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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsDeidreIppy · 14/02/2011 13:11

Calm down, calm down, calm down especially you Spidey. Spidey are you particularly grumpy today because you not a big fan of valentines day or something? Op is right to be a bit sad. But at the same time the Pils don't sound like bad people I'm sure they'll enjoy the first couple of months with baby and will really look forward to seeing baby when they get back with armfuls of presents! And you can send pictures and skype etc. OP you sound like you're going to be a great time I'm sure your DC will be fine!

Lambzig · 14/02/2011 13:19

YAB a tiny bit U, but I can understand with your first baby.

My father and stepmother live in France for half the year and continued with their plans to go over four weeks after my DD was born and I was a bit hurt, but I did understand and took her to see them for a few days, so perhaps you could travel.

At least they are more interested than my PIL who dont want to see their only grandchild because she was conceived through IVF and its against their religion.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2011 13:39

ILs are damned if they do or damned if you don't. If they hang around, they're interfering, if they go away, they're uncaring.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 13:41

Lambzig... that's so harsh.

There are some horrible things said and done in the name of religion. :(

MothershipG · 14/02/2011 13:43

Don't know if the OP will be bothered to wade through all these posts...but just wanted to add that my DS was the first grandchild and although my parents had been pleased and looking forward to his arrival they were actually knocked for six at just how intensely they fell for him when he arrived. Grin

They had already planned a 4 month long holiday for when he was about 6 months old, ended up cutting it down to 3 months and said they missed him terribly!

PaisleyLeaf · 14/02/2011 13:47

yabu
It sounds like they're thrilled to bits about the grandchild, so have delayed their trip by several weeks.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 15:29

How is saying that something is boring and not worth bothering with different from saying it's shit?

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 15:54

Again Spid, you are seeing things that arent there. Nowhere on this thread will you find anyone saying that babies "arent worth bothering with"

Your comments are saying far far more about you than they do about the OP, the PIL and the rest of the posters. If you stopped being so snippy and sensitive, to something that isnt even being said to you btw, then perhaps you could understand what people are saying. But I suspect you dont want to.

MrsDeidreIppy · 14/02/2011 15:56

Spidookly why don't you go over to my specially designated 'grumpy thread' and grumble over there I created it with you in mind Smile

chaya5738 · 14/02/2011 16:55

Have just found the most poorly written sentence on Mumsnet in this thread:

"so you knew you was pregnant, and they must of talked about there trip in those 3 months while you was waiting till after the scan"

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 16:57

"I think it's distasteful to tell the OP that the baby she's carrying is boring and that nobody on earth can be expected to give a shit about it."

spidookly
It came as a rude shock to me that other people weren't as interested in my daughter as I was. You can't assume that other people's babies are interesting to anyone but immediate family. Some women are naturally more maternal than others. My MIL thinks that all babies are beautiful, I don't. Some babies are beautiful and some are just plain ugly - just like people. Even in my family some members of the family just aren't interested in DD because they just aren't that interested in children - not everyone is.

I have to say that during the first 6 months of my daughter's life my life was a bit dull and monotonous. Nobody told me that this could happen, and I don't think it is being cruel to say so, but just saying how it is.

SoSweet · 14/02/2011 16:58

Totally understand OP. Surely they would want to be around to help as well as enjoy the baby.

YankNCock · 14/02/2011 17:05

Really? His parents should put their lives on hold because you're having a baby? They've raised their kids, time for them to do what they want.

YABU

Tolalola · 14/02/2011 17:07

Not trying to add fuel to the flames here, but an honest question:

What 'help' are the ILs really expected to provide in months 1-6? OP will presumably be on maternity leave, is planning to BF, and has said, fairly enough, that she doesn't want to leave the baby with the ILs at that stage. It's the first child, so no older sibling to entertain.

As I remember it, once the first few weeks of mid-numbing confusion are over with, you just sort of get on with it and there's not much that anyone else can really practically do.

Completely agree that it'd be great to have a bit of help with cooking/cleaning/shopping etc for the first few weeks, but the ILs have postponed their trip to be there for that, anyway.

