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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

out of control DS. AIBU?

159 replies

excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:43

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

OP posts:
ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 21:49

I do envy you both Altikum and LED; have been working towards traininga s a SW for eyars, get my MA in Autism soon (years spent with homestart in paid role as well) but the Uni I coudl attend can no longer help with fees so have to do PGCE- will enjoy that but still a bit Sad as I know I could make a difference.

C'est la vie: will enjoy SEN teaching too.

ledkr · 17/02/2011 21:50

Im on mat leave but am doing adoption support,bit boring tho,back to c.i.n.if i can.Will be about a hundred tho by the time i retire if they keep moving the age Grin

schmee · 17/02/2011 21:50

I wonder how many people here smoked and drank at 13? And played with ouija boards? And ignored their parents when told to stop.

I'm not saying the behaviour's ok, but to say that he will necessarily be in trouble with the police, or that he should go into care is pretty ridiculous in response to the OP.

Taking him to the GP sounds like a good idea to help with the smoking. I'm sorry I don't have more advice than that.

Keeping up the conversation and agreeing some reasonable boundaries with him also might be an idea. Also talking to the school if he is playing up there and seeing what strategies they are using there to help him improve his behaviour.

But don't panic - I'm sure there must be plenty of us here who behaved like that at a similar age and we've turned out alright in the end.

ledkr · 17/02/2011 21:52

scram good luck with that,if not there are some great openings for sw assisstants.more hands on with the clients and less paperwork.

cory · 17/02/2011 21:54

Hatesponge, take comfort in the thought that there's really only one poster saying "kick out the child". And that is a poster who on her own admission has a 2yo, and no experience of dealing with the siblings of children with SN.

So, Stressed, if you kick your 10yo out when he refuses to obey what are you going to do when the police turn up on your doorstep and charge you with neglect? Because the view they will take is that you are responsible for keeping this child safe and warm and looked after.

TarkaLiotta · 17/02/2011 21:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 17/02/2011 21:57

She's gone i think,to fluff up the teddies and stack nappies,no flippin idea.

GypsyMoth · 17/02/2011 21:57

stressedanddepressed..........how would that work?? chucking him out? there is nowhere for them to go,you'd be prosecuted for child abandonment....going through this with my dd

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 21:58

Thanks led- who knows, might find funding yet.

Siblings of chidlren with Sn have specific needs: research proves this and there may well be a support group near you. Children with DV experience often need intensive input. Poor kid to have the two combined.

ledkr · 17/02/2011 21:58

tarka they have pulled the funding here for youth services lets hope its available.

cory · 17/02/2011 22:04

I have gone through a lot of difficulties with two children with disabilities and their effect on each other. One thing I found was that though the CAHMS waiting list was wrong, the school/youth services were able to speed things up by getting in touch with them.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 22:04

ok have just had a chat with son. he came downstairs and caught me crying so i told him im fed up of all the shit and cant cope. he listened to what i had to say then he spoke.
we have knocked a half hour off xbox/PC time on a night (for now)
i told him no cigs in the house at all and i was going to tell CAMHS and the GP about it all as we need help. he told me he doesnt even like the cigs, he does it to annoy me more than anything.
he says he needs a break from the girls now and again as hes fed up of them and me at times. i have warned him this is the final chance as i know that CAMHS will do something so he has untill i see them to try and calm down a bit.

id like to make it clear tho he has only been arressted once at 10yr old for a typical childhood antic that most kids do. and the time he almost pushed me down the stairs was because i tried to drag him up them.

i think having monday night 'off' will give us both the break we need

OP posts:
altinkum · 17/02/2011 22:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 17/02/2011 22:06

Going back to the op's situation, Excited - the smoking and drinking probably do fall within the range of normal teenage behaviour (albeit given his age when he started, at the rather extreme end) but the violence towards you does not. You've mentioned elsewhere that your ex was violent. I've known a couple of women in circumstances similar to yours - in both cases, the son's violence was learned behaviour: learned from the violent ex partner. So your son wasn't "born bad" but has learned unacceptable behaviour.

If I'm right about this, then this behaviour is a lot more serious an issue than can be tackled by taking away his x-box as punishment, or positive reinforcement strategies like "talk about his good points over a pizza" (not that these may not play a part once you've tackled the root problems). You will almost certainly need professional help - social services, CAHMS, etc (and it may take quite a lot of pushing - one of the women I mentioned above found SS and the NHS passing the buck back and forth because neither wanted to pay for intervention, and she only got help by involving the police - not an ideal outcome, but she was at the end of her tether by then).

And remember that the person to blame in all this is your violent ex partner. You are not a bad mother because he fucked you and your son up; your son was not born bad, he has been shown a bad example of what it is to be a man by your ex. Your ex is the person who chose to be violent towards you, and to model violent behaviour in front of his son.

Can I also second the suggestion made up thread to get this moved from AIBU to relationships?

(And please can I ask other posters to refrain from making any fatuous "well why did she choose to stay with him" comments - abused women often end up suffering from a form of Stockholm syndrome which means that they cannot rationally assess their situation, and end up staying in abusive relationships because the abuser has mentally tortured them to the extent that the victims can no longer see that they are worthwhile human beings who deserve better - the OP is to be applauded for escaping for her ex).

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 22:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 17/02/2011 22:11

Sorry Excited, seem to have cross posted with you. Glad to see you've had a constructive conversation with your son, and that you're both going to seek help.

Good luck with it all. As I mentioned, I have been involved with this - one of the women I mentioned was a close relative (now sadly no longer with us), and I am still in touch with her son. He still has some problems but has made enormous efforts to turn his life around and is a real credit to her efforts to care for him (and to himself - he has worked enormously hard). It is a really difficult time for you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it sounds like your son wants to change the situation for the better too, which is really positive.

JamieLeeCurtis · 17/02/2011 22:12

sorry - have nt read whole thread. The oiuja board is the "biggie" ???????

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 22:16

he has said sometimes he needs to be the man of the house

yes jamie. most kids smok and drink at some point. so the ouija seemed bad to me. i havent really discussed that with him over our chat. but feel that by not losing my rag with him tonight (he seems to thrive on that) i have got him to realise how crap i feel.

he even made me a coffee

OP posts:
onceamai · 17/02/2011 22:31

Glad it's sounding a bit better now excited. Keep posting and coming back for support and encouragement every time you need it. Remember always that you are doing your best, the circumstances are tough but you love them to bits and they, in their own funny adoloscent and childish way, love you to bits too.

Hugs - sleep well.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 22:33

to whoever asked if i get support regarding my DDs - no i dont. eldest isnt as 'bad' as the youngest and copes reasonably well.
regarding youngest, we moved schools last year and finally people (school, paed etc) are starting to listen to us and agree she may be on the spectrum. my life is taken up so much by the youngest.
my sister is the only one who will (rarely) have the girls overnight but even she says youngest is 'fucking nuts' so i dont really like them going, but feel both son and myself need a night off

OP posts:
Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 22:33

thanks onceamai, i best get off as who knows when youngest will be up Confused

OP posts:
Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 22:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 22:45

CSA is finally getting sorted £11 per week per child

we will be fine. i will keep posting here when i need advice and maybe help others. i think i just needed to get a few things off my chest and obviously he did too

def gone now. thankyou all for the input

OP posts:
boohoohoo · 17/02/2011 22:46

excited I really feel for you and glad that your getting some good advice here, for those who are saying chuck him out remember many many youngsters loose their way at some point and put their parents through hell but most of them do come through it and are eternally grateful to their parents for standing by them, strengthening their relationships.

Really glad that hes come and sat and talked to you, thats really positive.

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.