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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect nursery to wipe my sons bum at 4?

446 replies

reality1 · 18/02/2011 18:48

Son is 4 and just cannot get the whole wiping bum thing and panicks when his bum isnt properly cleaned.
He has said he cant have a poo at nursery because he cant wipe his bum so he waits until he is home.
I had a word with nursery and they said they are not allowed to they can only talk him through it.
The trouble is my son has quite an issue with this so instead of being talked through wiping his bum he will just hold it in.
He is only just 4 before i get flamed for wiping his bum this long and there are 3 year olds in his class as well AIBU

OP posts:
Catnao · 18/02/2011 19:40

Maybe what Shineynewthings said - I don't know - but I DO kow that years ago (my son is 10 in Y6) when he started going to nursery at about 2 1/2 whent the free thing kicked in - the nursery would not take him unless he was toilet trained. Which meant not in nappies, not perfect. I gather they are not allowed to do this now, but I took my annual leave from work to make sure he was. Boring fortnight of potty training. My childminder took him to nursery ( I was working in a school and at my then job in those days in prep for my teacher training when he was three). Son could wipe and use toliet properly at nursery at two and a half with the odd accident, and I assume all of the other (non SN) kids could too, or nursery would have refused to have them!
FWIW, I'm glad it's changed as 2.5 seems very harsh if they haven't got there yet.

sallysparrow157 · 18/02/2011 19:41

Trinity, if someone had just had a poo and refused to wipe their bottom I wouldn't really fancy having them sit on my stairs TBH..

schmee · 18/02/2011 19:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, even without your son's issues with this. I really hope the nursery can work with you to find a solution that helps him.

SilveryMoon · 18/02/2011 19:42

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, at all.
My ds1 came home a few weeks ago with soiled pants, I asked him where he had a poo (is at CM before and after nursery) and he said at school.
It had never even crossed my mind that they wouldn't help them at 3 years old.

My ds1 will be 4 in august and atm finds poo very distgusting and he panics if he even smears a bit on the toilet seat. No way is he ready to wipe himself.

I am a little shocked at the abruptness of some of these replies, there have been comments saying it's about time he grew up a bit.........4 ffs.
Am just shocked at the lack of helpful comments on here sometimes.

OP maybe it is time that both of us start addressing the issue with our ds's, and in the meantime hope that they are at home when they need a poo and someone is around who can help and support them in an area they do not feel 100% confident in.

Goodluck

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:42

i think you would have got more helpful measured posts if you'd posted in behavior/development.

hocuspontas · 18/02/2011 19:42

Well that's another thing schools seem to have to instil - washing hands after going to the toilet. It's only when children get to year 1, (when they actually want to waste time in the toilet), that they automatically wash their hands. Before that they just want to get back to playing! Eurgh.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 19:42

'scuse typos!

activate · 18/02/2011 19:42

I'm just glad I never have to toilet train another child

4 is my limit - although after the first couple I think the others just toilet trained themselves Grin

MissyKLo · 18/02/2011 19:42

Sorry for your loss trinity x

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:43

sally, obviously there would be a 'wipe your bum' conversation with a warning that they would be put on the stairs if they did not

when they refuse, you clean them up and put them on the stairs

they will soon try rather than have to sit on the stairs each time they poop

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:43

i also dislike that op is having to justify with more detail about her son

some people on here are just moronic judgemental twats quite honestly who would be better off playing sun bingo Hmm

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:44

thanks missy Smile

activate · 18/02/2011 19:45

lack of helpful comments?

what because some of us think that there's no reason for a child without SN to not be wiping themselves reasonably effectively by 4 and it is down to parents perception of what toilet training is rather than the child's inate abilities

just because people do not agree with your opinion that a 4 year old is incapable of doing it does not mean that we are wrong

are you only to enter a thread when you agree wholeheartedly with the viewpoint being expressed now?

LOL

lovechoc · 18/02/2011 19:45

I think it probably goes without saying that the OP has been trying to get her DC to wipe their bottom.

What a load of nasty folk on here Hmm

I have a nephew who is now 5yo and can't even use a toilet (no SEN) and so I think an issue of not being able to wipe is NOTHING, really. Give her a break, please!!

He will get there in his own time. At least he has mastered how to use the toilet. I'd probably have a meeting with the nursery about this - set up a date and time and talk to them about your concerns :)

activate · 18/02/2011 19:45

would that be directed at me Southeastastra

why how sweet of you

ROFL

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 19:46

Just read back the hole thread. Can't believe all this 'my dc's all learned to wipe their bums in utero' bullshit! Wiping your kids bums until they can have a fair crack at it themselves without covering everywhere in shit is a sensible course of action in my view whether that be 2,3 or 4 years of age!

exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:46

I have just googled it and it is as I thought, a child protection issue and 2 staff have to be in attendance which is very difficult for staffing levels. If I was a nursery worker I would be very worried about doing something so personal, alone in a toilet-much better to stand outside and talk them through it.

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 19:46

I wonder how Activate would have coped if one of her DC simply wouldn't or couldn't wipe? It's not your amazingskills you know Activate it's your kids and their development.

Mine learned pretty easily too but I wouldn't ASSUME that ALL kids could manage it with or without SN.

My DD can cut out incredibly well at almost three...but she can't ride a bike yet....is it my fault?

My 6 year old can do complex dance steps but she cannot blow her nose...I must be lazy then.

Hmm
SilveryMoon · 18/02/2011 19:47

I am not saying that you are wrong. I am saying that you are being abrupt in your replies and seeing as this site is supposed to be for parents to get advise and support, i just think it's a bit off a joke how people can be so rude!!
By all means, disagree and tell OP you think her ds should be able to wipe at 4, but there is no need to be so harsh and rude about it.

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 19:47

whole!!! must have had my mind on something else with all this wiping talk Grin

Catnao · 18/02/2011 19:48

I don't think I was being judgmental, just stating that in 2002, my son would not have been allowed to stay at nursery unless he was properly toilet trained, which I think is VERY young - but we all did it, and the nursery didn't object to the odd accident.
They all had to be able to dress themselves too - not laces and buttons, but sweat shirts and velcro shoes.

On a tangent, I am amazed by how many of the Y6/7 kids on my son's football team can't tie laces!! I blame velcro!!

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hocuspontas · 18/02/2011 19:49

From what you say, your ds has issues about cleanliness which is hindering the self-cleaning process. I would attempt to change the timing so he doesn't need to poo at school. Maybe by 10/20 minutes a day until he is well clear of the nursery 3-hour window. Maybe even change evening meal time? Just an idea.

activate · 18/02/2011 19:50

Children legally must be in education by rising 5, and many enter education at 4

the vast majority of families choose to send their children to school

schools do not wipe bums in general by policy - there is an expectation that children are fully capable

it is not a can't do it effectively one day can the next - it is a progression that needs to be taught and reinforced and encouraged

so our education system says they should be effectively toilet trained - it's not just me

Just because some people want a reason why their child is not doing it doesn't mean it's not because they haven't taught them effectively

exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:50

When mine were that age it was a simple rule, to have a place they had to be fully toilet trained or they couldn't start.