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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really hate going to toddler groups?

199 replies

MogadoredMemoo · 01/03/2011 12:06

Am I some kind of freak because I can't stand them?

I Find it really hard to strike up conversations with other parents. I get all PFB over DD when anyone else's child snatches or pushes (even though she is actually my precious third born). The noise levels hurt my ears and I'm always the one who ends up sat doing the gluing with 10 other kids whilst their parents sit in the corner talking and drinking tea. By the time I get home I feel like I need 5 valium and a bottle of whisky

OP posts:
sausagerollmodel · 01/03/2011 17:39

I like them but then I have low expectations! All I want from toddler group is:

  • toddler has some different toys to play with
  • toddler does activities that would be too messy at home
  • toddler learns to play with other children
  • cup of tea that I didn't have to make myself
  • gets us out of the house, but indoors
  • low cost (usually £1 or £1.50 per family -compare that with the cost of soft play!)
  • somewhere to sit.
The following things are a bonus but I don't necessarily expect them:
  • chat with other mums
  • biscuits!
  • less awful than soft play!
TerrorFirmer · 01/03/2011 17:51

groups round my way can be some kind of endurance test. I've found one where a lot of newbies started at the same time who are vaguely on my wavelength and it's bearable. HOWEVER...

I went to one small group in a church hall when I first moved to the area. The main clique were not just distant but actively unfriendly. Dirty looks, funny remarks about DS. Week after week. I was Confused until a couple of weeks later the ringleader was absent and one of her cohorts shuffled up to me and apologised. Apparently absent ringleader had mistaken me for someone who had bullied her at school Shock and had realised that she'd got it wrong but was too embarrassed to come back and apologise.. WEIRD.

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 01/03/2011 18:13

They are a life saver at the moment as I live in a small flat with a very active toddler, but agree that some are horrendous.
My favourite has the gang of mums that know each other from the school gate-they don't talk to anyone try don't know.

I have started up a "misfit" gang instead Grin who lure any newcomer into our fold instead!

It is easier now Ds is older-I think at te larger ones when they are young toddlers it can be too much for them to cope with.

Op try a different one, or stick with for a few weeks. Things definitely got easier after a couple of months

MatureUniStudent · 01/03/2011 18:26

Oh we did that Sea - an anti clique but it was a bit of a failure as still no one talked to us or wanted to join our anti clique. However, over a decade on with a total of 10 children between us, they are still my best friends. So fingers crossed OP and others - you find your best friends as I did, at toddler group.

pigletmania · 01/03/2011 18:30

YABU our one is great. I dont drive and dd is an only child so it allowed her to mix with outher children. The children there seemed quite independent and did not need entertaining, there were so many toys to play with that they did not get bored. I met a few really good friends at toddlers. It was nice just to relax, not worry about the mess and have a cup of tea (yes whilst keeping an eye on dd)

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 01/03/2011 18:39

Matureunistudent :) I've certainly made vv good friends at baby and toddler groups, but have also left others in tears (particularly after tantrum after tantrum from dc1, when you want the ground to swallow you up )

Etalb · 01/03/2011 19:09

I can't believe how hateful you all are! Must say I'm no fan of snotty toddlers but toddler groups are a lifeline for many ¥any people and kids in town and out - and all those commenting of unfriendly groups of women you get them everywhere! Get a grip! Or maybe just a lump of brie and a cheap flight every wednesday for your snot free perfect toddler and bugger off to France!:O

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 01/03/2011 19:15

Im not hateful Etalb, you might feel the same way if you'd spent the last 6 weeks going to a toddler group and spent the whole session being ignored because the others have all got their little groups of friends.

OP posts:
PeachesandStrawberry · 01/03/2011 19:21

Exactly

I have decided not to go back to my local toddler group as I am sick and tired of being ignored.

I have been trying to make friends there, but I talk to someone one week and the next week they blank me.

BeerTricksPotter · 01/03/2011 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 01/03/2011 19:23

Just reading the leaflet we were handed this morning from the lady who runs it. It says they are going to limit the numbers and it will be first come first served! So basically I could turn up with DD all excited and then get turned away.

Think its definitely time to look for somewhere else.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 01/03/2011 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WestYorkshirePudding · 01/03/2011 20:30

I loved toddler groups and can honestly say that I met 2 of my best friends at a baby group we all went to when our first DC's were about 10 weeks old :)

We went to a post-natal group for new mums and yes, it was hard work for the first few weeks as nobody has anything to talk about except their PFB's but we gradually got to know more about each other and a few months later had a child-free night in the local Wine The rest is history...

