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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just want to be a stay at home mum

164 replies

littlemissprairiegirl · 13/02/2011 14:04

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 13/02/2011 14:06

Could you drop some hours?

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 14:06

Can you not work part time and take a drop in salary?

Original poster
littlemissprairiegirl · 13/02/2011 14:07

I already work part time hours and finish early to pick dd up from school, but the job often requires me to go out in the evenings, which isn't something I can change as it's part of the job.

OP posts:
pinkyp · 13/02/2011 14:08

is there any cut backs you could make? I culd be a sahmbut it'd mean getting rid of my car,not having any luxerys etc

Georgimama · 13/02/2011 14:08

How did you feel about going back to work after your first child? What I mean is, is there actually something wrong at work, even that you can't put your finger on, to make you feel like this?

No advice really, if your DH's salary won't cover the bills there's not much you can do. But I feel for you.

MCos · 13/02/2011 14:11

Like previous posters say, is there any possibility that you could reduced hours?
I dropped 10 hours last week, and it has such a difference in work/life balance.

Wook · 13/02/2011 14:13

Sympathise with you OP, I have days where I wish things were different- work 4 days and long hours on those days and often have to do more at the weekend.
I just make sure I cherish what time I do spend with dd, that's the best I can do.
TBH I can't imagine ever not working at all, but do wish I could afford more balance.
When I worked full time and ds was young and my dh had a day off with ds I was very, very jealous and quite resentful!
There's no answer, not with a big mortgage etc, just make those hours count. I am rather envious of you doing a pick up from school- I only get to do that once a week and I just used to love the walk home and chance to chat to ds- lucky you to have that time each day.

Violethill · 13/02/2011 14:14

It must be hard if you aren't enjoying what you need to do.... but it may help to think about the following:

You say your dd loves nursery. Focus on that. She is fine. You may not be having exactly the lifestyle you want, but the important thing is that your children are not suffering - which they would be if you lost your home or were suffering the terrible stress of not being able to pay the bills

In the long term, you may be very thankful for staying in a good job, where you have security, prospects etc. I see so many women who are desperate to even get back into minimum wage work after taking a few years out, and struggling to achieve it. So what seems awful now, could turn out to be a blessing in disguise, when your children are both in school all day. I suspect you may also rediscover your love of your job then, as you say its fulfilling and something lots of people would like to do.

Have you thought about varying your routine at lunchtime, if it upsets you seeing mums and babies about? Could you work through your lunchbreak and leave earlier? I am a teacher, and one thing that I found helped a lot when I returned to work when dd was 12 weeks, was that I was so busy literally all day, that I honestly didn't have time to think about her. I always worked through lunchtime which I think helped. Sometimes I would get to the end of the day and think 'Ooh I've got a lovely baby to pick up from her childminder!' Maybe sounds odd, but if you're really focused on work, then you really do learn to compartmentalise.

Finally, how about considering you and your DH both cutting back a bit, so you each work a bit less than full time, which will give you more time at home, without dropping your income too much, or harming your prospects?
There's a lot of variation between working full time and not working at all, and it may be that some readjusting can provide you all with a lifestyle you're happy with

Violethill · 13/02/2011 14:16

Sorry, x posts there, you say you're already working part time

Georgimama · 13/02/2011 14:19

Violethill talks a lot of sense about financial security; I know it's not much help when you feel so down, but on the rare days when I wish I didn't work I think of the sheer terror of our entire existence being entirely financially dependent on my husband. I don't understand how people cope that that.

pikachu999 · 13/02/2011 14:22

Would a career break be an option just til DD2 goes to school? If you have a mortgage, it would be worth investigating if your lender would agree to reducing the payments or giving you a payment holiday in the short-term given that they'll still be getting interest, and you will be back working again in 3 years time?

Also I agree about seeing if you could reduce your working hours further.

Violethill · 13/02/2011 14:24

Totally agree Georgie.

I think some people really don't realise what a huge burden it must be for one adult to have to carry the total financial responsibility. I think its wise, as a SAHP or a WOHP, to always remember that you have far less security when you rely on one wage. Not just in the immediate future, but also long term, when it comes to pensions and so on. I think you will be really glad in the future that you've stuck in there with your career

Meglet · 13/02/2011 14:44

Yanbu. I'm a lone parent with 2 toddlers and would give anything to not work until they are both at school. My health and sanity are going down the plug-hole.

No magic solution from me but I sympathise.

All I think about is that it keeps my NI contributions going so at least I'll have a pension when I'm 70.

blushingbaby · 13/02/2011 14:49

YANBU
I too would love to give up. I only work 3 days but I feel like I'm missing out on so much. No chance of me giving uo though as DH doesn't have a job at the mo and mine is the only income.
I'm hoping he'll find something soon. (screws up losing lotto ticket - again!) Sad

RMCW · 13/02/2011 14:50

Agree with what some other posters have said;

Could you drop more hours or do some of your work from home/at weekends?

