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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

out of control DS. AIBU?

159 replies

excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:43

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

OP posts:
booandbump · 17/02/2011 18:45

I'd only start worrying if he is contacting the spirits of serial killers Smile

Ephiny · 17/02/2011 18:46

I really wouldn't worry about the ouija board, it's just harmless nonsense and a lot of teenagers seem to go through a phase of thinking it's interesting for some reason (though usually girls IME Confused.

The other things are obviously not good though, especially the smoking and drinking, you're definitely not being unreasonable. Do you know how he's getting the cigaretes if you've stopped his pocket money?

reinitindear · 17/02/2011 18:47

Fistly I would say that the smoking and drinking were the biggie not the ouija board as they are the things likely to cause him harm.Take his x box and tv away and make him earn them back through behaviour and respect.Discipline is nothing to do with size but if you have not instilled it into him by now then it s a big hurdle to get over but is possible.And of course yanbu to want him to stop.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:47

I don't mind who he contacts in other peoples houses just not in mine. he thinks I'm a saddo tho for not allowing it in my house.
Would a proper ouija board be better than a homemade one do you think?
Will it be safer doing it in my house if it was a proper one?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 17/02/2011 18:49

Hmm thought this was a genuine post for a minute there.

Biscuit
Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:49

ephiny, he gets them from mates at school etc. he steals money i think too although i have no proof.
reinitindear - he has been smoking and drinking for 3yrs now (that i know of)
i can't discipline him. he has almost pushed me down the stairs once already

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2011 18:49

How is he managing to buy alcohol and cigarettes with no pocket money?

Make sure he can't get access to money and give him a packed lunch for school.

BuzzLiteBeer · 17/02/2011 18:50

What are you doing fixating on a ouija board? Hmm

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2011 18:51

get a police officer or pcso to come round and have a word. You cannot allow him to abuse you so you have to take control.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:52

laurie, he gets free school meals.
buzz, they are dangerous not only to him but my other children.

is there a way that I can get to the last post on these threads without scrolling through all posts please

OP posts:
Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:53

Laurie when he was arressted at 10yr old, the policeman wasnt even allowed to shout at him (i told the copper to) as kids have rights

OP posts:
Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wellwisher · 17/02/2011 18:53

Ouija boards are not real. There is no spirit world, or at least not one that makes itself available to a 13-year-old lad mucking about with his friends. Any "contact with the other side" comes from someone on the board moving the pointer, and this can easily happen unconsciously because the users want to see something happen. Do not worry about the ouija board!

You need to sort out your priorities: drinking and smoking are the issues here. Where is he getting the money and who is buying him booze and fags?

Is his dad in his life? If not, does he have any other decent men to look up to? if his only male role models ae older teenage boys who drink and smoke then it's pretty clear where the problems stem from. Sad

reinitindear · 17/02/2011 18:53

If he is physically attacking you then call the police he needs a shock.Let go of the ouija board thing go it is a stupid harmless game and frankly the least of your worries.I am doubting the truthfulness of this post though tbh.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2011 18:53

And take his x-box out his room at 9pm. If he gives you grief and you are scared give it back and then sell it the next day when he is at school (or hide it at a friends). He has to then behave to win it back - and agree to only use it for a couple of hours a day.

you need to assert control.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2011 18:55

He doesn't have any right to assault you - it's your house, kick him out til he behaves, contact social services, get him any help he needs.

BuzzLiteBeer · 17/02/2011 18:56

bits of wood with letters on them are not dangerous. Smoking and drinking are dangerous.

If you are for real you need to rethink your priorities here, and get outside help.

Aims80 · 17/02/2011 18:56

Is this for real? I guess I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it is.

What did you do when you knew your son was smoking at 10 years of age? Why has he still got a tv and xbox if he's doing these things? Where is he getting the money? You need to get tough with him. Forget the ouji nonsense it's completely irrelevant.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:56

well wisher. he hasnt seen his dad for a year now, and before that he was abusive. so I am all my son has. i get no help from family. I don't know who is buying him the booze and cigs. I have tried following him when he is out, but with a 7yr old in tow, it's not always possible.
I didn't realise CAMHS would get involved with stuff like this. I will call them tomorrow - thanks

OP posts:
stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 18:58

Whilst everyone here is saying about ouija boards being rubbish/not real etc etc I would be the same as you.
Ghosts are something you either believe in or you don't and personally, I would not want one being used in my house.

With regards to the other behaviour, if it was me, I would throw him out if he refused to behave.

The things you are asking him not to do are hardly unreasonable and whilst he is in your house he has to respect your rules.

wayoftheworld · 17/02/2011 19:05

It looks like your son has a lot of time in his hands and nothing to inspire him. Get him involved in sports, clubs, cadets groups.

Don't give up as a parent! I understand that you are exasperated, but your son needs guidance and support.

elmofan · 17/02/2011 19:07

So he's been drinking & smoking since he was 10yrs old Hmm
As a mum of a 12yr old ds i know they can be very hard work at this age but if you dont get some sort of control over your ds now how are you going to cope with him when he is older and stronger & he is setting a very bad example to your other dc's tbh

Alouiseg · 17/02/2011 19:10

As for the xbox, either turn the router off or flip the fuse switch off.

He cannot by booze or fags without money and he can't access anything if he's not allowed out of the house.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:11

wayoftheworld - he does gymnastics and rock climbing each sunday.
i do blame myself for his behaviour. his 2 sisters are special needs and I think my time gets taken over with the youngest especially.

I can't afford for him to go to more 'out of school' groups

OP posts:
Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:14

personally i think the drinking and smoking started when i kicked his dad out. he was arressted a few months after that too. him and my eldest girl had to have counselling because of the DV and hes been a bit wild since then.

Can kids be born 'bad' or am I being daft?
It must be something I have or have not done.

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