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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:

prettybird · 14/02/2011 17:59

The PFB will still need his/her nappy changed, rocked to sleep, taken for a walk, chatted to when he/she is 7/8 months old.

When would people suggest that the Grandparents take thier 6 months away?

.... after the child's 1st birthday? ... but then they might miss out on the PFB's first steps or helping out with a mobile toddler?

When the PFB is 2? But a toddler is tiring and being able to offer some support then would be very useful. And by then, the PFB would miss his/her grandarents if they went away.

Never?

Within the first year is probably the best time, as there is really not that much they can do.

verytellytubby · 14/02/2011 18:04

I can understand you being upset but they are allowed to have their own life.

They wouldn't be much help for the first 6 months anyway.

MsBinbag · 14/02/2011 18:16

I think you are getting a hard time here OP, I understand just how you feel (my mother did similar to your ILs) but you might have to get used to it. Lots of grandparents are not very interested in their grandchildren sadly.
At least they won't be bothering you while you enjoy your lovely baby.

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/02/2011 18:19

I think some are being very mean.

OK so OP is being a bit U, but she is panicking a little.

I think actually this could be a great thing for your family!

They will meet the baby, and then they will travel. By the sounds of it they don't seem overly supportive, so better they are half way round the world than letting you down. FWIW, I DO think they are a little insensitive, but this could be down to the fact that my own DM, her H decided last minute to naff off down under when my sister had planned her trip, knowing that my H was about to bugger back off for good to his country. I know she feels guilty about it, cos she hid it from everyone, but doesn't help ME much does it. Never mind, I have been more isolated with a 6m old than I am now with a 5yo.

Your IL will be way during the time you will be getting your baby into his/her routine. They will not be there to make unhelpful comments, or missing when you'd really appreciate them, cor 6m, they will not be around. Their loss, but one that will work out for the best.

More importantly, it will mean that your H will HAVE to take his share of the baby care, as doing it on your own without the father's help is bloody tough. (Been there, done that)

Don't let this get to you, it's not about you, it's about them and the fact that they are putting their needs first. You and your H can do the same! You can be utterly selfish and hog your lovely little one all to yourselves for the first christmas, you can skype the IL on the day if you really need to talk to them.

Believe me, your child won't miss them, and you will be enjoying your baby too, you won't need to trek over to theirs or have them getting under your feet, just you, H and your baby, what bliss!

Look for positives, you can do this, it'll be fine! Why not arrange to go away for Christmas yourselves? seeing as you won't have any obligations to have to spend it with the IL!

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 18:19

As an aside, what does PFB stand for?

jalopy · 14/02/2011 18:21

Precious First Born

spidookly · 14/02/2011 18:35

MissSal

I don't think the first year is more important really. It's just that at the beginning of the first year you have a tiny helpless scrap and at the end of it you have mobile little person with their own personality.

Missing half of that seems a lot to miss to me. I can't imagine being happy to miss that should I be lucky enough to have grandchildren one day.

I don't think they should never go away for 6 months, although TBH I can't imagine my parents would choose to go away for that length of time for exactly that reason.

I just think the 1st year involves such massive change that it is a time to be around for. Leaving a 7 year old and coming back to a 7.5 year old isn't as big a deal.

PlanetEarth · 14/02/2011 18:40

Well as someone with parents and ILs who live at a considerable distance, I can't see what the fuss is about! Yes we had visits during the first year, but probably only every 2-3 months. That equates to 2 or 3 visits during the 6 months that the OP's in-laws will be away. It would have been nice if they were closer and we could all have visited more, but they weren't (and still aren't) and it hasn't been a big deal.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 18:59

All those granparents who live in different countries must be awful, uncaring people huh?

Violethill · 14/02/2011 19:38

I don't think babies are shit! I think they're gorgeous and scrumptious and to be loved and cherished.

I also think grandparents should be loved and cherished and respected - and allowed to go on holiday if they choose!

spidookly · 14/02/2011 19:46

Living far away = going on holidays for six months

Really, the standard of argument on MN has really taken a nosedive recently and it was always pretty crap.

