to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

[bigredtractor]

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

Glass of vino will do nicely thanks

To be honest I'm surprised by a lot of the labels that have been attached to me - e.g. that I'm self-centred, that I'm immature, that somehow, by wanting my dh's parents to share a special and unique time in our life, I'm out of order! I'm BU because I didn't declare my pregnancy earlier (I had some early bleeding by the way, which is why).

I was v careful about how I worded my OP - it isn't some silly rant.

What would I like from the GPs? Advice, visits, a willing ear when I haven't a clue, pics of them with the baby, the opportunity for them to see the baby change - all so unreasonable!!

And the term PFB is just stupid when used as a repost - of course the baby is precious, but I am not.

Anyway, this seems to have turned into a private argument, so I'll leave you all to it.

bigredtractor The only point I wanted to make was that the grandparents have already done all that. It's your turn now.

I'm sure they'll love being around your baby, but they won't be cherishing every little milestone because they have already done it with their own DC.

That's all - no need to be upset about it. Let them spoil baby when they get back from their trip - no need for them to be there for EVERYTHING.

Here, join us for and put the box of tissues away.

Here you are violethill
....mmm.... it's a good year.....I'm getting berries, plums......

I Agree it all got a bit weird when people started throwing around terms like 'hating children' and 'thinking babies are shit'!

However, I hope on reflection you realise you can have a perfectly lovely time in the weeks before your PIL go away, and when they return, as well as keeping in touch through skype, texts etc - its all so easy these days. You can watch each other on webcams if you want!

I think its great that your PIL are adventurous and spirited people- life is for living, which is what you are doing in having a baby, and what they are doing in setting off on a wonderful adventure. They wouldn't dream of imposing Their demands on you, I'm sure they don't think you should plan your major life decisions around them, so try to be gracious and don't try to make them feel guilty about them living their life to the full. As for needing a listening ear or a bit of advice- well, as I say, theres skype, phone calls, texts and letters. But having a baby is lovely- you'll be fine, you wont need other people telling you how to do things, just enjoy your baby with your husband

I can see why you're upset - but at the same time I would have given anything not to have my in-laws anywhere near me when DD was that tiny! (And my own parents sometimes....)

You guys......

To the OP - YANBU. Makes me feel a little when I got cross with the PIL's for booking a coach trip to Kent around my due date with DC3 - not even my PFB

And your parents are not around - which I'm thinking that you will really feel when you become a parent yourself.

Is it possible that MIL may not want to go at all, and will have to be talked into it now by FIL? (Sorry, tried to read whole thread couldn't see through the fog of nastiness)

Or could they go now and come back in time for the baby to be born? (May not fit with seasons Down Under etc. if that is what they are planning - and believe you me, I am already planning our post-retirement round the world jaunt, and it's 25 years away)

Whatever they decide, though - although you may feel miffed - you have to respect their decision, and also not blame your DH in any way for not standing up to them (not that you would, but that was my accusation to my DH over the aforementioned coach trip)- and becoming a grandparent is a big, big change for them too - they may not realise it for about 3 years though.

Well said Violethill THAT'S SPOT-ON! (Think I may have had one too many....

Did you check their holiday plans before trying to get pregnant?

I assume not, so why would they adjust their plans to suit yours.

having my DS1 was not 'the single most profound event of my life', it (and he) is great but I have had lots of 'best' and 'profound' events.

I guess coming from a frequent Expat position, I don't really see the big deal.

OP, I hope you come back. I know that you and your dh must have been excited about telling them and that you must have wanted more of a reaction - i.e perhaps cancelling/shortening their time away.

