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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended that they're going abroad for 6 months..?

244 replies

bigredtractor · 13/02/2011 22:13

Hi, we're expecting, due in Aug - 1st grandchild for PIL ( my parents have both passed away).

PILs have been talking about going travelling in Sept so we wanted to tell them about the baby ASAP (after scan) once we were past the magic 3 months. We were worried they'd book flights etc before they knew.

Anyway, we went over on Friday to tell them face to face, show scan pics etc and MIL was v excited but FIL's first words were 'well we'll leave in October instead".

We were (both) slightly shocked that they'd still plan to go away for 6 months when our baby will be weeks old - no first Xmas together, missing his first months etc. It isn't a special occasion that might fix the travel dates either.

Flights have been booked today so we can't change their minds, but I feel v disappointed in them. DH asked them about missing xmas and their redponse was 'the baby will be more fun when it's older and wont even know'.

I feel sad for DH and a bit resentful now. AIBU?

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 00:23

I think the fact that they are delaying it by a month should be enough to let you know they do care, they are changing their plans to fit in with this information you have head on to for 3 months. Have you thought that maybe some may they think that yabu in not telling them sooner, although I understand you waited and wanted to make a big announcement and wait until it is safe, not everyone thinks like that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 00:37

I think you're being unreasonable... most of the threads here about PILs have been quite precious in that 'firsts' are for the parents only.

Your PILs sound really nice; they put off their travel plans and I expect they'll be very good grandparents. Perhaps you feel particularly sensitive about it through lack of your own parents who have sadly passed?

A lot of people think that babies (baring their own of course) are very boring. I'm one of them. Children don't have much personality (except to their parents) until they reach two years old.

Enjoy your baby and make sure that he/she has plenty of ocntact with your PILs.

cat64 · 14/02/2011 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EcoLady · 14/02/2011 01:06

I'm in the UK and my mother is in New Zealand. We manage!

DD born in 2001 - My mum managed to get on a conference in the UK and was with us for 3 days.
DS born in 2004 - we all went to NZ for 3 weeks when he was 6 months old (DD was 3 yrs).
2011 - we're going to NZ in May/June. Do the maths - DD will be 10 & DS 7.

And you're bothered about 6 months?

Morloth · 14/02/2011 01:10

YABU, babies under 6 months are very boring to everyone but their parents and even then I struggle sometimes.

DS2 was born in London when all our family are in Australia, they only met him when he was 7 months. DS1 has been away for 5 out of his 6 years. They are both now after 3 months being home in love with their grandparents.

It really isn't a big deal, it is to you but mostly other people's babies are not that interesting. Even to many grandparents.

Tolalola · 14/02/2011 01:26

Another YABU, sorry, but I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

You say you'd appreciate some support from them, but they are giving you support. By postponing their trip for a month they'll be around for at least the first month of the baby's life, which is when you'll really want extra help.

And what everyone else has said is true, better to go at the beginning when babies are frankly quite boring to everyone except their parents and when you are likely to be on maternity leave.

My mother and stepfather are away, often for months, several times a year, and it's definitely much harder now that DS is 3 and really misses them when they're not here than it was when he was tiny and didn't have a clue whether they were here or not.

nooka · 14/02/2011 01:52

OP were you expecting them to cancel their trip completely? That does seem an unrealistic expectation. If your parents had still been here would you have expecting them to have done a lot for you when the baby was small? Because I can understand if you have the expectation of hands on support for many months then your ILS reaction would seem upsetting.

I think for most grandparents their involvement isn't that great when their grandchildren are tiny - my parents visited when my ds were born, and then my mother came around a few times to cook for me in the first month or so, but otherwise we saw them about the same amount as before we had children. My ILs just did the visit to see the baby (dh isn't close to his dad and his mother died many years ago).

Re the Christmas thing, your ILs are right, the baby will be oblivious to Christmas for a few years yet. Find yourself a nice group of parents for your support network and enjoy the interest your ILs do show. Your sadness may be much more about missing your own parents - having children can really reignite grief.

lalamom · 14/02/2011 05:48

The grand parents are being very reasonable postponing the trip.

Gosh my fil forgot to even ask about our baby last Christmas- he was only a few days old and then my mil sent a card with the wrong name in it.

