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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

out of control DS. AIBU?

159 replies

excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:43

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 19:38

Don't call me dear.

He. Is 13.

Are you seriously suggesting this child goes into care rather than the op pursuing all avenues of help.

How very neat and tidy for you. Hmm

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:39

Shirley he started smoking at ten, any child that has the room or desire to do that is just been poorly parented, things slip and hey presto your child is out of control.

Excited....Does he respect his coaches? Can they help? Perhaps he could help teach little children or something, give the boy some direction? Or help at a city farm?

onceamai · 17/02/2011 19:39

You are a good mum. If you weren't you wouldn't be here asking for advice. Can you speak to someone at school? Can you get help from the GP? It sounds as though both of you need some support. And this is as good a place as any to start.

I was concerned about disciplining my 15 year old and noted it on here once and most posts were very supportive and I understand where you are coming from even if the child doesn't have a tendency to be physical. It is very very hard to discipline a boy who towers over you.

A good suggestion I had was to remove the leads from the lap top/xbox, etc., much easier than timing or removing the whole lot.

I think you need to contact MNet Towers to get a thread removed.

Good luck, get some help and try not to be too sad. And actually, the ouija board would freak me out more than the smoking and drinking - irrational may be but totally understandable.

Another alternative might be to get some respite help with your girls so that you have more quality time with DS.

If you didn't care you wouldn't be asking for advice. You are doing your best and you should be proud of that; it takes enormous courage to leave a relationship where dv dominates.

RMCW · 17/02/2011 19:39

Could happen to any of us excited

None of us know that life is going to throw at us or how we will handle it til it happens.

Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:40

slipper - we (me and DS) are getting a very rare night off from the girls on monday so we are doing the cinema etc. he can be good as i said earlier. he helps with the youngest etc if needed. maybe he is crying for attention 1-1 stuff?

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:40

Perhaps he is confusing manhood with aggression and violence? How often is he home?

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:43

excited...could you treat him to a new top for the occasion? Perhaps the removal of Xbox could mean more time spent with you?

I asked a friend recently how it was her four teens were all so lovely? All massive boys. she said she thinks it's always having meals together and talking.

RMCW · 17/02/2011 19:43

without sounding critical of you, I would really try and get him some male mentor/role model.

As mums, there is just some stuff we cant do, you know?

I think there is a mentor programme but cant for the life of me remember what its called...my cousin was a mentor to a troubled teen some years back. In the US its called the "big brother" programme.

No male family member at all he could spend time with?

slipperandpjsmum · 17/02/2011 19:44

Never underestimate the power of 1:1. There are parts of him which sound lovely. After an evening together say something along the lines of I have had a really good time tonight and then arrange another. Start to try and see the world from his perspective. He loves you very much I am sure, hold on tight to that

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:45

And OP how about takign up chess or something with him, if he wins you have wash up and if you win he irons five things or something. Go upstairs and write a list of all the things you love about him, remind yourself why you're doing this....

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:46

now getting weepy and fearful of my own dcs becoming teens.

ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 19:46

Posie - I think we're singing from a similar song sheet, however, this has slipped and the OP needs proper help. I really am concerned that if she suddenly starts taking a hardline stance that the impact on the whole family will not be good.

Hence my push for outside help before any steps are taken.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 19:48

Like I said, everyone has different methods but i was always taught to respect the people you live with, if smoking/drinking whatever is unacceptable to who you are living with and you have been asked to stop and refused I think you should leave.

Like when my brother did drugs at 14, mum demanded he stop or he would be thrown out. He obeyed and carried on living on at home.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:48

Perhaps a conference first? I still would go all out, but with a warning and definitely remove XBox....there's lots of research that indicates some children can have horrid side effects form too much use.

slipperandpjsmum · 17/02/2011 19:48

I used to think they needed you most when they were little ThePosieParker the older mine have got I have realised the more they need me.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 19:50

thanks for all the help. i am gonna start asking family to have the girls once a month or something so that me and him have time together. I am also gonna contact CAMHS.

I have to go now to start the bedtime battle with youngest but will try and get back on if she settles

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 19:51

Posie I cross posted with you. I have a boy of a similar age and he is lovely, I'm a single parent, but luckily I wasn't in an abusive relationship nor do I have other children with SN.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 19:53

Stressed....What you're advocating is pretty awful. Asking a 13 year old to leave, he could just be looking for more attention or support, is unforgivable..

HowBleddyRude · 17/02/2011 19:54

Kel? Is that you?!

Gawd, it sounds like I'm the one trying to contact spirits now ...

CAMHS definitely.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:00

If you say so.

OPs son doesn't realise how lucky he is to have her as a mother because by god he would be in for a shock if he had me!
Smile

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:10

Oh don't get me wrong, I am very loving and very fair to my children.

But he has been asked to stop behaving as he is.
If he did as he was told I would be happy to draw a line under it.

As it is, judging from what i'm reading if anything, he appears to be getting worse.

I wouldn't stand for it.
The solution is simple in my eyes. Do as your mum tells you and if you don't want to live with someone else.

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 20:22

Stressed - When children enter pubity the rules have to change. It can't be a dictatorship any longer, you have to provide guidance. OP is vulnerable, her son is vulnerable, her other children are vulnerable.

I find your attitude pretty hard to accept, and pretty hard to stomach to be honest. I wonder what lessons your children are learning? Toe the line or I will withdraw all love and support and the very home from over your head. That's a pretty hard line to walk.

Anyway this is about you, I think most people on this thread believe that the OP needs to access some help before she kicks a 13 year old child out on his arse.

bumpsnowjustplump · 17/02/2011 20:22

Wow Stressed you said it yourself he is very lucky you are not his mum.. He has been living with DV for years, he is clearly hurting and needs support. I would like to think I would want to help my son if he were ever in the same situation rather than throw him to the wolves.