...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

[lifeissweet]

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

The more you post about this man LIS the more of a wanker he sounds. OK maybe he's just unthinking and unaware of his male privilege ie thinks you are 'making a fuss about nothin', but it's not impossible that he's the type of man that really doesn;t like women and therefore likes to date feminists as they offer a 'challenge' and it's an exciting long-term project to break a feminist down and put her in her place.

I've not read the thread but he's wrong about the 'no men would want to buy their DS a toy kitchen comment'. When DS was 2, DH and I bought him a toy kitchen for Christmas, and DH spent the whole of Christmas Eve evening (until 1 am) building it with my FIL. They both thought it was fabulous and it has brought my DS many years of happiness. He stores his cars in it now but occasionally will "make mummy an omelette"

YANBU

Being sexist and homophobic would be a deal breaker for me.

His attitude would be enough of a turn-off to kill any attraction, never mind whether you could bear to build a relationship with a man who holds these views.

What if your son (or his for that matter) did turn out to be gay. Imagine how supportive he'd be then .

YANBU - ditch.

Get rid of the homophobic loser.

his words regarding this and the not letting his son play with the dustpan - just makes me think that he doesn't sound very intelligent and liberal and is perhaps a bit of a sheep! Baa

At the age of 2 DC's are more likely to emmulate there mother until they gaina stronger sense of self.

My DS had a kitchen at that age and he loved it the same, I dont think DH would have bought it for hik or suggested it, but nor did he have said thats gay etc. TBH DH just didnt get into nitty gritty of parenting issues unless I raise stuff with him (he is hands on otherwise)

So having established it is not about right/wrong re toy its about whether you can accpet his view or are you willing to challenge them?

If they are high up on your list of values then challenge his viewpoint and present your own. YANBU to question whether a person who shares you n your DS life has the same values.

I cant help thinking leapords and spots...though re his attitude...

Plus anyone who stopped my DS playing with his beloved hoovers even now at age 5 I'd punch them right in the face yes right in the face not advocating violence re your issue though. FGS his DS is 2!!

My 4yr old has a kitchen and his cousin (boy) who is 7 is always the first one playing with it when he is around. I find it odd that people think its a girls toy even at nursery his key worker says they all love the home corner what is wrong with that?
Your boyfriend needs to grow up imo

You should certainly try discussing it all with him, but I wouldn't hold out great hopes of success. I, of course, hope I'm wrong.

Thing is, he has already said: "I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it."

If his ideas are so entrenched that he takes toys away from his one-year-old son, even though he recognises his son loves them, why would he change because his girlfriend explains her views?

YANBU. I would be ditching him in a heartbeat. Sexist, homophobic, little imagination, controlling - etc.

OP, your BF is completely unreasonable. My DS (3) adores playing cooking with all his and DD's wooden food etc. He sees me and DH in the kitchen cooking and just wants to be like us. He also loves cars and Star Wars and all the other typically boyish things. Your BF is very narrow minded.
Such bigotry will never change. You are completely right to seriously reconsider the relationship.

lesley good point. maybe leave out the sentence about Jamie Oliver not being gay then, and it just becomes a point that male chefs earn loads of money so it should be encouraged.

sometimes there's more power in what you don't say than what you do!

I Think this is just one in a many things that has popped up and as you have dismissed the rest it has all built up into a big thing over the kitchen. It's does come down to basic beliefs and the way you want to raise your children. The fact you think you family would think you'd lost the plot is very interesting. Is it your inner stepford wife trying to get out?

IT was probably an off the cuff comment........you guys sooooo over think things.

Maybe the Op is looking for a way to ditch him and this is the best she can come up with, to be hnest it is pathetic.

mrsgetonwithit - thinking that a boy using a toy kitchen is 'a bit gay' is a very odd thing to think.

This suggests, even as am off the cuff remark, that the partner is a very odd person. This would give anyone pause for thought.

it's always possible that the child is gay. how would he react then? i'd run for the hills.

Yanbu. You are right that these sort of comments or jokes only surface if they reflect opinions under the surface to some extent.
:(

On the other hand, I do think people can change if they want to change themselves. So educating him isn't your job, but if he recognises there's an issue, he could decide to educate himself and he may not be a lost cause.

I remember my friend when I was growing up wasn't allowed any dolls, cuddly toys, or any toy you might love basically as his dad thought they were all too intrinsically gay-making. Only tools and cars and lego. Last time I saw his dad I was pregnant. He calculated when DD was conceived and made some very inappropriate comments with accompanying "phwoar" noises and hand signals. In short, he is rather a knobber.

From a dads perspective, he's thinking x-box, he's thinking trainset, he's thinking scalextric, all of the things he remembers playing with - and wants to play with them again :)

What he'll have forgotten is that up to the age of 5 he'll have been dancing in playgroups in a pink floral with hat and handbag, along with all the other kids, and that role play would likely have secured his first kiss...

Both my boys have dolls, when they play with them, if we ask what they are doing, the youngest will often respond 'practicing to be a good daddy'.

Never a truer word said.

If this is a fairly new relationship, then he could still be 'peacocking' strutting his feathers to see how you'll respond, and showing that he has opinions (thought through or not... )

Step back have a , relax, and talk it through... as its fairly likely he's not thought it through (Gordon Ramsey, Marco Pierre White, Michel Roux, Brian Turner Jamie Oliver etc).

My boys see me cooking regularly, and are now wanting to learn - even the one with a wii graft.

U

Only you can make the call of course but his behaviour would raise a red flag for me. It's one thing to be 'thinking x-box' but quite another to ban his DS from playing with a toy dustpan and brush. From your own ex-DH, it sounds as if you realise that his behaviour is well beyond mere thoughtlessness and represents a significant difference in child-rearing philosophies.

Personally, I think I'd also avoid going down the 'my duty to educate him' route, because it is such a slippery slope into thinking you can change him (doomed to failure as well as morally wrong).

Ursusnix - if it is peacocking then, well, I have to admit personally I'd run a mile from that. Plenty of decent blokes out there capable of having a relationship without needing to puff their feathers and strut their stuff.

And not having learnt to cook at age 30??? Did he go straight from mum at home to wifey looking after him by any chance? Another red flag there for me, I'm afraid.

to me, it's precisely off the cuff remarks that would worry me: they are what shows you what someone really thinks when he is off guard- that's precisely what I would want to know

and personally I find peacocking totally unattractive- like hanging a big label round your neck with the legend "I am insecure"- definitely not sexy

Men DO think differently about these things than women, my DH made a flipant comment about why our DD who's 2 wanted a fireman Sam scooter for Christmas.
He said I hope she's not going to grow up a lesbian haha but I know my DH and we were laughing about it because thats just his sense of humour. He went out and brought her the scooter and made sure he assembled it for her ready for xmas morning despite the fact there was a part missing.

The point im trying to make is that although im not a feminist like the OP so my DH comment just made me laugh, it seems like most men have a little bit of this attitude in them naturally, it just depends on how much they enforce their views upon the child that is where the line crosses!!! IMO only of course!