to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

[bigredtractor]

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

Spidookly, I agree with you on so many levels. Having your first child, becoming a father/mother is not just a practical event. For me, and all of my friends (men and women) it is the single most profound event that has happened to us.

OP whilst I understand why you feel hurt by this then try to look at what they did do.

MIL got very excited and FIL immidiatly said we will leave later hence is also excited.

you and dh can have some wonderful memories of your babies first christmas and the special christmas it was just the 2 of you. Notice here on MN about November December how many will start writing about how unreonable their INlaws/Parents are to expect them to come celebrate christmas. I think in a few years time you will feel you were given a gift to have that first christmas all to yourself.

YANBU to feel hurt but neither arethey BU for going.

yabu. Very thoughtful of them to put off travelling for a months. If I was going to choose to miss six months, I'd opt for the 6 months the baby was least likely to remember, too.

I'm seeing this from the PILs point of view.

How long do they have to wait to do what they want when they want? If they cant do it now, when can they? Perhaps they've been retired a long time and I've missed that, but what is the point in working hard all your life and not then going for your big plans?

And, not to be morbid, but I'm guesing thye're getting on a bit - how much longer will they both be able to enjoy good health and each others company?

It sound like you're not going to have much fmaily supprot around for the first few months and that must seem tough but did they even know you were trying for children? Thei plans seem to have been made well before your announcement, which perhaps came out of the blue for them?

It really isn't about which milestones to miss - who knows when a baby will walk or talk? Who says I won't miss those things, by chance?!

It's the feeling that trip comes before family - not by their plan to go away, which is completely their entitlement, but their matter of fact reaction. And as for Xmas, of course there will be others - hopefully many many more. But never a first and when you only have one set of GPs and had visions of a lovely, happy family time, it's sad.

Anyway - thanks for your comments!!

I'm suggesting that in lots of families grandparents don't consider spending time with their brand new grandchild to be some unbearable imposition and are happy to make plans around what is happening in the family.

Being sad that your child's only grandparents are open about how boring they will be is understandable.

My dcs grandparents are just as stupidly fascinated by them as we are. It's nice. I'm glad we all have that.

I feel the same about my nieces and nephews and good friends' children. They are awesome. I see them as much as I can so I don't miss too much.

'Surely a first grandchild is more exciting than a holiday?'

No, not really.

So what? People have babies all the time.

All this 'first grandchild' stuff sounds a bit adolescent and self-centred.

They're not missing the birth. They'll be there the birth and first couple of months.

Grandparents are not expected to put their lives on hold. How ridiculous to compare a 6 month trip, one month after birth with missing a birthday party.

But going away for 6 months is hardly the same. I'm sure if they were going away for a two week holiday the OP and her husband wouldn't give a damn. Or I suspect even postponing the trip for 3 months would have not caused hurt. It is the Grandparents choice but they will be making their own bed so will have to lie with the consequences. I certainly wouldn't feel they are cultivating their relationship with their own son.

It might help if they explained their reasoning with you. Not because they have to explain or justify themselves - just so you can avoid any long lasting hurt.

bigredtractor... I'm sure that your PIL will be absolutely thrilled with the baby. In fairness to them, you didn't let them know about your pregnancy until the 'safe stage'. That's your prerogative but in families, its often as soon as the expectant Mum knows. Do you generally have a close relationship with them?

They're delaying their trip just because of your baby. It's unfair of you to say that their trip comes before family - it obviously doesn't.

Babies, until they're born, are quite 'abstract' for some family members. Once they're born it's another matter. Your PIL sound quite practical rather than 'matter of fact'.

And as for 'firsts', there are 'firsts' for everything. Which ones are really important to you? Focus on those and make sure that your PIL are involved in those and make sure that what's important to them is given credence too. :)

spidookly, you are taking this to extremes. Its really distasteful and really not helping the OP de-dramatize.

We do understand how the OP feels, but really her PIL sound like very normal lovely people, not at all like the self centered horrible people you describe.

What we are trying to convey, with the benefit of experience is that there is no point turning a beautiful moment like welcoming this baby into a pseudo - tragedy.

OP, please see beyond the harsh words and make the most of what you've got.PIL have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Be ecstatic about your precious first born but don't expect the same reverence from others. Which does not mean they do not love him/her very very much....but have their own life to live to the full.

I actually found the first few months with my first baby the hardest time, it was bloody awful (sorry, OP!). So I think it's a shame for the OP that there won't be any extended family to lean on.

But at the same time, the GP may well be thinking they can be more help later on, or perhaps they won't be very hands-on at all - who knows? But at least they are postponing a bit and they are entitled to their own lives.

They'll be there the first two months!

And maybe they don't want to be interfering.

Zikes makes a good point. Perhaps they just dont intend to be the kind of GP that gets that involved with the day to day of their GC. Alot of GP just visit their GC, play with them, have a nice time and go home again.

Maybe they will be like that?

'And as for Xmas, of course there will be others - hopefully many many more. But never a first and when you only have one set of GPs and had visions of a lovely, happy family time, it's sad.'

