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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 11:05

You might want to read this actual thread and not whatever one you are hallucinating there spiddy, you seem a bit confused.

littlemissprairiegirl · 14/02/2011 11:08

YANBU, I would be hurt too. Congrats on the baby.x

littlemissprairiegirl · 14/02/2011 11:09

and PS it's ultimately them that are missing out - they will never get those months back!

spidookly · 14/02/2011 11:12

I've never experienced friends and family not caring about each other's children.

Thankfully.

Tanso · 14/02/2011 11:13

Going on a trip that you have been planning for ages does not mean you dont care for your grandchild or son/daughter in law. It doesn't mean you are not/don't want to be a close family. The trip and the baby don't have to be mutually exclusive.

They postponed the trip when they learned of the pregnancy.

I would be thrilled for my parents to be following their dreams and leading the kind of life they want in their retirement. Families are about give and take, and being happy for one another.

and, I would feel awful if they cancelled something like this, wasted loads of money on the expensive tickets to stay. Id tell them to go, enjoy themselves, there is plenty of time to spend with the child before they go and when they return.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 11:17

I've never experienced friends and family not caring about each other's children.

Did I or anyone else say that?!

SEriously Spid, are you on a different thread to the rest of us? I care about my friends and familys children but of course I dont feel about them the same way as they do. THEY ARE NOT MY CHILDREN!!!

I dont expect anyone else to feel the same about mine as I do, that would be a bit weird tbh!

Tanso · 14/02/2011 11:20

I still dont understand why people think that going on a trip means you do not care for your family. It is possible to do both

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 11:20

Totally agree Tanso

spidookly · 14/02/2011 11:20

Was on my way out to meet a friend for lunch, but then I remembered - I already know what people look like! So I cancelled. I mean, what's the point?

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 11:22

FGS!

Are you this precious and demanding with your own family?! I

AlpinePony · 14/02/2011 11:22

YABVU but thank you for the laugh of the day! Bless you and your PFB! Grin

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 11:23

That was meant for Spidookly btw!

Kewcumber · 14/02/2011 11:23

Yes witch I realised that I was referring to birth but I really meant the initial phase. I do see the argument that they must get on with their life but as someone who's mother would never consider going away for 6 months in this situation I can imagine that it would be a shock to discover that your IL's think nothing of it.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/02/2011 11:23

OP: considering how many threads there are on MN about how MILs are experienced as intrusive, interfering busybodies when someone has a new baby, perhaps you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth?

BuzzLiteBeer · 14/02/2011 11:23

I presume your friend has slightly more conversational skills than a newborn baby? Then again.....

Tanso · 14/02/2011 11:24

I highly doubt that they are going on a trip because they think they know what babies look like. I think its more likely they are going because it is something they have wanted to do for some time. Something that fulfills them and makes them happy.

This does not mean that babies do not thrill them also

Kewcumber · 14/02/2011 11:24

I think references to PFB's in this situation are smug and superior.

4madboys · 14/02/2011 11:27

eerr they are right, the baby WILL be more interesting and be able to remember them when its older, there will be plenty of xmases, if baby is due aug time it will only be little for its 'first xmas' the next one will be better (i have an aug baby, all he did was feed, poo and sleep etc, that first xmas wasnt special at all)

they will be there to see the baby when its new etc and will be able to spend plenty of time with it when they get back, plus with the internet, mobiles etc you will be able to be in touch with them whilst they are abroad anyway.

Tanso · 14/02/2011 11:27

kewcumber, how do you know they think nothing of it?? they have changed the departure date.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 11:28

They booked the trip after they found out about the baby.

I can't imagine wanting to miss half my grandchild's first year.

In my family the trip would have been cut short, because "hopes and dreams" run more to seeing grandchildren grow up than going on lots of holidays.

For the record, it's not this couple I'm accusing of not caring. I'm just saying that their priorities seem to be those of uninvolved grandparents.

It's the people claiming babies are shit and other people's children are boring, even if they are close relatives.

KnittedBreast · 14/02/2011 11:28

I think you are being very sefish expecting them to put their plans on hold just because you are having a baby. Its not their child its yours and it is never as exciting to anyone else.

MisSalLaneous · 14/02/2011 11:29

OP, I'm also in the YABU camp, for all the many reasons already mentioned.

However, in case it makes you feel better about it - we spent our first Christmas together as a "family" just the 3 of us, as family abroad and we reckoned it would make more sense to go later when he could enjoy it more. It was amazing. Lovely as family Christmasses are, it was actually nice to just have a special, quiet time together. We went to France, hired a gite there and sat in front of the fire, drinking wine, ds crawling all over us, snuggling up in bed for long mornings. I wouldn't want it any other way. For all you know, you might love your first Christmas together with only the 3 of you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 11:29

Kewcumber... Why six months, I'm just curious about that as a milestone? I know that all women are different, some find it easier than others, but generally, after a couple of months, you get into a routine of sorts.

OP didn't let them know until the three-month date so it was good of PIL to change the date of their trip to be here for OP and their son.

Just generally - 'Norms' of behaviour seem to shift as the decades pass... what's 'normal' now is going to be laughed at on forums in ten years' time perhaps...

Kewcumber · 14/02/2011 11:30

And we don't know how old the baby will be when they leave - OP due August - could be 31st and she could be 2 weeks late, and GP's leaving Oct could be 1st so baby could be two weeks old.

It isn't clear.

I don't it is at all PFB to be offended that GP's seem more excited about their trip than their grandchild. Even if you are wrong about that OP, I'm sure you have felt emotional about your parens not being here to share this tiem with you which makes you want all teh more for your IL's to experience what you wish your parents could.

But they are differnt people, they do things differently. They will no doubt be lovely grandparents but will form a different realtionship with your child to the one your parens would have. WHether that is a close one or not reamins to be seen because it realy isn't clear how they will be.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 11:31

OK hands up whoever posted that babies are shit!!

I cant find it and i have checked twice!