to just want to be a stay at home mum

[littlemissprairiegirl]

I have been back at work for about a year and dd2 goes to nursery - other dd at school.

Seriously, I would give anything to be able to not have to work but there is no chance of that on DH salary. I have what you would consider a good job and am paid close to 30k a year to do something very fulfilling that lots of people would like to do but it just means nothing, I just want to be at home with DD. She loves nursery but I go out at lunchtime and see other mums with their babies and want to cry, it's all I want to do.It feels unnatural dropping her off at nursery and leaving her for other people to spend the day with.

Not intending this as SAHM v working mum, I just feel so down and wish I could jack it all in.

I agree with you violet HOWEVER the OP has stated she is very unhappy to be working and away from her child.

If that doesnt apply to you, then great.

But some women really find it hard to be working and not being with their dc....I dont think anyone is being "sanctimonious" and any child psycologist will tell you that the 1st 3 years are incredibly imporant for childrens development....

Violet

You are very opinionated about my opinion it seems and I am sorry if it somehow offends you that I have my own view.
You interpret your own implications and they cannot be implications for you since you disregard my opinion as bullshit so I really don't see why you are so reactive.

I don't care what many people do with regard to having child care.I'm not sure whether MOST people work.

I personally believe that the best person for a child to be with is a parent or a close relative who is loving and if this is not possible, a one to one carer who is loving in her behaviour and actually likes children. I have worked in pre schools in the past and I saw a certain level of disinterestedness on the staff's part, in the children by many of the young workers that made me think as a young person that if there was any way I could avoid paying for the privilege of someone being that disinterested in my child, when i had a child I would do everything in my power to do so.

I feel very lucky that I can for now be a stay at home mum as it conincides with what I want but if i have to return to work before he is 3 I will not pretend that it is the best for my child because I do not believe it is and if a relative or dad cannot do it I will strive to find the best child minder i can as I am sure any invested parent would do.

I realise it is a very emotional issue for anyone who does not have the choice of not working but it seems the op does and i encourage her to go with her instinct and take this time.

But I am not in the business of pretending to appease people like yourself that the other options of care aside from a parent/relative/ caring carer are equal because I know from direct experience working in a pre school environment, that they are simply not as desirable for your child's development, in my opinion and many others opinions who I have come to agree with.

I am sure the OP was seeking genuine opinions and i have offered mine as you have so i think we should leave her to choose and disregard what she finds helpful, on here.

and....

The fact is that we all "disrespect other ways of doing things" as you put it if we genuinely do not agree with it or think it is not the best thing.

I don't buy into the relativistic mindset that our current culture finds itself entrenched in at this point in history, such that we are all tip toeing trying not to step on someone else's way of doing things. We each have values and views and judgements about how we should live and your judgements about me are only evidence of this. I invite you Violet to respect my chosen way of doing things if this is the philosophy to subscribe to at least for the sake of being consistent.

Yes, it is a fact that most parents work.

I am not offended that you have your own view; I am mightily offended that you extrapolate from that, that a working parent is not 'raising' their child.

Also, I think the fact that you previously worked in pre-school environments where the staff were 'disinterested' (sic) - I assume you mean un interested - quite a different meaning!- speaks volumes about you.

Personally I value my career in education, and wouldn't do it if I felt I, or those around me, were not acting in a child's best interests

Not read all the posts but just wanted to add I sometimes think the grass always seems greener, can you imagine not working at all - would you not miss anything about your job?

I work part time and often think how nice it would be to be a sahm but in reality I think I would miss my job, my colleagues and earning my own money. I had to use up some annual leave this wk and its only been 2 days and other than having a cleaner home and feeling a bit more organised the thought of doing this every day doesn't appeal - Oh dear hope that doesn't make me sound like the worlds worst mother!!!

Violethill If the op was unlucky enough to work in pre schools with uninterested staff, how does that reflect badly upon her?

I've been responsible for motivating pre-school staff myself in the pass and it's a hell of a responsibility and a pig of a badly paid job, which is why I don't do it anymore!

Just thought that comment seemed unfair on the OP.

