out of control DS. AIBU?

[excited1]

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

I think his issues stem from your DD's SENs.

Are they in school/childcare? does he have time alone at home with or without you?

I think what he needs is a break from them. He will see them getting attention for being what he will see as 'bad behaviour' and is trying to replicate that so he can get some attention.

Do you have ss support re: DDs? Are you getting DLA/carers allownace? Could you afford to pay for respite if you cant get it provided by ss?

excited, I am excited by your first positive step. Remembering he's a child by giving him some adult responsibility is a brilliant move....well done, keep it up!

You really need to stop him. Take away any alcohol and keep an eye on him, he's destroying his health and even his life if it keeps up.

Keep an eye on the money you have - keep your purse/wallet on you at all times, and keep spare change around the house away from him - if you suspect he could be taking it. I'd also try and figure out where he is getting the cigarettes from, an older friend? A friend's parent?

With the xbox: Take all the games away from him, so he can't play games on it. If he goes on the internet browser/messenger on it, take the xbox away.

With the PC: Take the internet away. If not, take the power cable away.

The above are quite powerful measures and I admit will be hard to do, but you really can't let him do this to himself. He's not even smoking outside so the smoke could affect others too. You need him to learn that smoking is not good, and drinking alcohol is okay in small amounts - most parents do this by allowing them a little at special occasions.

hi im back but not for long as youngest is in from school.

i think we are gonna be fine as long as we both talk to each other. i think he has been tryin to give me a kick up the backside and remember he is still there. in the past 3yrs we have had me and his dad splitting up, both girls diagnosed a year apart, 3 court cases with his dad, youngest moving school and now trying to get another diagnosis for youngest. which is a lot in 3yrs.

You're doing well, keep going.

And you excited: are YOU getting any support or breaks I wonder? Have you had a Carer's Assessment done?

nope scram. have never heard of a carers assessment
i just assume that i have my 'rest' during school hours

As carer to disabled children youa relegally entilted to a carer's assessment from social services which should take things like your safety and your non SN chidlren into account.

Phone them; they will try and wriggle out of it but they have to give it.

thankyou :)

I have to say I am seeing this and not thinking posters are being hard.

I posted for years about DS1 and his behaviour.
I had harsh replies just as the OP has and one thing I learnt is that I had to change to help my son.

He has ODD which is hard to deal with. BUT we work through things some easier than others.

I personally would be hounding CAMHS for as much help as possible.