Could you sort out a "payment holiday" with your mortgage lender til your youngest dd starts school?

At least she loves nursery...cling onto that x

Ephiny · 13/02/2011 14:57

If she loves nursery, it would seem a shame to take her out just so you could enjoy being at home with her - surely it should be about what makes her happiest? I know you could be a SAHM and still have her in nursery some of the time, but guessing that would be difficult if money would be tight with you at home?

I wouldn't like to be financially dependent on DP either, or to give up a good fulfilling job. I realise you don't see it that way, and I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy, just trying to say that there are good and bad aspects to both WOHM and SAHM. I would have thought you had the best of both worlds working part time - or maybe it's the worst of both for you! :(

Violethill · 13/02/2011 14:59

That's a really good point, Ephiny.

If your child loves nursery, then look on it as being unselfish and not just wanting them at home to fulfil your needs, but about fulfilling hers

CheerfulYank · 13/02/2011 14:59

YANBU

I'm feeling exactly this way right now. I'm so sick of my (part-time) job; I just want to be home with DS. Next year is his last year at home before kindergarten and I just want to be with him. I'm sick of the rushed mornings, the guilty feeling when I call in because he's ill, the state of the house when I don't have time to get to everything...

I'm taking a serious look at our budget and seeing where we can cut back. Can you do the same?

Original poster
littlemissprairiegirl · 13/02/2011 15:06

Hi, thanks everyone. Unfortunately I can't reduce my hours any more as I struggle as it is to get all my work done in reduced hours and stress about it. We are already skint and just scrape together enough for one summer holiday and decent xmas presents for the kids so without my salary we'd be so poor. I guess I just have to live with it for now, so envious of SAHMs though.

Wish I could work 1 or 2 days a week so DD could still enjoy nursery in a stress free job where noone expected anything of me and no evening or weekend work!

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 13/02/2011 15:06

I sympathise with you OP.

I'm on maternity leave and not at all looking forward to going back to work. Going to request going part time but suspect I'll get told it's full time or nothing. Work long hours so basically wouldn't see DS during the week Sad.

Like you, I have no choice but to work. Such is life. Long term it makes financial sense though to have 2 incomes. I think you might be glad that you stuck it out in future years.

jellybeans · 13/02/2011 15:38

I sympathise, I was in the same position with DD1 although she hated nursery. It was a fabulous nursery, all the ladies were mature and they only took toddlers and older. DD still hated it and I felt so guilty! I did leave and become a SAHM and I did bits of part time work while DH was off at the weekend, sometimes working 2 13 hour shifts Sat/Sun. Eventually, DH got a well paid job which was odd shifts so I gave up my job and have SAH for years now and now have 5 DC. It was quite a hard adjustment at first as felt very isolated but once I stopped worrying what others thought and found things to keep busy, I loved it! I think if you want to SAH you could try and work towards it, even if it means cutting your hours etc. I have never regretted it and have managed to do OU study at home and abit of voluntary work in case I ever need/want to go back. Good luck.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/02/2011 15:43

I gave up work when I realised I felt like you....DH was totally supportive luckily. We didn't have a holiday for three years and the presents for the children were second hand of cheapy things.

I wouldn't swap the memories for anything. We had no spare cash and I had to cut my own hair and buy second hand clothes...but like you I wanted badly to be with DD.

You could blog, ell on ebay, sell makeup etc ...there are other ways of making spare cash as a sahm.

altinkum · 13/02/2011 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Violethill · 13/02/2011 15:57

Try to separate what you want from your childrens needs. You say your dd loves nursery, so perhaps you are ADDING a positive dimension to her life which she wouldn't get if you weren't working.

My own mother didn't work, but I have a clear memory of her crying when my siblings and me were being packed off to grandparents for a week while we were little because we were moving house and my parents had loads to organise. My mum felt bad about leaving us and felt her place was to be with us 24/7
The reality was that we had a fabulous time. The tears were far more about her needs than ours.

cabbageroses · 13/02/2011 16:25

OP- I think you need to have a big reassessment. Your 1st post talks about loving your job- or you give that impression anyway. Then your last post here talks about it being stressful etc etc.

The big question is- are you making your DD as bit of a scapegoat for wanting to leave work anyway?

If you don't like work, then why not try some career coaching to find out what you really want?

Your situation won't change once your DD is at school- it sounds as if being a SAHM is really an easy option to avoid confronting your unhappiness at work- that's what you need to focus on.