However I just wanted to put something to you, when I concieved dd my uncle who was just 59 had a stroke and didn't survive. At 59. To me that is young. My aunt his widow said she wished they had spent more time doing the things that they really wanted to do, they had their children young and missed doing some of those things and their children were their life until he passed away. However it doesn't make her feel any better that they didn't do all the things that they had planned to do. It makes me feel sad for them. As it is he isn't around to see his first gc, but i wish he had been able to go on the safari that they had planned and had never done, I wish he was here to see the scan pictures of his first gc. I know it isnt' the same but they are probably feeling if they don't do these things now they might never do them again and that can be frightening! They will be there for the first 2 months, they I am sure will love and cherish your dc, but they also do need to do the things that they have planned just as you do. You will probably find he just isn't so good at communicating quite so sensitively (neither if my df and he can sometimes say things that my dm then has to come and rectify, but I am sure that it is a generational thing!).

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

spidookly - so going away for more than a few weeks means you don't care about family? What do you think about people who emigrate then?

OP ~ YANBU, I don't think. Knowing how tough my first 6 months were with my parents on the other side of the world, I really needed my MIL's support and would have struggled without my mum AND MIL.

I think it's perfectly normal and reasonable that you're feeling this disappointment and a bit let down.

I hope you've got good friends and /or siblings to call on if you find you're struggling. They may well be just as good a substitute for the PIL's in those tough first months. It might turn out well as your DC may form solid bonds with other family members? We had no one except for PIL's so I'd not have been without them & would have felt all a bit frightened, I think.

People perhaps are just focussing on the word 'offended' whereas I think the sentiment you're conveying is reasonable enough for a first time mum to be, without her own parents around.

Good luck with it all :)

To add to that - I had a baby that wouldn't/couldn't/didnt want to feed (breast or bottle) so I know that it isn't always wonderful and in the scenario that it isn't, sometimes you will yearn for much-needed help & support that isn't necessarily available. I don't think this is weak; one of the best factors to ward off depression is a reliable support network so feeling like you've had the rug ripped out from under you and not knowing yet whether you'll possibly need extra support is quite scary, I think...never mind the other bits & pieces like photos of GP's and DC etc.

I read quite a few pages but then skipped to the end so maybe that isn't even your real concern but I think we're all potentially vulnerable to changes in our mental health in the post-natal period & reliable support is often needed; even if it's simply there, waiting in the wings, just in case.

In their defence, they will be there for the first 6-8 weeks possibly, which could be when you need them most, as you adjust. In perspective, thank the lord they postponed so as to be around when perhaps your DP returns to work and you need to adjust to life as a SAHM.

Again, good luck. Am sure all will be well!!

YABVVU and also selfish and self centred...

Why should they miss out of their trip because of the baby? And they are right that the baby will be more interesting after 6 months. And from the sound of things they have deferred the leaving date to be around for the birth as they are so excited!

Also if you plan to BF would be hard for them to usefully look after the baby in the first 6 months... my reaction would be to say great timing you'll be back exactly when baby is ready for grandparent babysitting!

OP - FWIW - my PIL went on holiday to NY when I was due with Ds2 (and they got stranded there for more than a week due to ash cloud!!!), and my parents have emigrated abroad since my DC were born so only see them for a few days at a time every 6 months.

I have read your recent response... of course not U to have kept quiet until 3 months... but still BU & self centered to think that they should give up on their trip abroad because of a small baby.

They can still give advice etc over phone when they are away. Lots of time to be good grandparents when they are back. Don't resent them for this, be excited for them that they have the chance to take this trip.

WTF is that mug icon??

[mug] [cuppa]

:o

Sorry but I think YABU (in the nicest way). You've had an harsh time on this thread but I think you would be best to just concentrate on your baby and let your in laws enjoy their time abroad. They've already delayed their trip and you'll still be able to talk to them won't you? I would have relished my in laws taking more of a back seat when my children were born! Your baby will be a huge joy in their lives but of course, not the only joy.

You'll be fine, enjoy your preganancy and your baby and let you in laws enjoy their trip.

I understand how you feel but they have postponed their plans and they are right in that the baby won't know anything. I know you probably feel like no one else has ever had a baby and you want s/he to be their focus but no one will be as excited as you about this baby and your PIL are already doing more than some Grandparents would.