6 years (and numerous toddler groups) later we see other socially, babysit for each other and are there at the drop of a hat if someone has a problem.

Do not underestimate the humble mums & tots group! Grin

Bearcrumble · 01/03/2011 20:46

There are so many where I live and they vary so much. The best one is fantastic, friendly a highlight of the week and only costs £1 but the one in the local church hall was truly depressing and full of really quite odd women (they seemed sedated almost) so I say don't write them all off because you had a bad experience at one. Try a few before you make up your mind.

solooovely · 01/03/2011 20:48

perfumedlife Tue 01-Mar-11 12:12:05
I much preferred taking ds to the art galleries . . .

Are you serious!? Oh yeah I bet your ds loved that! Walking around looking at a load of stuff he's not allowed to touch, wahhoooo! So much fun! NOT. What a load of pretentious crap!

MarylandCookie · 01/03/2011 20:53

I ca sit on my sofa with a cup of real coffee and only a couple of noisy kids to do my head in. Why on earth would I want to 'share' this experience with a dozen other harassed mums / noisy brats? Grin

Seriously, though...my idea of fresh hell.

Mare11bp · 01/03/2011 21:00

YANBU. They are dreadful. I went for DS's sake but I didn't want to talk about nappies and night feeds, I wanted to talk about when I was younger, went abroad with the girls and sha**ed lots of men. Or similar.

PepsiPopcorn · 01/03/2011 21:05

YANBU. It's OK if there is some kind of activity which gets people chatting, but the ones where no-one says hello to newcomers are dismal.

Tanith · 01/03/2011 21:14

I run a toddler group. DH (for reasons best known to himself) took a reading of the noise levels this morning and it averaged 80-90 decibels, with the peak at 105 decibels. So you have a point about the noise - I just never notice it myself.

Not good that you are left looking after everyone else's kids, though. I wouldn't like it myself.
Ours tends to be as thumbwitch describes - but a lot of us are childminders and we all look out for everyone else's kids and are prepared to deal with any toddler-ASBO behaviour Grin

PeachesandStrawberry · 01/03/2011 21:17

It is very soul destroying to go to a group and be ignored. If you run a group, please make sure that all mums are included and ok.

I left mine in tears today and I will be going elsewhere. I refuse to pay £1 to feel bad about myself.

My DS is nearly 2 and he is asserting himself. I have also had people staring when he has had a tantrum.

MerryMarigold · 01/03/2011 21:20

YANBU for hating them

YABVU for the reasons you give

I LOVE Toddler Groups. They have saved my sanity. I sit and drink tea with other Mums while my kids run riot, punch other kids, dribble snot on newborn babies and glue with other children's mothers.

I couldn't do without them tbh.

Tanith · 01/03/2011 21:29

We do have people looking when a child has a tantrum, Peaches, but it's more in sympathy and relief that it's not their child kicking off this time Grin. Probably every single mother in the room has had to deal with the same thing at one time or another - usually in front of us all, too.

Really Sad Angry that you should have been made to feel so upset at a toddler group. You're quite right to take your £1 elsewhere!

thumbwitch · 01/03/2011 22:15

I am starting to be really glad that I didn't go to any mum/child groups in the UK! Some of your experiences sound horrific and if I'd had them, I might never have gone to the ones here and I'd be a mental wreck by now.

MatureUniStudent - am also Shock that you got thrown out of Tumbletots! Although I have heard before that they can be run by pocket Hitler types very regimented, I guess again I was just lucky because ours was run by very laid back ladies and even if DS didn't want to do the things properly, no one really minded. If it's appropriate for you now, is there another group in the same area, or are you restricted to just that one? Although I can see you wouldn't want to give them any more money (it's not cheap either).

YorkshireCrockpot · 01/03/2011 22:21

I like them, mainly because it gets us out if the house for a morning so I don't have to look at the same 4 walls all day.

It's dry- park not too much fun in rain
It's cheap- a no pressure donation at ours
We all tend to chat to each other, haven't noticed cliques at ours
Look out for each others kids
Get unlimited tea
Get cake for kids birthdays
Get to make a messy creation to show daddy and put on the fridge- highly exciting!

Ours is in the back of church and today during singing time dd1 grabbed a toy buggy and hurtled down the aisle climbed up into the pulpit and wouldn't get down. Mortified!

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2011 22:26

PeachesandStrawberry - the trouble is, some can knock your confidence so badly you can't bear to try another one.

Question for people who go - why oh why are they so often populated by a gang of cows bitches unfriendly women who will not just at least be pleasant to strangers, even if they don't want to be your best friend?

I have left more than one in tears and I refuse to ever try again.