AIBU to expect nursery to wipe my sons bum at 4?

[reality1]

Son is 4 and just cannot get the whole wiping bum thing and panicks when his bum isnt properly cleaned.
He has said he cant have a poo at nursery because he cant wipe his bum so he waits until he is home.
I had a word with nursery and they said they are not allowed to they can only talk him through it.
The trouble is my son has quite an issue with this so instead of being talked through wiping his bum he will just hold it in.
He is only just 4 before i get flamed for wiping his bum this long and there are 3 year olds in his class as well AIBU

buttonmooncup - like your post. LOVE your freudian typo! The "hole" thread!

my ex charge was still calling ME to wipe his bum at 6years old - he wouldnt do it at school and waited till we got home. I always said i cant do it as its 'his' job and he would do it, but soon he would wait untill mum or dad got home and he would ask them to do it.

You need to get him in the habit of doing it before you wind up doing it for 2 years more :) Nothing worse than sitting down with a cuppa and a biscuit then 'MUUUUUUUUM CAN YOU WIPE MY BUM PLEASE?!'

YABU - You really can't expect staff to do this

Teenybitsad you would be amazed at the things I have coped with

many of which were down to my crap parenting skills - many of which were solved by my learning how to be a parent effectively

some others were foisted on us

everybody deals with crap -I'm just saying that 4 year olds should be able to too

FGS activate. It is not simply an issue of the childs ability to clean his bottom. The OPs child has developed a phobia or sensitivity around the issue of poo and hygiene that goes slightly beyond the norm. I take it you would understand if someone posted that their 4yr old refused to sleep in the dark etc? In both scenarios an over- active imagination leading to slight phobia is involved. Why would you have sympathy for one situation and not the other? Children are still to a great deal developing mentally at that age. Perhaps you need to "activate" your imagination a little.

FGS Shiney

that was a drip feed - this thread is not about the OP's situation now she has said there are SEN involved

it has gone beyond that and there are others posting who are not saying it's down to a SN but down to short arms or not developmentally ready

which I think is poo

Anyhow...

How long is he at nursery for?

If he's able to hold it in for a couple of hours until the end of the day, I'm not sure this is such a bad thing. In fact, it is probably quite advanced of him.

I''m not medical so couldn't say one way or another, but I doubt it can be harmful for a few hours. Is there anyone on here who can clarify?

Good LORD I hadn't even thought of this
.
DD goes to school in Sept, she is 3.5 now, I still wipe her bum if she's done a poo.

Not the foggiest what happens at nursery - they take them from 2 though and do nappies so I imagined they were giving a hand if asked - have not spotted any skids

Better get on that one I guess.

Most of my friends wipe their children's bums at this age too from what I have seen. I think all the people saying this is OUTRAGEOUS TERRIBLE MUMMYING are being a touch harsh

"the issue to me is if you think that a 4 year old is physically mentally not capable of wiping that is your thought process"

Well gosh activate, thanks for clearing that up for me. Here I was thinking that when I could see my DS struggling to reach his bumhole and smearing poo all over himself it was that he wasn't quite dextrous enough but it was actually my thought processes holding him back.

Now I come to think of it these thought processes of mine have held me back before. I've often wished I was a tall, beautiful godess like woman with long curly hair, married to a movie star and living in a mansion. I see now that I am only small, plain and average because of my thought processes. Well no more, activate, no more!! Thanks to your words of wisdom I shall, quite literally, be a new woman. I look forward to waking up tomorrow, lofty and model-like, next to George Clooney in a beautiful barn conversion in the countryside. As I open my eyes I will be greeted by the beautiful sight of my son's clean posterior which he is showing me proudly after managing to wipe his bum all by himself.

I don't think there have been any unhelpful comments and frankly the most helpful thing you can do for a 4 year old is make them wipe their own bum.

If that means standing over him whilst he does it even if it takes 50 wipes then that is what you need to do because in 6 mths that kid is going to be at "big school" and bum wiping is an issue.

I have a DC in reception and one in Yr 1 and trust me they (especially the boys!) spend a lot of time on bum/poo talk and this includes who can't wipe properly/gets poo on their sleeves or smells. Unfortunate but true.

the best thing you can do before they start school is to get this issue dealt with.

