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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU WWYD Proms and Limos

238 replies

mmsmum · 28/02/2011 10:39

Hi all,

I have got all wound up about this and would like to know if I'm BU and need to let it go or if I'm right to be annoyed and WWYD.

DD is in her last year of primary and has her leavers dance/prom to go to (we don't have a date yet but I'd assume around June). Given that this is February I haven't given this too much thought other than thinking she can wear a dress she wore to a wedding last year, that she'll want her hair done and to go in a limo with all her friends.

So last week she comes home from school to tell me that one of the girls has invited 'everyone' to go in limos. Except she hasn't invited everyone, she has left out my DD, her bf and a girl with SN (there may be another 2 left out but DD isn't sure).

AIBU in thinking how dare this woman take away my daughters chance of attending her prom in a limo with the rest of her friends? They will all be going together and talking about their experience while my DD has been left out. She is going to go with her bf but a limo for 2 is a bit ott! It's really not fair that this has been taken away from her is it? She can't even invite another group of friends as they are all going already.

I'm also annoyed that the mum who has arranged all this is head of the pta. Does this make a difference? I think it does, I think she should have invited everyone and not left anyone out. Why has she done this in February about 4 months before the event, and is she the only one who knows the date/venue etc?

I'm really upset for DD, she'll still go and arrive with her bf, but I don't think it will be the same. And in the run up she'll have to put up with everyone talking about it. I don't know what the atmosphere will be like at the prom with so many going together and a few on the sidelines.

There is some history between this girl and DD but we are going back a few years when this girl picked on mine, excuse was her parents were splitting up. Since then they have been to each others birthdays. The girl told my DD that she and her bf weren't invited because they are too hyper.

I am finding it hard to believe that anyone would exclude a few girls like this and wonder whether I should phone this woman and ask if she realises what she has done and did she mean to do it? But then am I going to look like an idiot and make it worse for DD? DD's esteem and confidence has taken quite a knock and she isn't looking forward to the prom as much now. She has been through a hard time and it would have been really nice if she had something to look forward to

Sorry this is so long! AIBU and WWYD if you would do anything?

OP posts:

Gemsy83 · 01/03/2011 09:39

What a load of nonsense tbph- its probably the same people who go in for all this shit that whine about kids growing up too fast in the next breath.
I personally couldn't care less if 'everyone else is doing it' imo thats all the more reason not to. And in many schools 'everyone else' is getting girls pregnant/getting pregnant, but again thats another tradition I will not allow my kids to be getting involved in.
Seriously what is wrong in this world when 11 year olds expect to be transported to a school disco in weird and wonderful/fancy cars, and as for the people who've suggested hiring a horse and carriage- what the very fuck? It really is no wonder we are raising generations of self obsessed, spoilt materialistic shallow brats these days.

PlanetEarth · 01/03/2011 09:40

Found a photo from 1954... sans limo .

Anyway yes, we're all getting off topic here really. It's much worse I think than having a party and leaving one or two children out, this is a community event for the whole year and everyone should be included.

FabbyChic · 01/03/2011 09:42

How do you even know your DD will have the bf in June? That is months away, isn't a primary school child a bit young to have a bf anyway?

I would ring the woman and say I understand you have organised the limo's for the children, but you appear to have left 3 out.

Gemsy83 · 01/03/2011 09:44

And wtf a 'right of passage as they go into secondary school' why the hell do kids need a celebration to go from one part of compulsary ed to the next? I really am gobsmacked here...

Gemsy83 · 01/03/2011 09:46

Boyfriends, limos, white horses and famous people escorting them to a 'prom' aged 11? I feel like ive stumbled upon a bad episode of Hannah Montana (not that there was ever a 'good' one of course!)

NinkyNonker · 01/03/2011 09:48

I read Bf to mean best friend Fabby, not boy friend.

Flisspaps · 01/03/2011 10:08

Fabby I think bf here refers to best friend rather than boyfriend

SeeJaneKick · 01/03/2011 10:45

Planet that's irrelevant as it only pertains to Scotland....in the 50s dances were our equivelant of discos....they didn't make the same fuss.

SeeJaneKick · 01/03/2011 10:46

Yes....do as Fabby says and say it in the SWEETEST voice you can muster...then wait for her to bluster and stutter...DONT speak first.

exoticfruits · 01/03/2011 10:51

Great post Gemsy83 at 9.39am.
I am seriously disturbed by this thread-we should be ashamed at what we are doing to our poor DCs. 'Everyone does it' isn't good enough-people should stand up and say 'well not my DC!' I am so thankful that mine have passed that stage-I think if faced with it I would be inclined to run a parallel party in a sports hall-I guarantee that I would get the majority of the boys there and the girls who don't want to look like meringues!

SeeJaneKick · 01/03/2011 10:52

The trouble is exotic....tell that to a sad and insecure 11 year old! The majority do as the peers do....it's not right though and it is the schools who should stop this.

PlanetEarth · 01/03/2011 11:05

From earlier posts I think mmsmum is in Scotland...

mummytime · 01/03/2011 11:12

My DCs get a leavers BBQ, much more reasonable. Although DS1 decided he didn't want to go at the last minute, couldn't be coaxed to go and doesn't regret it. DD1 couldn't make it, was very upset, but we had to be on a train going to a wedding (I had asked them to do it any other night for a year before, but they wouldn't move it).