I agree with the comment that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I returned to work part-time after having DD and was made redundant...became a SAHM by default as we decided to try for DC2.

I would so much rather be working in paid work part-time than be a SAHM. Not full-time though. I've spoken to a lot of fellow mums about this and most seem to say that working 3 days a week is the optimum balance.

I have lost so much of my self-confidence and identity as a SAHM. And social interaction.

pinkthechaffinch - I think you've confused the OP with another post. It was lalamom who said she'd worked in that environment. I just think it's a strange choice to work in an environment which you believe is actively working against the interests of the children it serves. It's taking money for doing a job you believe is harmful.

I am not suggesting pre-school environments are harmful btw, just that to work in one, and then slag it off as being 'not desirable for children's development' is pretty hypocritical to say the least.

Anyway, the OP has already stated that her dd loves nursery. She isn't considering stopping work because she thinks her children will be better off for it - she is considering it because she thinks she would prefer it. Which I think is a very brave and honest thing to say. She's not hiding behind any unsubstantiated claim that it will be 'better' for her children. She's not trying to claim it would be better for their development. She's simply saying, she doesn't like her job any more, and is considering giving it up.

OP - talk this through with your DH and make the decision you both feel is right for your family.

Dear OP,

I sold my house for 30% less than it was marketed for just to get shot of it. I rent a cheap, much smaller cottage in the country, with no central heating but love the open fires. I purposely live in a rural area which is rich in beauty but cheap (poor) in everthing else, just so we can make ends meet. I'm a full-time mum. We don't have holidays and we don't care, cos we don't have the stress we have to get away from. We don't have expensive Christmas presents because they don't seem to be needed as long as we can find ball, sticks, mud and all those traditional toys. We don't have to keep up with the Joneses cos Joneses don't live in these type of places. I'm very traditional, getting involved in school and church activities etc and I love it. I've got myself out to ensure I've made lots of friends.

A lot of family's income round here are under £20k, never mind the £30k! You just have to live differently. The lack of shops make not spending money far easier!

We sat down and seriously considered what was most important to us - crises are good for initiating that. We realised we'd fallen into the trap of seeing money and 'our future' and 'owning our home' as important. We changed all that. I'd recommend you read 'How to be Free' by Tom Hodgekinson and then sit down and have a hard think. Alot of people thought we were mad with some of the choices we made or that we were 'throwing it all away', but its all worked out for the best. We knew what we wanted and made every decision (or at least tried to) on the basis of 'will that bring us nearer our goal?' I always thought I'd need £100k's to achieve our goal, but all we really needed was to identify our priorities and learn how to find happiness each day, that way we learnt to be happy with our lot. It can be done! Let me know how you get on. Be bold!

Violet

"I am not offended that you have your own view; I am mightily offended that you extrapolate from that, that a working parent is not 'raising' their child."

You extrapolate not me Violet. I did not mention at all that a working parent does not raise their child, of course they raise it with child care when they are working.

"Also, I think the fact that you previously worked in pre-school environments where the staff were 'disinterested' (sic) - I assume you mean un interested - quite a different meaning!- speaks volumes about you."

You assume wrongly- I meant disinterested. The young people were unqualified and certainly ensured no harm would come to the children but they were there more for the hourly rate than due to a passion for working with the children. As a 22 year old myself at the time there was little I could do to make them non disinterested ( I left after 9 months as I simply felt that as much as I liked kids I simply did not feel I knew enough/had the appropriate skills/stamina to do a good job at that time in my life)but it made such an impact on me that 15 years later I would not choose this option if I had to go back to work.

Violet I think you have reacted very sensitively to my comments and I think we should draw a line-I have no idea why you feel so defensive. My comments were not for you but the OP who really wanted to explore the possibility of staying home with her child. I encourage her to if she can.

Personally I value my career in education, and wouldn't do it if I felt I, or those around me, were not acting in a child's best interests

I am not offended that you have your own view; I am mightily offended that you extrapolate from that, that a working parent is not 'raising' their child.
Add message | Report | Message poster Violethill Tue 15-Feb-11 20:32:50
Also, I think the fact that you previously worked in pre-school environments where the staff were 'disinterested' (sic) - I assume you mean un interested - quite a different meaning!- speaks volumes about you.

