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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

238 replies

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:30

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/02/2011 09:57

Lifeissweet, one of the things that concerned me about your OP, and you haven't addressed since, is that he says lots of things that make you go Hmm. When you call him on those things, does he dismiss you as overrreacting? Does he know you identify as a feminist? Because those things will tell you whether he sees you as an equal or not.

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 10:02

Sorry, Tortoise.

I have made it pretty plain that I am a feminist and do call him on things that make me uncomfortable. He tends to answer it with a 'that's not what I meant, I'm not sexist' or a 'I was only joking' or a 'no - of course you're right, but you know what I mean' (to which is the answer is usually 'no - what exactly do you mean?)

I am inclined to think that he doesn't see the problem and maybe it is my duty to educate him, or maybe I should cut my losses and let my feet do the talking. I don't really think I have the strength or will to plug away at enlightening him after 30 years in the dark ages, though.

OP posts:
mrsgetonwithit · 28/02/2011 10:07

MAYBE IT IS MY DUTY TO EDUCATE HIM

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

DUMP HIM AND HE WILL HAVE A LUCKY ESCAPE.

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 28/02/2011 10:16

STOP SHOUTING!

mrsgetonwithit · 28/02/2011 10:17

Sorry

ccpccp · 28/02/2011 10:20

Does your DP know of your militant feminist tendancies OP?

Show him your post at Mon 28-Feb-11 08:11:13 where you call for little boys to have their behaviour controlled for the benefit of little girls, and he may just leave anyway, saving you the need to dump him.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/02/2011 10:20

Oh, I wasn't chastising you for not answering, I just meant I was interested in that aspect!

The "of course you're right - that's not what I meant" response is alright, if he's willing to engage. The real red flag is the man who tells you you're being silly or oversensitive, because what he means is "I prioritise my right to make sexist jokes over your feelings". If he actually agrees that you're right, I'm inclined to change my mind and think, maybe it is just ignorance.

That said, if you're debating like this, I suspect you're not really in love with him anyway? In which case, why go to the wearying effort of persuading him that women are people?

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 10:22

I said that, Mrsgetonwithit, in response to a few people above who suggested he needs educating in order to join the 21st century.

Please don't shout at me.

OP posts:
pranma · 28/02/2011 10:25

My 2 dgs have an wooden playhouse with a toy kichen in it and they love it [aged 4 and 2].It also has sweeping brush etc-older boy plays in it less now but still loves helping mum and dad cook/clean whatever.Its a lovely present imho.

pranma · 28/02/2011 10:25

kitchen

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 10:26

Show him your post at Mon 28-Feb-11 08:11:13 where you call for little boys to have their behaviour controlled for the benefit of little girls, and he may just leave anyway, saving you the need to dump him.

You will see, CCPCCP, that I qualified that in a later post saying that, I hadn't expressed it very well and was, in fact, trying to argue that ALL children need to play in an appropriate way for them - whether that's girls playing roughly (which, I would rather describe as playing vigorously or actively rather than actually roughly, which would suggest someone getting hurt unnecessarily) or boys playing with dolls. I don't agree that boys should be given special dispensation to be 'rough' if girls aren't. That was my point and I did concede that I had worded it badly.

OP posts:
solooovely · 28/02/2011 10:32

Where on earth did she say that? I've looked and read the post with that time but it just doesn't say that to me.

cory · 28/02/2011 10:37

CCPCC the OP did in no way call on little boys to have their behaviour modified merely for the sake of little girls. Everybody benefits from being allowed vigorous play- nobody benefits from children being allowed to hurt each other- and it's quite likely to be the other little boys who end up hurt and frightened.

GettinTrimmer · 28/02/2011 10:42

What?? I would have reacted exactly the same lifeissweet.

Think about his good points though, you may want to carry on with the relationship, or it could be a dealbreaker that he's a chauvenist Hmm

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/02/2011 10:43

I wouldn't worry about ccp, Lifeissweet; he's proudly antifeminist (if you couldn't tell from the "militant feminist" crap).

solooovely · 28/02/2011 10:46

Is CCPCC just making stuff up?

CameronCook · 28/02/2011 10:57

OP yanbu at all this attitude would worry me greatly

Greedygirl · 28/02/2011 11:04

YANBU if you think his attitude towards the toy kitchen is indicative of his funadmental beliefs about boys and girls and how they should behave. But I don't think his attitude is unusual at all. I teach on early years courses sometimes and a lot of students struggle with the idea that they should encourage children to play with lots of different toys and not just stick to gender stereotypes (and most of my students are female cos caring for children is a women's job init Wink).

What I am trying to say is - people can change their mind/views. Do you think your DB is such a person?

MmeLindt · 28/02/2011 11:05

MN can be weird sometimes.

OP
It seems to me that the reason this is throwing up red flags is because it is a sign of the basic difference in parenting and political viewpoints between you and your BF.

It is not easy to continue a relationship when you are poles apart - the question is whether his comments were due to not thinking about it, taking on the opinions of his parents/family/friends (if he grew up in a very gender differentiated environment) or whether he really thinks that boys should not play with "girl" toys.

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 11:09

Thank you, MmeLindt. I believe that is, indeed, the essence of the problem. Ideological differences that would actually have an impact on day to day living if we ended up parenting our children together at some point in the distant future.

I also couldn't risk introducing him to my family and friends if he's going to come out with stuff like that. They'd think I'd completely lost the plot for being with him.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 28/02/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KatieWatie · 28/02/2011 11:36

YANBU

FWIW my husband displays very racist attitudes which go totally against my core values, we've had massive rows and I've actually driven off in the dead of night to escape it when I'm so frustrated trying to get him to see my point of view, threatening not to return. It's something we will never agree on as it's too indoctrinated in him from his parents/work/friends/Daily Mail and he's very impressionable (bless).

I realised ranting and raving just didn't work, and now I just make an 'innocent' comment that shows him how ignorant he's being and leave him to work it out for himself. E.g. if he's saying something about "them coming over here and taking our jobs", I mention that he wants to go live and work in France. It works a treat!

In your case you could try innocently wondering out loud "I wonder if Jamie Oliver first started with a toy kitchen he received on his 2nd birthday? Married and 3 children so I'm guessing he's not gay. Guess how much money Jamie Oliver makes a year!"

Good luck :)

lesley33 · 28/02/2011 11:39

I think it depends on what you want from this relationship. If you see it as a short term, not very serious relationship I don't see what he said as a deal breaker.

If however you were thinking that some time in the future you might live together then this is a deal breaker. You seem to have different world views which could cause difficulties in your relationship and would definetly cause difficulties in bringing up children together.

lesley33 · 28/02/2011 11:43

Kaite
Your suggested reply might challenge the idea that cooking means you are gay. But it doesn't challenge the idea that being gay is a bad thing.

solooovely · 28/02/2011 11:47

The we need to come up with new one's for the gay aspect. Anyone?