ROFL at you MrsGravy

teach him to do it sitting down

teach him to keep doing it until it's clean

what's the problem with that

or continue to believe he's not capable because he's so very ickle - awww ickle babbby

too short arms - LOL

Listen activate whatever you think about it the fact is the some kids simply CANNOT do it. It's not down to laziness always...so "should" doesn't come into it.

i work in a kindergarten class at independant school

chilldren come POTTY TRAINED from 3, (36months)

we DONT deel with nappied or wiping bums, but can talk them through it

mrsgravy

that is a class post, very funny

hmm maybe my kids were just ab;e wihtout much from me

seems right cinsidering I've been dead for about a year

op, I'm sure nursery should be halping your son with ths as he has a phobia type issue with poo that most kids dont

as in if a 4 year old at his nursery wiped his best and went home with skids, probably only jos mum would be bothered

good luck with it, no help, afraid, I'm stumped

but I'm also stumped as to why my 10 year old will not sleep withot quite a bright light on

I think you're getting a really hard time here, OP. I have a four year old (four in September so older than most for her preschool year) and she still can't wipe herself properly after a poo. I have tried and tried to help her get the hang of it. We practise all the time, I make her do it first and then help her do the last bits with my hand over hers so she can feel where to wipe, I reward her for a good effort with lots of praise for really trying and what's more she really does want to be able to do it. But she hates the idea of getting poo on her hands, and it's nothing I've said as I always point out that it doesn't matter as long as she washes her hands and she always washes her hands afterwards of her own volition anyway. She's just a bit cack-handed (haha!) and generally clumsy.

FWIW, she is NT, reasonably bright (can read quite a lot, dress self adequately, count, add up, put her shoes on, hang up her coat on her named peg, write own name alone and other words with help etc etc) - she just hates the whole idea of getting poo on her hands, which strikes me as a perfectly reasonable position at her age.

Also, she is in a state-run preschool (stand alone, not part of a primary school) and she gets the help she needs at school when she wants to do a poo (pretty rare as fortunately her poos tend to happen just before bedtime, once a day every day). If they are allowed to do it at this preschool, I cannot think why they are not allowed to do so for your son. The help she gets ranges from actual wiping to someone giving her a wet wipe or two and showing her where to wipe but she has not been left to deal with this alone and there is no suggestion that she should be from the preschool. I asked them for advice about bottom wiping, btw, as they are absolutely brilliant, and they did say that these few months in a child's development between now and school can be huge in terms of the leaps that are made. Just because your son can't do it now, it doesn't mean he might not learn it in a few months, with plenty of help to do so.

I THINK its because you aren't teaching them effectively

there is simply nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise

they can do it

but for some reason they are allowed not to believe they have to

well they do have to in order to enter many educational establishmentss

tough

you can try walking away and making her deal with hersellf - shut the toilet door ttell her you know she can do it and deal with a couple of days of discomfort

tell her you will look but won't help - so if she wants you to check she can pop out and wiggle her bum at you - but she must go back and clean it properly

if it bothers you it is worth a shot

Well again gosh, what amazing, revolutionary advise. I simply wouldn't have thought of doing that!! When he gets to the point of being upset and not wanting to wipe any more I shall force him to do it. I will make him sit/stand/crouch/dangle/whatever for hours if that's what it takes. Actually I won't. Having had an older child with a massive poo phobia that took 2 years to sort because I tried the strident 'I will take no nonsense you WILL do what I want you to do' approach, I shall carry on teaching him and finishing off for him if that's what he needss me to do. Because he has SIX MONTHS to learn before he starts school.

this thread must be a wind up

Oh dear, DS is almost 5 and I am still wiping his bottom, although he claims when he will do it when he is 5. He doesn't have any developmental delays, just says he can't reach, clearly I am a lazy mummy. He doesn't poo at school saves it all up for the evening.

Some kids with no SEN (especially boys) aren't even dry at 4. Nurseries can't refuse kids for not being toilet-trained anymore (quite rightly imo as I don't think it's fair to put kids who may not be ready under immense pressure to be trained for nursery). So they have to have provision for cleaning kids. Just turned 4 is still very little. I know dd's nursery has no problem assisting the kids that need it - but it is Ofsted outstanding clears throat and hoists bosom
No way would I stand over a child and make them wipe their bum 50 times! DD wasn't ready when she was toilet trained a 2 1/2 but she is a 3 1/2 - what's the problem? Is it some kind of competition?

oh good MrsGravy you're finally talking sense

good luck!