Personally I value my career in education, and wouldn't do it if I felt I, or those around me, were not acting in a child's best interestsioletI am not offended that you have your own view; I am mightily offended that you extrapolate from that, that a working parent is not 'raising' their child.
Add message | Report | Message poster Violethill Tue 15-Feb-11 20:32:50
Also, I think the fact that you previously worked in pre-school environments where the staff were 'disinterested' (sic) - I assume you mean un interested - quite a different meaning!- speaks volumes about you.

Personally I value my career in education, and wouldn't do it if I felt I, or those around me, were not acting in a child's best interests

excuse the strange cut and paste technique there violet-it stops half way down just so no unintended implications are pulled out from the mistake.....

Disinterested means 'impartial', 'not acting out of self interest'

Understand your point of view even less after you insist thats what you mean. Seems like a very good quaility for a child carer!

Anyway, sorry you had such a bad experience working in an unqualified pre school setting thats its made you feel unable to work- but rest assured that the rest of us- OP included - take care to use child care where our children are happy and thrive.

Anyway, for the third time, I repeat, I believe the OP should explore the idea of giving up work (not because it will be better for her children, as she is clear to point out) but because she is unhappy in her job.

P.s. The fabulous carer we had for dd1 was DISinterested - dd's needs absolutely came first- not the carers pay cheque. She was certainly not UNinterested though - she adored dd

Violet

I am not usually a pedant but in fact there are two meanings for disinterested and when I use it I refer to the one below.

: not having the mind or feelings engaged : not interested

b : no longer interested

I did not find it an excellent quality in the people I observed caring for the children.
I appreciate there are some excellent carers/nursery workers out there but there are also many disinterested ones. I worked alongside a handful of them in a very well thought of pre school with a waiting list.

You wrongly assume I felt unable to work after this. I went onto establish a very engrossing career working with older children.

Not everyone who works with children adores them sadly. If only they did. I am glad you found an adoring carer for your dd- it is the holy grail. It is what I would try to do if I chose to go back to work.

However with choices available, I choose to be my child's main carer because I feel that adoring carers aside a parent or close relative is the best person for a child under 3 to spend most of their time.

Others have different views and others pretend that putting a child in nursery for long hours each day is just as good as one to one interested and invested care, or really believe there is no difference.

I don't share that view and make a stand against people bullying me into not expressing my view, since it is different to their own.

I wish the OP all the best and apologise that our dialogue has somewhat hijacked this thread.

For what it's worth OP, I felt the same as you last year so I handed my notice in and now I wish to god I hadn't.

I love my DS and we get out as much as I can but for me being a SAHM is dull and I'm sick of relying on my other half for money.

I've realised to my cost that having a career was really important to my self-esteem (and our bank balance of course) and I'm a better parent when I work because I get to spend quality time with my DS and it takes the strain off my other half.

Now I find myself in the position where I cannot find a part-time job for love nor money despite having 15 years solid work experience. Also, I was on a very good part time wage like you but the part-time roles I'm seeing within my industry are half that, which is depressing to say the least.

I have also realised that pulling my DS from his childcare setting was a big mistake because he loved mixing with other kids and was thriving in that environment. To be frank, I think he finds being at home with his mum is not as exciting as being at his childminders!!

All I would say is think very carefully about what is a huge decision. It's hard to get the right work/life balance but it can be done.

I'm with lala on this, and I do work.. half time at the moment but likely to be four days a week from April. If there were five going, I'd be working five.

Childcare workers - even the brilliant ones - aren't as interested in or likely to be as responsive to a child as even a marginally interested parent. I work in a role that involves observing adult-child interaction in early years settings and even the most outstanding childminders and nursery care workers interact differently with children than their parents do. They have to. It would be weird and unprofessional for them to truly "love" a child as a parent does and ones that profess to I find (quite frankly) creepy and lacking in boundaries.

I don't think that professionalised childcare in the early years is the best thing for young children, though I pay through the nose for it. I need to work to pay bills though, so I go off to work to make nurseries better for children while I have no input into my own children's setting.

