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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect nursery to wipe my sons bum at 4?

446 replies

reality1 · 18/02/2011 18:48

Son is 4 and just cannot get the whole wiping bum thing and panicks when his bum isnt properly cleaned.
He has said he cant have a poo at nursery because he cant wipe his bum so he waits until he is home.
I had a word with nursery and they said they are not allowed to they can only talk him through it.
The trouble is my son has quite an issue with this so instead of being talked through wiping his bum he will just hold it in.
He is only just 4 before i get flamed for wiping his bum this long and there are 3 year olds in his class as well AIBU

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 19/02/2011 16:18

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IcingOnTheCake · 19/02/2011 16:19

Yabu. My dd would still make me wipe her bum if i let her but i say no and teach her how to do it herself. If she has had loose bottom though, i will help of course. But for normal toilet time, she wipes herself.

mrz · 19/02/2011 16:27

So what would you do with the other 29 children while you are wiping bums pigletmania ?

PixieOnaLeaf · 19/02/2011 16:30

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diddl · 19/02/2011 16:31

Generally though, if your BMs are "normal", it doesn´t need a lot of wiping, does it?

Is it that he really can´t get it clean or just thinks he can´t?

OP, is it any use trying to tell your son that after X amount of wipes his bottom is clean?

PixieOnaLeaf · 19/02/2011 16:45

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HappySeven · 19/02/2011 17:45

I still check my DS's bottom after he's been and he's 4.10. I don't expect anyone at school to do so and they don't but he does occasionally fail to do a good job and I see nothing wrong with making sure he doesn't make himself sore if I can.

I can't believe what a hard time the OP is getting especially as her son isn't at school yet. As someone else said, all children are different and learn to do things well at different times. I personally would rather help him until I know he can do it well every time.

stoppinchingthedummy · 19/02/2011 17:50

i havnt had time to read all 14 pages however my opinion is op you are NOT being unreasonable!!! My ds is 4 , 5 in june and still struggles with bum wiping!! When he started nursery school he was 3 and 3 months and they were not allowed to wipe so he would come home with a sore bum and poo under his nails!!! Shock :(

I am a nursery nurse and we have 4 year olds who can not wipe their own bottoms and of course ill help them ,what i never understood is why my role as a nursery nurse allows this but a nursery nurse in a school cant but ah well i had to live with it and try to teach him to wipe his bottom without putting his hands in it Hmm

exoticfruits · 19/02/2011 22:49

'I think lots of parents feel they are helping their child by wiping bums, dressing, cutting up food, carrying school bags, hanging up coats '

Exactly-they are not helping at all by doing it for them. They are doing it because it is qyicker and easier for the adult.It takes time-lots of time.
I think that if the school phoned and said 'Mrs X you need to come now and wipe your DC's bottom' a lot of DCs would be very quickly taught how to do it!!

A1980 · 19/02/2011 23:06

YABU

No one wiped my bum at school when I was 4 and no one will today.

As everyone said, give him wet wipes. Teach him at home with them. Stay with him and show him how easy it is. Just tell him to keep wiping until the wipe comes away clean.

He'll get it.

BubsMaw · 19/02/2011 23:38

YANBU, I'm surprised at the flaming you're getting here. I think it's difficult enough for some reception age children to manage wiping properly, never mind even younger children.

FWIW my DD is 5yo and still comes home from school with the occasional horrendous skid mark (TMI but relevant!). Developmentally she's fine in all other aspects, e.g. could ride a bike no stabilisers aged 3, write her name aged 2, etc. I think with dry paper it can be difficult to do a good job (depends what people have been eating etc!), remember in other countries it's customary to have the water squirty thing for this purpose. I still usually check her after she's done her own wiping. Reading through the thread though has given me some ideas to get her doing a better job, e.g. Kandoo wipes (I usually go after her with a baby wipe once she's finished wiping herself!).

pingusmumtoo · 19/02/2011 23:49

I have just read this whole thread from beginning to end .... what a pile of shite Grin

But I am quite astounded that whilst there is leniency in the ages that children do some things ... ie. walking, talking, reading, writing, there is none in toilet training / arse wiping.

Surely, even though it's a basic skill, children will get the hang of it at different ages.

I think it's very sad when mums come on here asking for advice that they are instead told that they are a bad/lazy parent.

blatnice · 19/02/2011 23:52

Against the run of opinion...YANBU, I am a teacher of a school nursery class and we are very used to wiping bums and indeed changing napppies. It's a skill that can take time to acquire and we would not want any child to feel awkward or unable to attend because of that. (It's worth noting that DDA means that children cannot be excluded etc because they are not out of nappies.) Persevere with trying to teach him of course but just wanted to say that not all nurseries operate like this!

blatnice · 19/02/2011 23:54

Sorry, took ages to post that - xposted with lots of you!

pigletmania · 20/02/2011 00:22

I agree blatnice, these skills can take time, even adults find it difficult, my goodness they are only really young children give them a chance. Just keep showing him, and put no pressure or make him feel bad op. Like toilet training, he will do it in his own time, I am sure when he is older he will not want skid marks in his pants Grin.

piprabbit · 20/02/2011 02:12

I started school at 4yo.
The toilets were in a separate block in the middle of the playground, and there were only two teachers (one for each class) in the school. Asking for help was never an option.

Oh, and we had that weird shiny, non-absorbent toilet paper to cope with too.

I only remember one child having problems - but he used to poo anywhere and everywhere, so there were probably additional issues there.

midlandsmumof4 · 20/02/2011 02:15

IZAL.......

CalamityKate · 20/02/2011 02:15

They all get there in their own time and even when my son was in Foundation his (wonderful, wonderful) teacher used to help him out with wiping if he had an accident.

I actually got a bit teary when she left, even though my kids weren't going to be taught by her any more anyway.

piprabbit · 20/02/2011 02:18

IZAL - thank you midlands.

pigletmania · 20/02/2011 08:41

I agree they will all get there in the end, its like toilet training some get it quickly some dont, but barring SN/disabilities, they wont be in nappies in their teens and have skid marks in their pants. Dont put pressure on them, just show them what to do, remind them, dont make them feel bad or stupid that they cant wipe their bum properly at 3/4!!!

rookiemater · 20/02/2011 09:50

Oh I remember that awful paper piprabbit, it was basically greasproof paper for your bottom and completely ineffectual,

Rhadegunde · 20/02/2011 10:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 20/02/2011 10:23

Can we link this thread to the ones whinging about hearing children read in reception?
5 bums x 5 minutes each every day is a lot of time that could be spent reading 1:1.
If it's a poo explosion that requires full scale cleansing and changing, then it's around 15 minutes an incident.

tyler80 · 20/02/2011 11:11

We had IZAL too, I'd forgotten about that. The area where I lived everyone started the September after they turned 4, no graduated intake, so youngest children just turned 4 and this still just wasn't an issue. We didn't have a teaching assistant anyway, so not sure who would have been able to help.

Dancergirl · 20/02/2011 11:16

Can we link this thread to the ones whinging about hearing children read in reception?
5 bums x 5 minutes each every day is a lot of time that could be spent reading 1:1

Far too early for formal lessons at 4 imo - look at our European counterparts, but that's another story.

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