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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 11:34

Ohhh... did ANYBODY say that babies are SHIT? That's outrageous, Spidookly

Perhaps it isn't what parents want to hear but it's a general view that babies are the apples of their parents' eyes... but not the centre of the universe for everyone else. Earlier, a poster said that to OP, it's was a gentle and funny post but oh so true.

We all think our own babies and children are perfect and marvellous, that's as it should be, but to insist that others share our views is setting yourself up for a fall.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 11:34

Would you put off a big trip that you had planned to hang around because you are expected to be there for your first grandchild. OP has said she won't want them to babysit, she's hoping to EBF, and persumably will not want to be spending half the week with her in-laws.
Should they pack in their own plans to sit at home waiting for the odd visit, and to provide for their christmas? Grandparents are people, with lives, they are not furniture to site around to mkae you feel better!

pommedeterre · 14/02/2011 11:40

To put another spin on it - we told my parents and the PILS when I was 5 weeks preggers (having known for 1 of them). We told everyone else in the world at 12 weeks. I actually think YABU not to have told them before.

Look, they may annoy the hell out of you those first 2/3 months and when they go you may be wishing the trip was a year long. I really wouldn't stress about this at the moment let alone feel resentful. 6 months without them will fly by then they'll come back and all's good again. they'll be back for the baby's first birthday.

slim22 · 14/02/2011 11:44

I really hope OP does not come back to read all this shit

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 11:46

Perhaps it isn't what parents want to hear but it's a general view that babies are the apples of their parents' eyes... but not the centre of the universe for everyone else

I don't know that you can claim that as a blanket rule. The grandchildren certainly are the centre of the universe for my parents and PIL, far more so than the children actually! So while it may be true for some, it doesn't apply to all.

Francagoestohollywood · 14/02/2011 11:46

I can see why the OP is upset.
As much as I agree that grandparents are free to live their lives as they prefer, I still think that if the relationship between parents and grandparents is a good one, the norm is for grandparents to want to "be there".
It would be unthinkable both for my parents and my inlaws to not see the children for 6 months.

loscann · 14/02/2011 11:51

It must be a question of perspective or something because I just think it's really strange to say oh, babies are boring and you can't expect grandparents or anyone else to be interested in them. IME grandparents can't get enough of their grandchildren. That's the normal state of affairs and the OP isnt unreasonable to be disappointed her kid's only grandparents don't feel that way.

prettybird · 14/02/2011 11:53

I think YABU - but as others have said, it might be becaseu there is a bit of grief mixed in that your own parents are not going to be there to share the wonder of your PFB.

That have shown considersation by delaying their trip. And yes, they will miss the first Christmas - but as you will find out when your PFB does arrive and you get to subsequent Christmases, each of them is special "the first Chirstmas when they understand waht is happening", "the first Chirstmas when they really understand what is happening", "the first Christmas when they properly understand what is happening" (you get the drift )

And if they didn't go in October, when should they go? If they left it until after Christmas, then they might miss the early staggering steps, the early words. They might miss the first birthday.

The dates they have booked make sense. I am sure they will be devoted grandparents. You could always ask them to bring back wee mementoes that you could give to your PFB when he/she is older.

brass · 14/02/2011 11:54

YABU.

They sound like they'd had plans before they found out about the baby and they are already delaying going by a month but you want them to cancel completely?

Immature and precious. Also not their fault you have no other support. Sympathies on that front but you can't put all your eggs in their basket iyswim.

You're going to be a parent and that comes with 24 hour responsibility. Full stop. Any help anyone else gets outside of that is a major bonus and should be met with gratitude. You aren't entitled to have everyone drop their lives for you just because you are having a baby.

They may be amazing grandparents when they return from their trip and you should give them the opportunity to do that.

zikes · 14/02/2011 11:56

Babies are shit

PadmeHum · 14/02/2011 11:57

My parents didn't even meet DS2 until he was 2!!! They don't travel well so decided that the 12 hour flight wasn't worth it.

My dad has only ever visited with us once, since DD was born. She's nearly four and he hasn't clapped eyes on her since she was four months old!

I understand the OP's disappointment, but, to be fair her P'sIL sound amazing to me. They will be around to help out for the first little while, then they will bugger off to leave the OP to establish a family routine.

Back just in time for the baby to get interesting.

Perfect.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 11:57

I do think my nieces and nephews and friends' children are perfect and marvellous. More marvellous than my own because I just get the fun bits and I'm allowed to boast about them.

It's not because it's expected or demanded by anyone. It's just how I feel. It is reciprocal. I had no idea it was unusual to feel that way.

And sorry but related posts telling the op how uninteresting her baby would be even to its own family and mocking her for expecting anything else were mean and sneery and essentially saying that babies were shit.

Fennel · 14/02/2011 11:57

I think though, whether the OP IBU or INBU, some grandparents just aren't that bothered. And there isn't much point getting upset about it if you happen to have that sort. We have ILs who used to live a few miles away and visited us maybe once a year when the dc were tiny. They went on long holidays etc. and the other grandparents weren't much use either.

And in the end it meant we had more time and freedom to spend with friends. Most of my antpost natal group friends didn't have local useful grandparents, and so we all bonded strongly and helped each other out, and those friendships are still strong now. Lots of people don't have keen grandparents on tap, and it isn't that terrible, once you get used to the idea.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 12:06

GwendolineMaryLacey... Yes, I agree, I meant 'some', I always mean 'some', I just forget to type it sometimes or I amend my post after I've typed it and forget to put 'some' back in.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 12:06

But Fennel you've said it yourself. You had other people to turn to so it wasn't too terrible for you but might be for others. And of course lots of people are in this position and they survive but that doesn't mean you can't be a bit sad about it.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 12:07

:) Love the name btw LyingWitch!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 12:10

... I was thinking the same about yours GwendolineMaryLacey... how I loved those books and still do!

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 12:26

Spidookly if you choose to think that people are saying babies are shit, from comments such as babies being quite boring when they are tiny then that is your problem.

No one said that, no one means that and frankly I think you are being ridiculous and childish.

slim22 · 14/02/2011 12:29

Bogey, spidy is on the naughty step, please respect the time out

Fennel · 14/02/2011 12:33

It can be sad, but I think it's probably a waste of emotion to be resentful, if they are not that interested at this stage it's likely they will stay that way. Or that was our experience. Not that our PILS would have shifted a holiday start for any of our children, that would have been unthinkable.

And it's perhaps better to acknowledge that these PILS might not be devoted and involved, and find other sources of support.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 12:35

Apologies slim. I should know better shouldnt I?! :o

VinegarTits · 14/02/2011 12:39

i think your fil was a tad insensitive, also think youve been given an hard time here for no other reason than some MNers luuurve to tell you YABU

course its spec. to you, its you first, nowt wrong with feeling a bit disappointed with gp but you will get over it

daytoday · 14/02/2011 12:42

Awful thread now -

Telling the OP that she is unreasonable because she didn't want to tell about her pregnancy until 3 months is utterly ridiculous.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 12:54

I agree with you daytoday. I didnt tell my parents about this one until after my 20 week scan!

ladysybil · 14/02/2011 12:55

op, i think yabu

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