing to do until I came on here, it's what we were advised to do by all parents, friends, HV etc [shrug]

Both mine have been good at self settling, I mainly tried to put them down awake when possible and they would doze of to sleep. I didn't run to them the second they cried either, but would respond as quickly as I felt the type of cry needed. As they got older, if they were just doing a tired cry I left them to it for a short time, normally they whinged themselves to sleep, longer than a few minute and I checked to see that there was not a problem. Interestingly for me, ds2 was the worst at settling in the evening, cried almost constantly, tried cuddling, rocking in his rocker ect. At 11 weeks we went away and his bad evenings continued, slipping in and out of sleep ect. When we got home I decided to try putting him up to bed after his early evening feed, so about 7-7.30. First night he fell straight to sleep and slept until his next feed and so on. It would seem he had had enough of my company during teh day and wanted to be left alone!