I don't see why, as lalamom suggests, that this view needs to be "hidden" out of some sort of misguided need to preserve the feelings of other posters online.

I think my kids will be fine. I'm pretty sure of it. I think it would probably be marginally better for me to be at home with them if we had sufficient money not to struggle. I think I'd find it hard, in some respects, as I do enjoy work but I think they would be fine.

However, I think it's a fact that childcare is not equivalent to parental care and I don't understand the need to pretend that it is. It isn't. I don't think that means that a child is going to be eternally disadvantaged by their time in daycare (or I wouldn't do it) but I'm not having it that a 21 year old with no love for my child is somehow an equivalent to me because they've done a 12 week course in childcare.

lalamom, I completely agree with your posts, I too worked in childcare pre kids and I swore I'd never leave my 2 for a long day in childcare with anyone who wasn't as interested and loving towards them as I was

its been hard financially but worth it totally

I can't understand violet who tries so hard to convince us her way is the only way and all of her arguements seem to be on the basis of "if you don't agree with me you are talking bullshit" or worse trying to belittle your grammer...so very patronising....

op, I hope you come to a happy conclusion that suits you and your family, being at home all day with the kids can be mind numbing and repetative, it can also be the best thing you'll ever do

OP, I totally agree with lookingoutonafieldofsheep. It is well worth taking the time to re-evaluate your entire life. Good for us all, at times. Society puts a HUUUUGE pressure on us to see having full time work, and a house and car and the ability to go on holiday, as very much the 'norm' and something we should all want.
It might be that you decide that some of that is not worth being away from your child for.
We downsized in order for me to stay home with DS, and I haven't regretted it for a moment and it's been the catalyst for us to really think about life in a deep profound way rather than just going along with the norms.
If you can really change things and are enabled to have your time at home with your child, well that's a very very understandable and sensible thing to want, and good luck with it!
I do think that for many, like me, it IS a choice of a 'normal' life, OR the chance to drop out of that a bit and have the never to be repeated luxury (for both you and child) of time at home together in their formative years.

Yes yes yes - but you're entirely missing the point that working parents ARE their child's main carer!

However, you seem determined to persist in your belief that working parents (and its a fact that the majority of parents DO work) are somehow ever so slightly inferior to you.

Anyway, my children are adult/older teens now, so I can say first hand that they are not in any way negatively affected by having been looked after part time by childminder and nursery. They are bright, confident and happy in themselves. And I have the advantage of having been able to move up the career ladder in an interesting role. And therein lies the real issue, methinks, because there are sadly a small minority of women who are only comfortable with the idea of other women having interesting jobs if they can convince themselves that their children must be suffering as a result. Its most strange, because they don't do that with men - so it must be a weird female thing!

Thing

if your child is at nursery 8 - 6 like some I have known, and they're in bed by 7, then sorry no, you are not their main carer! Simple logic tells you this. You may be their main BOND but you are simply NOT their main carer and you are tooooootally fooling yourself if you think you are. It's absolutely laughable. Talk about trying to have it all ways!

good and very honest post there, rocks

now satnd back and wait for all the posters who will tell you that their nanny/childcare worker/childminders DOES love their child "like one of their own"

I've read this many many times on here

Sorry that was to lamom btw

Have to say I'm a little shocked by those who have chosen to work in childcare settings that are so poor. I can see that if you've worked in environments where adults aren't interested in the job, and don't respond to the childrens needs then yes- it could put you off working. Thankfully most of us are very picky about who cares for our precious children

Ah well I never put my children in nursery full time from 7 am to 6 pm so Phew I'm ok, me and dh still count as our childrens main carers!

Feel sorry for all those other mums of perfectly well adjusted children though, who have to listen to the nastiness spouted by others

sleepingsowell - I agree. I think there is a lot of confusion generated by the meaning of the word parent, which is used, fairly indifferently, to mean the genitor and the person who raises a child, when quite clearly these two roles can, and actually quite often are, separate.

A wise nanny I know said to me that the hardest thing that nannies frequently have to do is refrain from telling their employers that they do not spend enough time with their chidren.