It's fine.He's our baby!!

iscream · 14/02/2011 06:09

Well, I supposed they are not being unreasonable, but I understand how you feel. You would love a mother figure to be around for those 6 months.

KristinaM · 14/02/2011 06:19

Sorry but bogeyface is right. As well as very funny

But don't feel bad. It's just your hormones. Hope your dh delivers a suitably special valentines day

ScroobiousPip · 14/02/2011 06:21

YABU. After the first excitement of a newborn wears off, little babies are boring, I'm afraid - they just sleep and eat. From 6 months they start to get interesting and development really speeds up re crawling, talking etc so your PILs have the timing about right. You'll have Skype, phone calls, photos etc in the meantime, and the space to get to know other local new mums.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 14/02/2011 06:36

I understand why you are both disappointed but they had made plans already. I would guess that you mil may be a little unsure as well.

Violethill · 14/02/2011 06:48

YABU - let them live their life. They aren't dictating when you decide to have a baby... so don't dictate when they can go traveling!

coccyx · 14/02/2011 06:52

The baby may be centre of your world but won't be centre of anyone elses

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 07:10

First of all con gratulations on your pregnancy. However, I agree with everyone else on here. The ILs can't put their life on hold for you, and they have delayed the start of their trip, which is a lovely thing to do.

My parents are dead, I live 250 miles away from the rest of my family. OH's family live 150 miles away in the opposite direction. I had no expectations of help and support so I just got on with it. Unfortunately you will have to do the same.

I think that many new mums now have unrealistic expectations of help from grandparents because we read on forums like this about grandparents being on call, but in many cases this just does not happen. There is loads of help and support available through your health visitor and post natal groups though, and the friends you will undoubtedly make at these groups will be invaluable.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 07:30

You're not being daft.

Most grandparents would not fuck off for the first 6 months of their first grandchild's life.

My brother is expecting my parents' 5th and we're all super excited.

Telling soon-to-be first-time parents that their baby will be boring is mean, and not true for people who give a shit.

OP I think you need to forget about getting any kind of support from these people.

WidowWadman · 14/02/2011 07:32

spidookly - at what point in their grandchildren's life are they allowed a life of their own again?

They already have shown a lot of consideration by postponing their trip.

Violethill · 14/02/2011 07:35

I expect your childrens grandparents would be scared to do anything else other than jump when you say jump, seeing as you charmingly refer to grandparents who have a life of their own, as 'fucking off'

I'm glad I don't treat my parents or in laws as having to revolve their lives around the axis of my life. How very controlling and unfair

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 07:38

YABU but I can see exactly why you feel like that, unlike this hard nosed lot! Of course they are allowed a life of their own and from a baby development point of view that is the best time to go but I would definitely be thinking "oh...ok...bye then....".. I wouldn't say it to them but I'd think it. Anyone who says they wouldn't feel a bit like that in your shoes either has a terrible relationship with their PIL or they're not being entirely honest here.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 07:42

Oh and where did the op say that she expected them to do childcare and babysitting? She said support which isn't the same thing, yet the likes of well-wisher seem to have gone off on their own rant. Very odd.

Violethill · 14/02/2011 07:43

Hard nosed, to respect the fact that other people are allowed to make plans and have major events in their own lives?
Hmm ... Interesting way of looking at it!

RunAwayWife · 14/02/2011 07:46

YABU its your baby not theirs so why should they change their plans

spidookly · 14/02/2011 07:51

It's weird how people on a parenting website hate children so much.

Since when is having grandchildren considered to be "not having a life"?

Being around for the first 6 months of your 1st grandchild's life is a one-time opportunity. The idea that extended holidays are more important is weird.

I'm glad I'm part of a family that looks forward to new members arriving and doesn't consider it some imposition on their holiday plans.

ThePosieParker · 14/02/2011 07:57

I assure you that the first six months are very boring for everyone except parents, babies do nothing. When could your ILs go that would suit you? First birthday, second Christmas.

My parents announced they were emigrating when my first was six months and I was expecting my second, I wouldn't have thought for a second that they shouldn't go.

loscann · 14/02/2011 08:02

Completely agree with spidookly. I suppose YABU in the sense that yeah, you can't force them to stay and act like they care, but I would be seriously hurt if DD's grandparents were so uninterested in her. They can't get enough of her. I thought that was normal?

Maybe it's a cultural thing (spidookly you are Irish as well right?).