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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect nursery to wipe my sons bum at 4?

446 replies

reality1 · 18/02/2011 18:48

Son is 4 and just cannot get the whole wiping bum thing and panicks when his bum isnt properly cleaned.
He has said he cant have a poo at nursery because he cant wipe his bum so he waits until he is home.
I had a word with nursery and they said they are not allowed to they can only talk him through it.
The trouble is my son has quite an issue with this so instead of being talked through wiping his bum he will just hold it in.
He is only just 4 before i get flamed for wiping his bum this long and there are 3 year olds in his class as well AIBU

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:29

welll I always knew that prescool wont change nappies so therefore they had to be toilet trained by preschool (3 and a half)

and that includes wiping

I will say that dd2 wasn't totally dry at 4

she could wipe and take herself there

but sometimes missed but then her dad died that year so hard all round

Ripeberry · 18/02/2011 19:30

Even if it means smearing his bum with nappy cream or something, so he gets used to the action of wiping.

Catnao · 18/02/2011 19:30

My son could wipe himself at this age which was lucky since he started reception at 4 years and 4 days with his should be in the year below late August birthday.

Not perfectly though, just enough to be OK and always had to wash his "interesting" pants!

Kandoos or whatever it is now would prob help as others have said?

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:31

surely if he can process the idea of waiting till he gets home to poo

then he can learn to wipe with your assistance

southeastastra · 18/02/2011 19:31

i'd love to see the list of what activate thinks all children should be able to do at by certain age - bet it's enlightening

Original poster
reality1 · 18/02/2011 19:31

RIPEBERRY i am trying to teach him but its taking time and he is getting upset and just holding it in which cant be good for him

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:31

I think it is one of those things where parents don't teach their DCs to be independent. I used to assist at pre school-3 yrs (some years ago)and we never used to wipe bottoms-it never occurred to me that we would be asked to. Certainly by the time they are in reception they do it themselves, even these days! In the same way they need to be able to dress and undress for PE, teachers and TAs do shoelaces, difficult buttons etc but they don't dress, turn clothes the right way round etc.

BettyDouglas · 18/02/2011 19:33

No to shoelaces! I know lots of schools who quite firmly say children cannot wear laced shoes until they can do their own laces.

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 19:33

YANBU My DD is 3 1/2 and has only just learned but is quite inconsistent. If she hasn't wiped properly and complains her bum is itchy/sore one of the staff will put a glove on and clean her properly. I'd hate to think of her squirming in nursery for 3 hrs because the teachers wouldn't help.

weefriend · 18/02/2011 19:33

Well both my dd and Ds must have dbwd as well. Dd was 5 and at school before she managed it, and not for want of trying from me. She simply refused to do it and I wasn't going to send her to sit on the stairs until she complied Confused. Ds insists on trying but like a previous poster's Ds seems to have arms that are too short and happily wipes his bum cheek and misses the poo altogether.

Shineynewthings · 18/02/2011 19:34

I'm an adult and still prefer to do no.2s in my own home. I will hold it if necessary and only use a public loo when i'm in distress. I have known people who have to bathe or take a full shower every time they do a no.2. And these are adults. So I daresay a child can be really freaked out by handling poo and not feeling very clean in public. There are always nursery and school children who refuse to ask for help when they've dirtied themselves for instance. Everyone here is being a little harsh IMO. O.P maybe a health vistor/doctor (based on poss SEN issues) can suggest some strategies?

ilovesprouts · 18/02/2011 19:34

southeastastra Grin

activate · 18/02/2011 19:34

OK SEAstra

think I've already posted my list but

bum wiping
clothes taking on and off

by 4

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:34

why wouldn't you sit her on th stairs till she did

if she cant be bothered thats a discipline issue surely?

activate · 18/02/2011 19:35

did that enlighten you

I am still LOLing at arms too short - genius comment

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 19:35

does anyone else worry about kids just turned 3 wiping their own bums and then washing or not their own hands and then going to play with the toys? They must get caked in poo!

activate · 18/02/2011 19:36

Trinity - sorry to hear about your husband

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 18/02/2011 19:37

thanks activate Smile

buttonmooncup · 18/02/2011 19:38

op how is he trying to do it. I only ask because dd's arms ARE too short middle is too chubby for her to reach around sideways. She has to bend right over and go for the between the legs method. Not sure how that would work for a boy with the extra bits!

Original poster
reality1 · 18/02/2011 19:38

ACTIVATE i do take offence at your comment that i cant be arsed to teach my son.
Son does have a history of being tested for autism which school are aware of and he was borderline. My son has trouble with certain things cleanliness being one of them and its not a matter of me just cleaning it for an easy life my son genuinly gets distressed and will scratch at his bum and scream if he thinks there is some trace of poo there.Yes he is physically capapable of doing it but he has some phobia of dirt and being wet.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:39

As a parent you have to take time to teach it all, especially how to wash hands. It is time consuming, but you can't let them out in the world expecting other people to do things they are quite capable of managing if time is spent on it.As a parent helper I would be very worried about being in a tiolet wiping a DCs bottom. I am past it now, but I expect there are rules about 2 adults having to be there which must make it very difficult on staffing if every time a DC wants to do to the loo 2 staff have to be there with them.

exoticfruits · 18/02/2011 19:39

toilet even!

MissyKLo · 18/02/2011 19:39

Blimey op you are getting some harsh comments here

I am sure op is desperately trying to get her child to wipe his bum but all of us with kids know how hard some things can be

Give her a bit of a break!

Have you told him that he is going to big school soon and needs to start trying to wipe his bottom? It must be very hard if he is being so stressed about it. I dont have any answers but hope you get this issue resolved soon

activate · 18/02/2011 19:40

Well I'm sorry you took offence, that was unintentional - I thought I made it clear that I was commenting on children without SN / SEN - your situation is obviously different

but the vast majority of posters who don't see it as an issue seem to believe their kids arms are too short Smile