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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:

tigitigi · 13/02/2011 22:28

take a deep breath, think how lovely they were to put back their holiday, think how excited they will be to see your 7mth baby when they get back.

now enjoy being pg, looking forward to your lovely dc with your brilliant dh.

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/02/2011 22:32

My feeling is that they have fixed their eyes on this once in a lifetime opportunity, and can't really think about too much else, it was great they immediately postponed the trip for the first few weeks, but YABU to think they should cancel this amazing trip. However, I suspect once they see their new GC, they will actually find it quite hard to miss six months of his/her life, and so finding ways for them to keep in touch on their travels would be the kinder and bigger thing to do.

I can understand why you are disappointed, and they may also feel a bit sad once presented with the LO, I disagree with everyone saying it's just one of those things, I think it will be a big deal for them too.

Original poster

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:33

Ok - seems I'm being daft!! They are young GPs - late 50s and have done this kind of trip before, so it really isn't once in a lifetime( just for further context).

But I'll just crack on :)

OP posts:

MrsDeidreIppy · 13/02/2011 22:34

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. They've been planning this trip for a while. Did they know you were TTC, perhaps not? I don't know how old they are but if they are getting on a bit they may want to do this trip while they are still able IYSWIM. Also presumbly they would have not been able to do this trip when there DC were young as they would have been tied down. It seems unfair to tie them down with their DGC too.

On the other I can see how it is difficult for you as your parents are not around to see their DGC. But your PIL will be around for the first two months and be back for all the exciting stuff, walking, talking etc. Modern technology, Skype, Facebook etc means you'll be able to keep in touch well and being away from their GC will make them really excited and eager to see them when they get back.

upthehill · 13/02/2011 22:35

YABU, You have to also remember that you also didn't tell them about the baby until you were 3 months along - to me that is what you do for friends but for close family, for me anyway, it was straight after I knew. Their plans are all set now, they are excited and it would be unreasonable for you to expect them to change or cancel the trip.

They have been also been there and done it before. If not now, it would be 6 months next year, there would never be a good time.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 22:38

There is Skype.. I am sure you can have regular catch ups with them while they are away.

And as others have said, the first six months are not going to be as important to anyone else apart from you and your husband.

grumpyhairbear · 13/02/2011 22:39

Yabu!

Be thankful you have pils who don't want to be interfering/this is my time again type of grandparents but instead they have a life and they quite rightly said that baby won't remember it

All that matters is that you both are there for baby and I bet in time you will be glad they are not overbearing pils! Have you read on here what some are like?!

Soups · 13/02/2011 22:42

I was going to reply YABU but lost 2 replies, flipping netbook. Seeing as lots of others have said YABU i'll keep the last part of my reply.

My parents are often abroad for long periods and it is hard. Must be harder for you not having your own parents around. But you will get 2 pairs of fresh adoring grandparental arms when they return. I do think your FIL was thinking of you all when he said they'd leave in October instead.

Do they Facebook or email? If not help them so they can log in and get updates from you, they'll love it. My Mum always used to go through my dad for anything computing related until she got an ipad. Now she loves her email and FB to keep up with every one. Obviously an ipad isn't required ;) But she's finally seen the point of It.

Soups · 13/02/2011 22:43

Anyway, Congratulations :)

JingleMum · 13/02/2011 22:44

i will second what others have said, they will be back for all the lovely bits and then can really get to know their grandson, plus i'm sure they would then be happy to oblige in some babysitting to get to know their grandson better, leaving you with some much deserved, much needed "me" time.

i don't think you are being unreasonable, you have lost your dear parents and would like the inlaws around to maybe help and guide you a little? that first month will probably be the most challenging as you will be learning the ropes. you'll have them around for that and then you'll probably be kicking them out of the door to catch the plane because you are sick of the sight of them!

willowstar · 13/02/2011 22:50

I think it is sensible for them to go when they are going as the first 6 months are the time it is least likely to impact on the baby. Plenty of people get by with no parental or family support, it isn't easy but you will manage, honestly, it just feels a bit overwhelming thinking about it.

AvengingAngel · 13/02/2011 22:51

It's a shame they won't be around, but ultimately, they cannot postpone their life, because of your choices. YABU. But I understand why you are upset!

willowstar · 13/02/2011 22:51

Oh and my mum lives in the US and we talk at least 3 times a week on Skype using the webcam, maybe you could sort out something like that so they can see the little one?

mayorquimby · 13/02/2011 22:51

yabu and quite self-centred

porcamiseria · 13/02/2011 22:53

I can see why you feel hurt

but dont think that this means they do not care, as I am sure they do

but them being around for the early days will mean more to you, than it will to the baby

enjoy and nest, and dont let this upset you, they want their final fling and for all you know they may have been planning this for decades...

2rebecca · 13/02/2011 23:07

I agree that if they had got to the planning stage and you were aware they were planning a long trip abroad it seems bizarre to expect them to not go at all.
Babies are very boring (in a frustrating sleep depriving sort of way) in the first few months, plus if you are breast feeding they won't be able to babysit much, and you may not want them to. Coming back when baby is nearly a year old and they can then play with him, babysit him, sing him songs he'll respond to etc seems much better for everyone than them leaving when he's a year old and may miss them and you may like them to do more and be prepared to let them do more.
Wish them well.

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 23:32

YABU. But you know that now. So congratulations instead!

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 23:33

BTW, MIL may be a MNer who has seen all the 'My MIL wont give me space with my new baby/My MIL is taking over with my newborn/I wish MIL would just leave the country for 6 months and let me get to bond with my child' threads and thinks she is doing you a favour

wellwisher · 13/02/2011 23:38

YABU and PFB! It actually sounds like you're just annoyed at being deprived of reliable babysitters, which is fair enough, but no point dressing it up as sentiment over baby's first Christmas etc. The baby will have no idea at 4 months old that it's Christmas and won't remember them being gone when it's older - so from your child's point of view, this is the best time for them to be away.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 00:02

It's a hell of a smack in the gob to find out that the most important thing in your life isnt the most important thing in everyone elses!

Its the same as when no one makes a massive fuss when baby 2 comes along as they did all that first time round. And that no one else is beside themselves with excitement at the first gurgle that might conceivably be heard as "mummy". And when your friends stop trying to hide their yawns as you give them yet another blow by blow account of Juniors weaning progress.

Its just how it is, and its better to get that straight in your head now, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointments! Trust me on this :)

slim22 · 14/02/2011 00:13

YABVU! I do see where you are coming from but I think being a tad oversensitive.

They must have been planning this for a very long time, dreaming about it for years probably.

Am sure they are very excited about this addition to the family and you are unfair diminishing their joy because they are finally going on this trip of a lifetime?

AuntiePickleBottom · 14/02/2011 00:16

so you knew you was pregnant, and they must of talked about there trip in those 3 months while you was waiting till after the scan.

why didn't you say something sooner.

slim22 · 14/02/2011 00:21

Sorry forgot to add Congratulations!!

BluddyMoFo · 14/02/2011 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slim22 · 14/02/2011 00:22

yes spot on

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