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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 14/02/2011 08:05

But the OPs PILs are looking at the trip of a lifetime....

loscann · 14/02/2011 08:07

Posie the OP said they have already been on this trip before.

HSMM · 14/02/2011 08:08

Just look forward to your lovely quiet Christmas, where you can spoil your new baby rotton without anyone giving any opinions. There will be no pressure to cook, or open presents at a certain time, you can do it at your own pace.

Enjoy this special time you will have together.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 08:19

Lol @ "once in a lifetime holiday" :o

yeah, because this child is going to be born loads of times.

loscann - yes :)

ledkr · 14/02/2011 08:23
Envy
ZenNudist · 14/02/2011 08:45

OP has posted to say she knows sibu. I do agree ywbu in your first posts but to add to what others have said, you are lumping both gps together, your mil could well be gutted to be missing out. Men can be very insensitive. My df didn't react ecstatically to my news that he'd be a gf for the first time, he just carried on same convo with dh as before!

Also assuming that your ILs are the kind of gps to provide actual practical support ( it always seems like everyone gets this nowadays, god knows I don't! ) then it will be more useful after 6 months.

Good on you for recognizing you're being daft, your last comment about it not being a once in a lifetime is mean spirited and irrelevant. Having laid back hands off ILs is a good thing!

Rebeccaruby · 14/02/2011 08:48

YABU. They've been planning this for ages. As to being supportive and spending time with your little one, I don't know what your working plans are, or BF plans, but I would think the first 6 months are the easiest to miss in terms of being supportive. They will be more supportive later, surely. And miss more if they go after the first 6 months. Your little one will miss them more if he or she is two, say. Congratulations, by the way.

BigHairyGruffalo · 14/02/2011 08:51

I am wondering if the OP's DH has any siblings? If so, would it be just as terrible to miss the first six months of another grandchild's life? There seems to be a lot of emphasis on this child being so important because it is the first.

Original poster
bigredtractor · 14/02/2011 08:56

In response to a few points here:

DH has no siblings - first and only grandchild.
I never mentioned babysitting - I can't imagine I'd leave a tiny baby with anyone!! Especially if I'm bf myself.
The fact that they've been before isn't mean-spirited - it's just that - a fact!!

You're misunderstanding why WE ( not just me) feel put out. It's just so matter of fact "well be bs k when the baby's more interesting".

Cheers then - bye!!

OP posts:
Violethill · 14/02/2011 08:58

Spidooklys- I haven't seen anyone mention hating children on this thread - apart from you. N

grumpyhairbear · 14/02/2011 09:14

Agree violet hill - what spookily said was so so silly

OP - I am sure we can all see where you are coming from but they ANBU to go away on Their trip and they wil come back and be so excited to see baby

Anyway, they will probably feel quite differently when baby arrives but the main thing is this is your baby and enjoy it!

Tanso · 14/02/2011 09:19

its sad that some people expect their parents to have no lives of their own.

Catsmamma · 14/02/2011 09:24

What exactly are you expecting from the ILs??

You don't want them to babysit, do you just want them to coo and cosset you and your pfb from afar??

I think their reaction is perfectly reasonable, they have their own lives to lead.

and babies are dull...first grandchild or no. FACT! Wink

Morloth · 14/02/2011 09:28

So if you were not expecting babysitting what exactly did you expect them to do if they were around? If bubs is due in August and they are not leaving until October then they will be around to look after you a bit while you get the hang of it.

But there isn't actually anything anyone can really do with someone else's tiny baby is there?

Now and older baby/toddler can interact and actually notice and care about people other than its immediate caregivers.

I find other people's babies quite boring, the little newborns smell nice but other than that they don't do much do they? My babies of course are fascinating from the very beginning.

ThePosieParker · 14/02/2011 09:36

brt....I understand why you feel put out, this is the most exciting thing ever for you and your DH, but some GPs aren't the stop life and focus on GCs type people. My mother for example, whilst she adores my dcs right from the off, she comes into her won now they're older and does spellings on Skype, sends them postcards from all over the world and is still very much in an active stage of life. My mother is only 58 and doesn't want her most important thing to be being a GP...I undertsand this, for my Mum that's accepting that her life is in it's final stage Sad.

I think once your baby is here you won't care a jot about them going.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2011 09:38

What difference does it make, that's it's the first?

I'm not quite sure what you expected them to do if not babysit? Just come round and coo?

Newborns are boring.