Violethill · 14/02/2011 19:48

ROFL

spidookly · 14/02/2011 19:52

Has anyone said that grandparents shouldn't be allowed to go on holidays?

How might this refusal of permission be achieved?

Should it be a legal ban? Or could we just do a deal with the airlines?

Or wait...

hang on, is this yet another thread where it's not about who OWNS something or BANNING anything, but just about someone being allowed to FEEL the way they feel about something?

It's just "Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, yes, we have no bananas" really.

They can go wherever the fuck they please, but they can't assume that when they come back their only child and his family won't have found other things to do every year at Christmas with people who do find their little baby fascinating.

When you're away you miss out on stuff, including intimacy and being part of things. It's your choice to go and going can be fun. But you can't just show up and expect everyone else to have stood still waiting for you to come back.

They won't have.

YankNCock · 14/02/2011 19:52

BuzzLiteBeer Mon 14-Feb-11 18:59:05

All those granparents who live in different countries must be awful, uncaring people huh?

Exactly. DS was already 8 months old when he met my dad. My mom saw him twice during the first year of his life. This doesn't mean they don't care about him or aren't interested. But I certainly don't expect them to spend tons of money visiting, first grandchild or not. They have lives to lead, and DS is MY baby, not theirs.

As for the PIL, they live 3.5 hours away and can't travel for health reasons. They've never visited us, and babysat him ONCE in his first year of life so we could go to a movie. We see them every few months. Again, DS is MY baby, my responsibility, and I have no expectations of what PILs do with their time!

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 19:55

The problem is that we are imposing on the grandparents how we would feel. DD is only ten so I can't imagine what it would be like to be a grandparent in waiting, but I think we have to accept that some grandparents want to be around their new grandchildren and some don't.

Not everyone is the same. End of.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 19:56

There we go again - no discrimination between choice and necessity.

Extraordinary, it really is.

How about this:

"My 13 year old son refuses to walk anywhere. He literally just lies on the sofa all the time and never gets up. I'm worried about how his laziness will affect him socially."

"FGS what are you saying about people who can't walk? That they are all lazy? My son is in a wheelchair and he never walks anywhere and he's fine."

Violethill · 14/02/2011 19:58

I feel very sorry for spidookly's extended family.

You can just tell she punishes them if they dare have a life of their own.

"They can go wherever the fuck they please, but they can't assume that when they come back their only child and his family won't have found other things to do every year at Christmas with people who do find their little baby fascinating."

"You're not allowed to come over to my house any more because you dared to go on holiday" ner ner na ner ner..."

Must be a bundle of laughs

spidookly · 14/02/2011 19:58

"I think we have to accept that some grandparents want to be around their new grandchildren and some don't."

Um precisely.

And some children will be hurt by this and some won't.

Not everyone is the same.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 20:00

"You can just tell she punishes them if they dare have a life of their own."

Yes, you can tell so much about me from the threads I amuse myself with in between playing with my children.

Don't you HAVE A JOB as well as children? Wow, I mean, really, WOW. You must be so proud.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 20:02

No, I think we can safely say that no newborn babies wil be hurt by a lack of grandparents for six months, actually.

you seem to be having an argument with yourself, spid, so complaining yet again about the "quality" of argument on MN makes you look a tiny bit silly. And childish.

PaisleyLeaf · 14/02/2011 20:04

We don't even know that these are grandparents that don't want to be around.
They have chosen to delay their trip by several weeks to be around. And, like someone said - when would be a good time within the first couple of years?
It's not as if they're out of the picture for 6 months out of spite/laziness/unconcern. They've got an opportunity to ride mules accross the grand canyon, camp in the Sahara, watch the Northern Lights.
I just can't think badly of them for going. (albeit later than planned because of the baby).

Violethill · 14/02/2011 20:05

Gosh you're so ANGRY spidookly.
Are you sure you enjoy being with your children and family that much?!

Yeap, I do have a job thanks (not sure of the relevance btw!) and I love it. Not as much as I love my children though. No anger here!

GORGEOUSX · 14/02/2011 20:14

Anyone fancy and ?