Your DC wont even know its Christmas for another 2, more likely 3 years. With a 4 month old Christmas is just like any other day of the year. Being woken at 5am by a screaming baby isn't any more exciting because its Christmas Day.

YABU

I think it's distasteful to tell the OP that the baby she's carrying is boring and that nobody on earth can be expected to give a shit about it.

Her PIL are sending a pretty loud message about the kind of grandparents they will be. She might as well listen.

She hoped for support and excitement. She's not going to get that. Some people think that is normal, others think it is sad.

Either way, she might as well get used to it. Not caring about missing your first grandchild's Christmas is part of a set of priorities where family occasions don't rate very highly.

That's their choice obviously, but don't be counting on all the other Christmases. Just presume your family is just the 3 of you and that these guys will drop by at their convenience (should you be free).

I reckon once they actually see your baby they won't want to go away. Maybe they will cancel?

FGS, how can you say they don't give a shit when they put back their departure date?

I don't get how all this 'first' is more important than another other Xmas or birthday.

For the love of Pete, they'll be there the first 2 months.

They're allowed to have a life!

I'm sure they know what babies look like, why would that make them cancel?

I don't get the problem here.

Spidookly... You're making big assumptions that will upset the OP.

You say that the PIL are "Not caring about missing your first grandchild's Christmas is part of a set of priorities where family occasions don't rate very highly". Where exactly did OP say that her PIL "don't care"?

Are you projecting your own experiences by any chance?

The PIL have given no indication that they're not interested (they've postponed their trip and MIL was excited even if FIL was a bit practical about the trip) so why should OP just assume that they are now a family of three? That's overdramatic and probably quite wrong.

I'm surprised you're getting such a hard time OP. I would be offended if my mum had done this because the birth of a child is special and the only people who come close to understanding how special is grandparens and I'm sure as your parents are dead you were looking forward to feeling that the baby will make you feel like a proper family and you probably want to share that with his/her GP's.

But some good points have been made - the fact is that your baby isn't the most important thing in anyones life exept yours and your DH's and you should start getting your head around that now. Also your Inlaws are ibviously keen on having extended holidays and it seems likely to me that pattern will not change and this will no doubt happend again (several times) and 6 months away from almost any child at any age is going to mean they miss some some event. ALso looking back on it you will relaise that first Xmas with a baby may be special to you but actually its not really like a family xmas at all - 3+ is really when Xmas gets magical.

But I still understand why you are upset with them, you have no choice but to come to terms with that.

I think it's distasteful to tell the OP that the baby she's carrying is boring and that nobody on earth can be expected to give a shit about it.

Nobody said that at all. It was just pointed out that newborn babies dont really do anything and they dont! You cant interact with them, play with them, etc. If you are not the knackered on-your-knees parents then all you can do with a wee one is look at it! I think it is a bit much to expect them to cancel a 6 month trip in order to look at a baby occasionally!

You sound very bitter towards the PIL and I agree with lyingwitch that it seems like you are projecting your own experiences onto the OP. You dont know that they dont care, you are assuming they dont.

I see nothing in the OP that says they dont care. They are postponing their trip to make sure they are around for the first couple of months. And what if they postponed for a 6 months, then they would miss the first birthday. Then it would be Christmas again...and so it goes on.

Spidookly, this is a genuine question, when do you think it would be ok for them to take this trip if you think that them going in October shows them as uncaring and selfish? I would really like to know when you think would be a good time and why.

Also, everyone seems to be assuming that both PIL would feel exactly the same about this. It may well be that the MIL would rather be around the grandchild than go on the trip, but knows that her husband feels differently and is going along with his point of view rather than having a disagreement with her husband. Something similar happened with my own inlaws when my older DD was born - they had a trip away somewhere and didn't alter their arrangements when they knew I was pregnant - my MIL wanted to, but my FIL was more focused on the trip, so they didn't see her till she was a couple of weeks old. I was a bit hurt about it at the time, but she's 16 now and I hadn't given it a thought for years until I read this thread. I do feel sorry for MIL if she is being dragged off against her own instincts, which seems possible to me.

"I'm sure they know what babies look like, why would that make them cancel? "

:o :o :o

Yes, that is why grandparents love to spend time with their grandchildren, because it is an opportunity to learn what babies LOOK LIKE.

God the Mumsnet "I'm so cool, I don't give a shit about ANYTHING" morons are hilarious.

Even the teenagers I know aren't this ridiculous.

Spidookly, I think the problem here is that the OP is disappointed but with it being her first she hasnt learned what alot of the rest of us have. Namely that friends and rellies dont always feel the same way we do about our kids and dont always do what we want them to.

Sure, she is a bit upset, but she will cope!

You on the other hand seem to be taking it all very personally and going way over board making assumptions and nasty comments about the PIL and the rest of the posters.

Kewcumber... The PIL will be there when the OP gives birth, they're not leaving until I think, 3 months, later.

I do feel for the OP, she has no parents and it must be a very bitter-sweet time for her. I think that she should tell her DH how she's feeling so that he can reassure her, I'm sure that her PIL are going to be great GP and this is nothing more than a blip but one that she obviously feels very sad about.