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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

out of control DS. AIBU?

159 replies

excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:43

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

OP posts:
reinitindear · 17/02/2011 19:19

I would like to apologise for doubting your honesty op I do want to say again though you must take away his x box and television and make him earn them back.If he is violent towards you outside help is vital whether that takes the form of social services, CAHMS or the police.

wayoftheworld · 17/02/2011 19:24

He should be helping you around the house- create a system where when he is helpful he gets his xbox back or even money ( although if he has a problem with smoking giving money is not a good idea!!).

It feels to me that you need outside help to be stronger to put down few rules for all the family to abide to. And if you have been battling with this for the last two years, you must be tired - at least I would be. Are you on frendly terms with your DS son, or your father or some other positive male influence that can step in to take some of the pressure of you??

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:24

no worries reinitindear :)

i just feel at the end of my tether some days.
he can be a good kid when he wants to be. but tell him what to do and thats when he hates me.

I asked my mam for help with him and was told 'I managed 3 of you as a single parent'

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 19:24

Hmm well. Don't follow the advise of whoever that was upthread who advocated chucking your clearly damaged THIRTEEN year old son out. FFS.

You need help. Now. The smoking and drinking at this age is appalling and you CAN do something about it. You MUST.

Start with your GP. tomorrow morning.

Maryz · 17/02/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:26

wayoftheworld - sadly my dad died 7yrs ago. my son adored him and loved spending time with him. its just all since the ex left it seems.
maybe i should have stayed with his dad. maybe he hates me for kicking him out

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:28

Jesus Christ....you couldn't stop a ten yr old smoking, love to know where the fuck he was when he started...

Confiscate or sell the Xbox and TV, he should not under any circs have those in his room.

Ouji game was invented by Warner....it's a bag of shit and meaningless.

You pay the bills, he has to conform.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:28

i will def phone CAMHS and GP tomorrow.
school are no good. they actually phoned me last friday to ask permission to put my son into seclusion. when in seclusion on monday, he was given cups of coffee and sweets Confused

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/02/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wayoftheworld · 17/02/2011 19:30

Dont kill yourself over things that you cant change any more...I really feel that you are in a cul de sac and needs smb else to come and give you a break for a while..

It might be worth looking around your family or friends for smb to step in and give you a hand...or ask outside help like GP or SS. But I would try smth at a smaller scale first , maybe school teacher!

RMCW · 17/02/2011 19:30

Its not your fault but I dont see how he has an x box etc if his behaviour is so bad????

Take them away. He needs to understand that bad behaviour has consequences.

If he has been drinking and smoking since he was 10 he needs help from a GP or CAHMS.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:31

Where is this child doing all this stuff? 10pm during the week should be bedtime.

Honestly you have made some big arsed mistakes and will be visiting him in prison within five years or he'll be smacked out somewhere unless you take charge now.

I would sit down tonight and write a plan of action. Write a list of what you expect of him and punishments if this isn't met.

I would strip his room bare, he can earn shit back when he's nice. NO TV or XBOX in the room....bed at 10pm during the week, in his room by nine where he can read or do something creative.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:32

thankyou. how do i shift this thread to another place?

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:32

You don't take the stuff when he's there you wait until he's at school and give him the surprise with a list of rules when he gets homw....thnink of this as your own 'shock and awe'.

Choufleur · 17/02/2011 19:33

Take his Xbox away. Do it while he's at school and go and give it to someone else to look after so that he can't just get it back. He can't play it if it's not there.

Try to get him doing some sort of activity. What does he like doing?

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:33

excited...you can do this, we can listen to when things fuck up.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:34

Definitely hide it at someone's house.

RMCW · 17/02/2011 19:35

What posie said.

Leave the bare minimum in his room that he needs. If he behaves better/tries harder he gets something back.

I know it sounds harsh, but it works.

At the moment there are no consequences to his dreadful behaviour.

Make some.

RMCW · 17/02/2011 19:36

sorry x posted with posie

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:36

thankyou for listening and the advice about CAMHS etc.
I am trying my best to bring them up but its hard (their dad didnt do much when he was here)
but im gonna try harder and get the help we all need

OP posts:
stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 19:36

ShirleyKnot Not just me who advocated throwing him out dear!

Each to their own but i would not put up with such disrespectful berhaviour if he has already been asked to change and I know many, many people who would take the same stance as me.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:36

choufleur - he does gymnastics and rock climbing once a week

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 19:37

Wait, wait! We're not talking about a 'normal' 13 year old child here are we? He's clearly having some psychological problems, he's drinking and smoking and being violent.

I really, really think that the op should get some appropriate professional help before embarking on some kind of "shock and awe" here. She is vulnerable and is also caring for other children in the home.

slipperandpjsmum · 17/02/2011 19:37

I have a 14 year old and also work with teenagers.

If you are thinking about him being born bad he will pick up on this. Take him out for a pizza and try to rebuild your relationship. It sounds like he has been through alot and needs support and understanding. Approach it very slowly, rather than tackling the problems the first time you spend time together. Start to try to see all the positives in him (and there will be lots) but during difficult times with teens its easy to lose sight of them.

But before you can start to address anything spend time developing the good relationship and working on the lines of communication you seem to have lost along the way.

I have no doubt his Dad leaving and his behaviour prior to leaving the family home have had an impact upon your son's behaviour. He will be struggling to make sense of what has happened. All behaviour is a form of communication.

This is not your fault we all have bumps on the road of parenting.

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.