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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

out of control DS. AIBU?

159 replies

excited1 · 17/02/2011 18:43

I have a 13yr old DS and also 2 younger DD.
its my DS im having problems with.
Firstly its his drinking and smoking. I know he does it and can't really stop him. I've taken the cigs off him etc, grounded him, stopped pocket money. But after starting at 10yr old, he's addicted now. He has started smoking in his room which I have asked him not to but he ignores any rules I make.
Secondly is bedtime - he will not turn the xbox/PC off at a reasonable time and hates that i give the deadline as 11pm weekdays and midnight on a weekend. Apparently all his mates do all nighters. He is in trouble at school lately as he just can't be bothered to settle down to work and just acts the class clown.

Now the biggy - I was tidying his room today and under his bed was homemade ouija board. I told him how i felt about things like this happening in my house. he told me not to be so stupid and 'chill out' I don't mind him doing ouija as long as it is done at a mates.

I am fed up and have nowhere to turn. I get no help from his dad or my family.
I can't discipline him as he is bigger and taller than me.
AIBU for wanting him to stop all this? According to him I am. All his mates do it so why can't he?

:(

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 20:23

This isn't about you rather

Bloody iPad

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:23

Thats not my problem.

I sympathise with OP but I would not put up with children smoking/drinking/getting in trouble with the police etc and making no effort to behave when i say that behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop else you will have to move out.

No means no in my house.

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 20:25

Can I apre this back a bit? I do agree about when he was ten etc but assume no tardis is available.

you say his sibs have SN? Are they on the spextrum? becuase SOMETIMES ODD can be related and manifest this way. not- categorically not- all bad behaviour is ODD but sometimes it is and only a Paediatrician can tell.

But having 2 with SN myself I bet that this is a combination of feeling neglected (my ds2 feels like that sometimes- he says he wishes he had an ASD too, poor lad, though behaviourally he is a sweetie) and the dv he has witnessed.

So- what to do?

CAMHs clearly; possibly Paediatrics / Psych team depending on PCT policy if ODD rings true (it's nto a get out of jail card- an ODD dx would gvie you clues where to go but not make it easier or exempt you from doing anything). Young carers for certain- tell them you need emergency input, social services will ahve their number and they will ahve seen this a hundred times. if youc an;t get a aplce think strategically: sport at a weekend is great but self disipline, achievement: Sea Cadets, St john cadets, we went with Scouting and it has worked a treat.

but and I do know this is ahrd ebcuase I am black and blue today, although ds1 has AS so a bit different- never ever abdicate from A) showing youa re in charge: heck that Xbox goes oh yes; or B) showing lvoe whenever you can and his behaviour allows it.

And good luck.

cory · 17/02/2011 20:26

Stressed, that is a really awful attitude. Yes, in extreme cases a parent may have to put a child into care, but that should be an abolutely last resort. For one thing, it is a very risky thing to: many teens go totally out of control when they feel their parents have abandoned them.

The OP still has some things left to try- CAHMS sound a good bet to me.

ShirleyKnot · 17/02/2011 20:32

I've just had a look at your other posts stressedanddepressed.

It's very strange actually that you were asking for help with your violent 2 year old two days ago, yet today, no means no and you wouldn't stand for it all.

Walk a mile in someone elses shoes my friend.

Oh and

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 20:32

ok im back for a few mins.

scamvonchubby - youngest is possibly on the spectrum - we have just been referred to CAMHS with her

and you are right. he probably does wish he had a 'disorder'. in his eyes the girls get away with so much (they dont really). he has to put up with youngest wandering round the house at all hours (because she wants to) she hides his stuff (and other peoples) all odd little ways, and he is expected (?) to deal with all this. im finding it hard as an adult to, so he must do also

OP posts:
stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:33

He's already out of control!

If he just ignores her when she requests that he change his behaviour i find that unbelievably disrespectful and would not put up with it.

Again, this boy does not realise how lucky he is!

Its clearly not the opinion on MN but most of my friends share the same view as me and would not allow his behaviour.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:35

My brother was a troubled teenager.
He did drugs from a young age.
As soon as mum said you behave yourself and follow my rules or i will throw you out, miraculously, he suddenly behaved himself!

A bit of strictness when necessary does nobody any harm.

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 20:38

'Again, this boy does not realise how lucky he is!

That's simply wrong; I ahve a fairly high level of knwoledge of ASD and the effects on siblings and that with DV as well is an awfult hing.

Excited- start by calling social services tomorrow and ask for the number of young carers. they will almost certainly have a waiting list but they will also have the information you need about how to cope.

If you want help with ASD diagnosis etc I am your woman please mail me, that I can help with. Systems to help your DD function a little better perhaps, sounds like she is in need of a framework perhaps? It all feeds back.

Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:45

I would hope OPs son has been showered with love all his life?
I would be very sad if that wasn't the case.

Of course people should be extremely loving to their children, but, you have to have respect for your parents.

If your living in your parents house and your parents request you stop doing a certain thing (and its a serious thing like anti social behaviour) then I think if you aren't prepared to do as your told, you live somewhere else.

Original poster
excited1 · 17/02/2011 20:46

thankyou scram and rhade

scram i may take you up on the offer once my head is a bit more sorted. atm its a whirlwind in there

OP posts:
Rhadegunde · 17/02/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 20:46

Of course excited (its only powerpoints anyway but from MA in ASD).

good luck X

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 20:49

OK so [http://www.sciencealert.com.au/news/20073011-16663-3.html this] is top of the list but there is masses and masses of literature (that was just a google; loads of proper peer assessed stuff on my uni system though)correlating SN siblings and behavioural issues.

And as for DV- well it doesn't take an imagination does it?

Telling the child to move out would I suspect be a trigulation that kills him.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:51

'do as your told or leave' - depends what it is.

Obviously I wouldn't kick them out for something menial, but from OPs descriptions, his behaviours are quite serious.
She said he nearly pushed her down the stairs?

No. I would not tolerate that. Violence, drugs, trouble with the police, anything like that i'm afraid you behave or you are out!

notjustapotforsoup · 17/02/2011 20:53

Out to where? The streets?

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 20:54

Or a hostel.

Don't like it you behave. Harsh but true in my house.

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 20:55

DS1 has severe behavioural issues; he has tried to kill me (although at 11 he is still small enough for me to restrain)

he stays, we find a solution, my job.

He categorically does not get dumped by me. Ever.

maddy68 · 17/02/2011 20:58

Sounds just like my son.
Do what I did. I cut the plugs off my sons x box when he was still on it late at night. throw his fags in the bin if he smokes in the house
get tough, it will be a rocky ride but you need to take charge.
My son and I had a terrible relationship for a couple of years but now all is well again
My son still smokes though he is 17 now but would never smoke in the house!

notjustapotforsoup · 17/02/2011 20:59

At 13? With his background? I hope you think back to this thread with shame in 10 years.

excited - hope you get some luck with the support suggestions people have made on here. I imagine it's really tough, especially with the girls and all the stuff with the ex. Have a nice time with him on Monday.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 21:01

At 13? With his background? I hope you think back to this thread with shame in 10 years.

Who me?

'fraid not. You might not like it but i won't be budging.

ScramVonChubby · 17/02/2011 21:03

That's a high pedastal to fall from stressed (I know and have done it myself)

good luck, buy a parachute.

stressedanddepressed · 17/02/2011 21:03

Time will tell