I am wondering if DS1 will bother with his seniors school Prom. Personally I would like them to use their creativity on their Prom dresses etc. rather than buy ridiculously expensive ones.

There is an old Fire-engine/limo you can hire in this town.

TandB · 01/03/2011 11:19

I agree with SeeJaneKirk.

I think the general consensus is that mmsmum is in a difficult position and that the prom/limo idea for 11 year olds is ludicrous. But for those posters who seem to think that the OP is somehow being pathetic for worrying about this, think back to your own school days.

How many people on this thread went through the experience of being outside the "in crowd" at school - even for a short period of time? And how many people can still remember incidents of being excluded from parties and arrangements, even years later? I was not cool when I was at school. It was 6th form before I even got a toe-hold in the cool crowd. And I can certainly still remember specific incidents, even 17 years later, after doing all sorts of cool things and being involved in all sorts of different social groups.

I suppose you can argue that it is the negative experiences as well as the positive ones that shape you into a well-rounded adult - I would never dream of leaving out 3 children from a class arrangement for example. Perhaps the mum who is doing this never experienced anything but being at the centre of the in-crowd. But the OP has to deal with this situation now and it could easily have a big impact on her DD's confidence and social skills and it is a genuine and worrying situation for her. She is not being silly. She is not being OTT. She is trying to deal with a situation that, to an 11 year-old, may well feel like the end of the world.

ajandjjmum · 01/03/2011 11:36

A fire engine limo would certainly be fun - and draw attention as it's more unusual.

Gemsy83 · 01/03/2011 11:41

Im thinking back to my school days. I didnt have a prom. I never went in a limo. I never got those god awful rip off hek-tik-tok shoes Clarkes did, which was a shame as I really wanted them. I survived, ive not needed therapy, ive raised a family yada yada.
I cant stand this 'oh but their peers...' nonsense as an excuse for kids to be awful spoilt little bleeders.

Original poster

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 11:55

There are some posters have been really understanding and supportive, thank you!

I really did not expect such fuss and debate over limos and proms, but it is interesting to hear all the different views on offer.

I have spoken to the school, they were as surprised as I was and although they arrange the dance they do not taking anything to do with transport.

She did say that this mum isn't the only one to know the date as they have had Mums phoning for a months asking about it! I imagine this must be boys Mums who are hiring kilts, yes the school mentioned kilts! (I've started a whole new debate now haven't I!)

They are asking this Mum to ring me and think that she will have intended to invite everyone and the fact that these girls are left out will comes as news to her. They seem to think it's the daughter who's just decided not to ask everyone. Only time will tell, we'll see if when she gets in touch with me

If there were awards for funniest post of the thread I think it would go to 'Why don't you put it about that the company who she has hired from have one of their drivers under investigation' pmsl

OP posts:

Original poster

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 11:56

posters who have been, not posters have been

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 01/03/2011 12:01

You must let us know when she phones!

TandB · 01/03/2011 12:01

Gemsy - this isn't a situation of the OP's daughter being a spoilt little bleeder and demanding all sorts of things. She is,on the face of it, being deliberately excluded from a social arrangement. I wouldn't imagine that it is an issue for her whether they are going in limos or meeting at someone's house to walk there together. It is the exclusion that is the issue.

It's not spoilt for her to be upset and want to do what the rest of her class are doing, and it isn't unreasonable for the OP to want her daughter included in what the rest of her class are doing.

Of course she wil survive. We all survived many, many things in our childhoods. That is not to say that it isn't valid for her to be upset about it, or for her mother to try to alleviate it.

My mum cried and cried when my hair went weird and fell out after I had a series of anaesthetics for a congenital foot defect. They told her it would grow back. She knew I would survive being stared and laughed at by other children. She was still upset because I was her child and she loved me and didn't want me to be sad.

TandB · 01/03/2011 12:04

Meant to say - it would be different if the OP's DD was badgering her to organise a limo for her birthday for example, just because everyone else had one for their birthdays. There is a big difference between trying to avoid creating a situation where you go along with things you don't approve of just because everyone else does it, and trying to navigate a situation of someone else's making that your child finds themselves in the middle of.

diddl · 01/03/2011 12:08

"They are asking this Mum to ring me and think that she will have intended to invite everyone"

And if the school have told her, then that´s all she needs to say, isn´t it?

"Good heavens, what an oversight, thank goodness you´ve told me"

Original poster

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 12:10

Hi kungfu (I'm so not messing with you!) I agree, school isn't something to be survived, you should enjoy it! Your right it is the exclusion that matters. My DD couldn't really give a hoot about a limo but she does want to be with her classmates.

Diddl I know, but what can I do?!

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 01/03/2011 12:13

Oooh GOOD! So glad you phoned school...good move! She won't want to appear like a cow in front of school....and it COULD have been her DD and not her.

Ahem. Thank you for my award....even though it highlights my slight tendency towards madness.

Original poster

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 12:20

There's another poster I'm not messing with lol

OP posts:

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