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 17:09

I think it still comes down to unrealistic expectations. My auntie was thrilled when I got pregnant (both my parents died many years ago), but she admitted that she isn't really a baby person. She said to me that she always wanted children, but realised that you had to get through the baby stage to get them. Perhaps your ILs are the same. I think the fact that they have delayed their travel plans shows that their first grandchild means a lot to them, but you may have to face up to the fact that they may not be as "hands on" as you would like them to be even when they get back from their trip.

CPtart · 14/02/2011 17:10

I continue to be surprised and disappointed at my mothers lack of involvement with my 2 boys 8 years on, and with in laws almost 50 miles away, support is just something we have managed without. (I sort of understand it. I don't want to be standing in the playground again in my 60's either). You may have to get used to their attitude!!

solooovely · 14/02/2011 17:15

I don't have parents to help either and my PILs can't be bothered even though they live just down the road, so I can see why you are upset. But at least yours will be back in 6 months time.

solooovely · 14/02/2011 17:17

Tolalola - I thought that was a myth about people helping with your cooking/cleaning/shopping when you have a new baby! I read about it in books and thought that would be a great help . . . never happened Sad

Tolalola · 14/02/2011 17:22

Ha ha my mum didn't provide any help with that stuff, either, solooovely, and she lives 5 minutes away. But I wish she had Grin.

tbh I think she'll be a lot more help this time by taking DS off my hands for a bit, although she'll only be here for a week or so after DC2 is born.

piratecat · 14/02/2011 17:30

well, tbh, you will get over your disappointment. They will be there to welcome baby.

I got pg after ttc for 3 yrs, had moved nearer to parents 2 months before i found out i was pg. They had had their house on the market for a yr and tbh i never thought i'd get pg. They never thought they would sell their house, it was really bad recession.

They got a sudden offer and then decided to move abroad. Sad BUT, i will be very honest, those months were a blur and you do have to do it all yourself anyhow. I can't really think what my mum could have done in hindsight. My inlaws live abroad too.

It was quite a weird yet wonderful time. They will be back. x

spidookly · 14/02/2011 17:30

"What 'help' are the ILs really expected to provide in months 1-6?"

It's less that they are expected to provide help than that one might have thought that they wouldn't want to miss out on half their grandchild's first year.

But they do want to miss it.

Is that sad?

Yes. Mostly for them, but also for their grandchild who doesn't have any other grandparents and for their son, who is hurt that they have made it clear how boring they intend to find his child.

Here are some things my mother did for her grandchildren in their first 6 months: change their nappy, rock them to sleep, take them for a walk, chat to them, keep their mother company, give the parents an hour to spend together.

Basically just being a part of their life and getting to know them from their very earliest days.

It's sad (but useful) to know that they don't value that as much as going on holidays.

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 17:36

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe a small baby will be sad at anyone not being around. Or will remember it, what with the being a baby bit.

I'm sure it would also be useful for the ~GP's to know that their own lives are worthless and they should not make any plans that don't revolve around their grandchildren.

GORGEOUSX · 14/02/2011 17:44

YABU. They are the grandparents. YOU are the parents. They've done 1st Xmas, 1st smile etc. and now they want to enjoy themselves.

They have put off going travelling so that they can see their DGC - you are expecting far too much if you want more than that.

When my DC have babies, I won't be going gaga over every little thing.

Hopefully, when you give birth you will grow up A LOT and stop thinking that the world revolves around your offspring.

You may feel as though you are the only person in the world having a baby, but I'm afraid it's old hat - and it's certainly old hat for them.

MisSalLaneous · 14/02/2011 17:54

But spidookly, when you say "want to miss out on half their grandchild's first year" - is that because you think the first year is the most important, or do you actually think they should never leave for 6 months at a time??

I disagree, but can see your position more if you meant the former, whereas if you mean never, that's insane! Should they never fulfil a lifelong dream because they have grandchildren (who I am sure they will love and adore).

activate · 14/02/2011 17:55

you're mad

it's your child not theirs

I'm sure they'll be delightful lovely grandparents and really bloody interesting

best thing that could happen - you have a big adjustment getting used to being parents

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