My parents live abroad, though, so weren't around to fawn much. My mother came on her own right after each baby was born as my father is elderly and has a lot of health problems that prevent him from coming here.

A touch PFB but Bogeyface put it best, you can't expect anyone to get as excited as you.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 09:38

The op is asking if she's being unreasonable to be a bit put out. She's not throwing a strop or having a go at the PIL or trying to stop them. I don't believe any of you who say that deep down you wouldn't feel the same.

I've noticed this on here more and more. It's very much the done thing on here to be detached from your family. Good for you but I'm bloody glad I have my family and not any of yours because a family of cold fish really doesn't appeal.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2011 09:40

True, Posie, now mine are 7,5 and 2 they're far more involved. We Skype several times/week and I take all three there in summer for 5 weeks.

xstitch · 14/02/2011 09:41

I see where you are coming from but they have postponed the start of their trip so they will be there for the birth and first few weeks of their grandchild's life. I am sure they will really miss you all and look forward to seeing you again.

IL can be a bit smothering, especially in the first few months so you should avoid that which is good. You will also be able to choose how you celebrate baby's first Christmas instead of being railroaded into something you don't want.

They will be back in plenty of time for baby's first birthday which is exciting. My IL booked a fortnight in Portugal over dd's first birthday then complained I had allowed her to turn 1 whilst they were away. So I would say your PIL aren't BU unless going to cast up to you what they are likely to miss.

Anonymousbird · 14/02/2011 09:42

YABU and PIL's are talking complete sense.

daytoday · 14/02/2011 09:49

I think you are having an entirely reasonable emotional reaction. Its your first baby, their grandchild. There is no way my Mother or MIL would go on a 6 month trip one month after birth.

I am actually quite shocked by how insensitive some of the posters are. Its her first baby!! Yes the first 6 months of your first baby's life are INCREDIBLE! AMAZING! AWESOME! In fact whatever stage your children are at IS THE MOST AMAZING STAGE! But not just for you. This is also an amazing transformative experience for their son and it is somewhat sad they will not be available to witness this. A 2 or 3 month postponement would probably have been better.

That said, rationally, I do agree they may feel that time is of the essence and if they don't do the trip soon they never will. I am sure they have privately agonised over the trip. Probably much more than you know. They have probably rationalised it the same way the posters on here have, that it will be better to do it sooner than later. There are probably reasons why they can't postpone it a bit later - maybe peak fares etc.

Is your DH very close to his parents?

spidookly · 14/02/2011 09:52

The mumsnet equation of holidays with"life" is bizarre.

For some people "having a life" is about having people to mark the big occasions with not about collecting stamps in your passport.

The first few months of your first grandchild's life seems a sad thing to miss.

Newborn babies are exciting to people other than the parents. When people I live have babies (especially their first) no way do I think that is boring.

What kind of relationships do you have where the biggest thing to happen to someone you love is "boring"?

Telling your son that the birth of his first child is not really something you are too arsed about is weird. Telling him that you will find his child "boring" like a stranger might is mean. Making it clear that your interest in your grandchild extends only as far as how much they entertain you is bizarrely childish.

People are entitled to prefer holidays to people, but the idea that that is "having a life" and everyone else is having a boring, miserable time enjoying spending time with their families and doting over newborn babies is nonsense.

Anonymousbird · 14/02/2011 09:53

But, if the PIL's are going to go on a 6 month trip, which they have clearly been planning for a long time - this is the best time. They will be there for the birth and immediate aftermath, and when they get back, the baby will start to be at the vaguely interesting stage (well, babies are always interesting to their parents at all stages but not to others, let's face it!!)

So, if they wanted to go away to miss GC's first birthday, is that wrong? Miss his first steps, is that wrong? Miss the first Christmas he will notice is that wrong? Oh, god forbid away for his first day at school.

They will actually want to be there for all those much much more exciting events than baby's first christmas, so wish them well now, just think how much they will have to tell their GC about in years to come!

Catsmamma · 14/02/2011 09:57

oh spidookly are you seriously suggesting that every grandparent puts their life on hold for the birth of The New Messiah a grandchild?

Of course they are delighted, but they do have lives and, shock horror, plans to go away...how very dare they?

GMajor7 · 14/02/2011 09:58

For some people "having a life" is about having people to mark the big occasions with not about collecting stamps in your passport Quite agree Spidoookly

OP Y.A.N.B.U. This would hurt me. Surely a first grandchild is more exciting than a holiday? How very shallow.