Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect nursery to wipe my sons bum at 4?

446 replies

reality1 · 18/02/2011 18:48

Son is 4 and just cannot get the whole wiping bum thing and panicks when his bum isnt properly cleaned.
He has said he cant have a poo at nursery because he cant wipe his bum so he waits until he is home.
I had a word with nursery and they said they are not allowed to they can only talk him through it.
The trouble is my son has quite an issue with this so instead of being talked through wiping his bum he will just hold it in.
He is only just 4 before i get flamed for wiping his bum this long and there are 3 year olds in his class as well AIBU

OP posts:
alemci · 18/02/2011 19:02

you can buy andrex which is flushable.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 19:02

He is at school, you need to teach him how to do it properly. Your responsibility, not theirs.

BettyDouglas · 18/02/2011 19:02

Equal ops mean they can't force you to teach him but almost all 4yr olds that I know can do so. My 3.5yr old has just learned in prep for nursery in September.

His Reception teacher will not be happy if he still cannot wipe his bum. Imagine if she had to wipe 30! It's all she'd do all day!

In a school nursery class their is likely 2 members of staff for 25 children so still unable to devote time to it.

ragged · 18/02/2011 19:03

I never got mine self-wiping until the summer hols before they started school. I never realised they were supposed to have mastered it by age 2.5yo before Confused. (2.5yo is when most of them start preschool around here).

musicposy · 18/02/2011 19:03

YABVU. DD was wiping her bum with kandoo wipes by 2 and a half. There's no reason why they can't be taught to do it properly - so I assume you still do it for him at home?
Sorry but time to make him grow up a bit.

activate · 18/02/2011 19:03

what's this girl bollocks?

not one of my children (3 boys, 1 girl) needed me to wipe their backside after toilet training - surely that's part of the toilet training process teaching them everything

continuing to wipe it for them is just naivety really

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:03

my ds had real trouble with this, i think a little leeway is needed and they could have kandoos or something to make it a little easier.

he can wipe his arse now Grin but it really was an issue when he was 4! (and of course we tried to teach him Hmm)

musicposy · 18/02/2011 19:05

Also, having taught in reception, children who can't wipe properly tend to be noticeable by the smell by the end of the day and it's really not that nice for anyone around them. Plus the other children tend to start noticing which can make the child uncomfortable. You'll be doing him a huge favour if you make him do it himself from now on.

portaloo · 18/02/2011 19:06

Maybe the OP's DS hasn't long been toilet trained, so is finding it a little more difficult since he hasn't had long to practice?

clam · 18/02/2011 19:06

I gather this has become much more of an issue in nursery (and reception) classes in recent years, for some reason. Teachers are having to spend time now, that they never used to, in teaching children how to dress themselves and use a knife and fork properly too. Not sure of the legalities of "wiping" a maistream child though.

Get him practising. Much easier all round.

schmee · 18/02/2011 19:06

Yanbu. Our preschool will wipe and we are gearing up to learn by reception. I think four for boys is about the right age to learn. girls probably learn earlier because they are used to wiping up number ones so have more practice and because they generally have better fine motor skills.

The preschool should also have told you upfront rather than letting you find out through him. He could have had a humiliating and unhygienic scenario (this happened to my ds age 3 at a kids club that took 2.5 yr olds and I was furious). That way you'd have geared up to teach him over time.

MrsGravy · 18/02/2011 19:06

I am a bit Shock at all these replies!!

It says in my baby books that a 4 month old should be rolling, a 6 month old should be sitting independently, a 14 month old should be walking, a 2 year old should be talking reasonably well etc etc. As we all know not EVERY child can hit these milestones at the same time. Why is bum wiping so different?? It is a reasonably tricky task for a small child with small arms to undertake. My DD was close to 5 when she could wipe herself properly. DS is just 4 and can't although I encourage him to have a try and generally just finish off for him.

It's also reasonably common for small children to have poo issues and for 'accidents' to happen at this age. Children come out of our school nursery with wet trousers in carrier bags from time to time. They 'should' be dry at 3/4 I guess but these things happen and the teachers are happy (well probably not happy but prepared!) to deal with it. I'd expect a little help from this even if the school are very keen to work towards him wiping independently as soon as possible. I definitely second the suggestion of sending in wipes. How long is he in nursery for? Could you try and get him to have a poo before nursery? Maybe try and avoid anything fibre-y first thing in the morning to he doesn't have to go while he's there?

activate · 18/02/2011 19:09

well I think its ridiculous for a child without physical or mental special needs to need toilet assistance by the time they're in school

and it wouldn't have happened before the last 10 or 20 years because parents taught their kids to wipe

now it's all oh they're not ready which I think is more to placate the mum and dad about their little baby than to help the child

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:11

well i think you're wrong activate :P

blimey can we try to understand that all children develop skills at different times??

apparently the most scary thing for a child to worry about re starting school/preschool is the toilets :(

ThreeIsEnoughForMe · 18/02/2011 19:11

Yabu , I would definitely expect a 4 yr old to be able to wipe their own bum. My children would have been well able to do it by age 3 or even less. I do know of children aged 4,5 or even older who still get mum to do it but tbh I think thats probably just laziness on their part!! (I dont include children with SN or other physical problems in that, obviously thats different)

activate · 18/02/2011 19:12

"apparently the most scary thing for a child to worry about re starting school/preschool is the toilets"

yes those who are not confident with toileting will find this worrying

which is exactly why they should have it completely sorted by the time

oh I give up!

exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:12

Reception teachers don't wipe bottoms! It is the parent's job to teach it-otherwise they will be smelly! (same with nursery staff and 4yr olds).

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 19:12

More proof they start too early in this blinking country if you ask me.

I think that 5 is a btter age and then only part time.

A 6 year old still struggles with the long day and some 6 year olds have a hard time wiping.

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:13

I get what your saying activate

the reason it an issue for them is because parents aren't teaching them to be independent about toileting before they get to school

MrsGravy · 18/02/2011 19:13

Oh yes, the new modern phenomenon of not teaching kids to wipe their arses, I read about it in the Daily Mail all the time Hmm

I could post a video of my DS trying to wipe his backside if you want proof that it's not me being precious about my ickle darling. His arms seem to short. He ends up with poo up his back.

Perhaps I should get him referred to some sort of bum-wiping paediatric specialist as he is so ridiculously behind his peers in this respect. Maybe he has a delayed-bum-wiping-disorder.

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:13

how understanding of you :)

they do start too early, my son wasn't ready

clam · 18/02/2011 19:14

My mother maintains that it's to do with "all these working mothers who think it's easier to keep them in nappies!" The three of us were, apparently, fully toilet-trained by 18 months! It was a non-too-subtle dig at me who had a similar problem to the OP with DD at 4.

Yeah, right, Mum. (She was a working mother too, although she appears to have forgotten it)

TheMonster · 18/02/2011 19:14

As soon as my DS hit 4, his nursery started encouraging him to do it for himself. They never refused to do it though.

activate · 18/02/2011 19:14

I shall resurface to say we're not talking about all children being potty trained at 18 months
and
there is a huge span of time before they get to school age in order to allow for differences in development

Kerrianne · 18/02/2011 19:14

Developement has nothing to do with a 4yr old not being able to wipe his own bum for goodness sake.

Mine learnt by calling me and I'd stand there making sure they wiped til totally clean. It really didn't take long and is nowhere near as difficult as the whole potty training process.

Swipe left for the next trending thread